DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a videoconference is scheduled for a certain time, does one “arrive” 10 minutes ahead of time in order to try to connect and solve any technical problems? Or does one arrive at exactly the time announced and then start solving technical problems -- and then wait while others arrive and solve THEIR technical problems?

Although I think that the online event should resemble an in-person meeting, where attendees arrive early and the meeting begins at the scheduled time, it appears that most webinars only begin to allow attendees into the virtual room at the meeting time. So it is only then that you realize your technology isn’t working, or that the link is incorrect, and you have to hurriedly troubleshoot while others do the same.

I am new to the world of doing everything online like this, so I wondered if there were established protocols that I don’t know about.

GENTLE READER: The new conference rules, Miss Manners finds, are not so dissimilar to meetings held in person: Try to arrive early, and be prepared for congestion.

Hosts should arrive at least a few minutes in advance to prepare for timely guests, but all involved should exercise patience and good humor at inevitable delays. At five minutes past the start time, however, if a quorum is achieved, the meeting may reasonably start.

Finally, inevitable latecomers and those having trouble with their technology should make efforts to cause as little interruption as possible. That is where “mute upon arrival” will be sorely missed when we finally return to the physical world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just opened up my electricity statement, and the bill seemed way too high. I looked at the usage history, and the kilowatt-hours listed for each month ranged from two to three times my actual usage.

I then noticed that the bill was for my next-door neighbor. Oops. In the morning, I am going to deliver the bill to my neighbor and apologize for inadvertently opening it.

Should I mention that their bill looked really high? Maybe their meter is malfunctioning, or maybe they have some really energy-consuming equipment running in their house. Or maybe they kept their house at 40 degrees during the summer (though I doubt this, because the bill was outrageously high every month).

Once I noticed it was their bill and not mine, I stopped looking at it. But what do I do with the information I learned when I thought it was my bill? What is a good neighbor supposed to do in this circumstance?

GENTLE READER: Nothing. This was not your bill, and quite literally not your business.

Miss Manners has, however, noticed that some electrical companies provide helpful neighborly comparisons to show how one could reduce bills through their service. Let them do it.

As the neighbor, you surely don’t want to damage relations by appearing nosy -- or be similarly subjected to unsolicited advice from them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a relationship with someone, but not living together. I have a key to her place, and recently locked the door when I left after a visit, so she would not have to get out of the chair she was sitting in with her dogs. She yelled at me not to lock her door, that she could lock her own door.

Was I wrong trying to be courteous and lock the door behind me? I told her she could have her key back -- that way, I wouldn’t be able to lock the door behind me, since she thought it was very rude. She said that wasn’t the point and to keep the key.

Was I being rude? What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That this whole argument might well be more metaphorical than literal. Miss Manners suggests you find out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to a takeout restaurant and took my finished order to a bench to eat it. They had given me another item, probably more expensive than I ordered, and something I like quite a bit. I went back, showed them the item and the error, which they acknowledged.

However, they were unwilling to give me the correct order without taking back the error, which was now unsuitable to be served again. I said no, that they should give me my original order without demanding the other.

I suspect it was a special order, and that there was embarrassment about failing to give the proper buyer his or her order. I prevailed. Was I right, or should I have surrendered the salmon misoyaki?

GENTLE READER: Online retail giants have spoiled us. Not only have they made consumers think that anything more than free, two-day shipment is outrageous, but they have also warped our thinking by giving us the occasional freebie in place of a return -- when the reality is that the transaction is inconsequential to them and not worth the trouble.

Now we have come to expect it. However, in the small business world, a retailer’s mistake does not cancel out the need to hand over the goods. That is the nature of a return. The noun is also a verb, and it requires action.

Miss Manners is therefore afraid that you should have surrendered the salmon -- even while she cringes at the image of the rightful recipient receiving prehandled food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to ask someone their name if you forgot it? I have found myself in this awkward situation numerous times and never know what to say.

GENTLE READER: “I am so sorry -- I know that we have met before, but please tell me your name again. I’m Jacinda Wilsome.”

Miss Manners assures you, however, that you can only get away with this tactic once before you start to test the person’s patience -- and powers of forgiveness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is a bully. For many years, I tried everything to make this relationship work. I attempted to ingratiate myself, politely stood up to her, and let the tears fall as she insulted me. According to her, it is not her fault that I am too stupid to do anything right and am so ridiculously hypersensitive -- two of many things she cannot stand about me.

I try to manage the situation by encouraging my husband to visit her alone, and to call her with reasonable frequency. Our adult kids refuse to see her because of the way she treats me, which is not my wish, nor do I want to be the cause of a rift between my husband and his mother.

However, her tongue is getting sharper with age, and I am becoming more resentful -- both of the way she treats me, and the fact that my husband ignores the outrageous behavior and demands that I do the same. I believe that he can care about his mom, be a good son and still tell her firmly that she must not speak to his wife in an abusive manner.

He says she will never change, there is no point to confronting her, and I should just be grateful she does not live next door. I feel his silence gives her permission to be unkind, and tells me that I don’t matter to him at all. After so long, I have come to realize that “Mom” is not the only one who will never change, but I am deeply hurt every time.

This has been a particularly bad year for me, far beyond the COVID-induced stress that we are all feeling. I am dreading an upcoming visit, and am not sure I can handle myself in a way that I would not later be ashamed of. Under the circumstances, would it ever be OK to just walk out and not return until her visit is over?

GENTLE READER: The dictate to “turn the other cheek” is catchy, which may explain the popular misconception that it is a rule of etiquette as well as of religion. It is not.

If your husband is unable, or unwilling, to modify his mother’s unacceptable behavior, then it is time to absent yourself when she is present. Walking out in a huff would be rude, which is why you will be discovering unavoidable conflicts, for which you will apologize on your way out the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law’s parents, Maya and Geoff, divorced a long time ago and remarried, but the two couples remained friendly and cordial. Maya’s second husband passed away a few years back, so Geoff often helps her out with minor repairs in her house.

Now Geoff has a terminal illness. When he dies, I would like to send a condolence to Maya. How should I phrase it? “Sorry about the passing of your ex”? “Your friend”?

GENTLE READER: Refer to the deceased by name. There is, Miss Manners assures you, no need for a condolence letter to define the relationship between recipient and deceased, which the lady is, in any case, in a better position to do than you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)