DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to people who own lots of electronic gadgets, such as smartphones, tablets, computers, etc., and participate in every social media platform and software program, and who insist -- not in a polite way -- that I also be similarly hooked up, expose my life to the world and be available to them every second?

It is fine with me if they want to do this, but I DO NOT wish to. Ideas?

GENTLE READER: Assure them that you are old-fashioned in valuing your privacy and the company of real friends?

Perhaps not. Miss Manners rules that option out on the grounds of tact, but realizes that it could equally well be eliminated because it will only arouse scorn.

When she admits her own technological ineptitude, she has perfected a tone which, while the words may be self-deprecating (“I’m so sorry, that’s quite beyond me”), makes clear to anyone paying attention that offers to instruct her would not be greeted with enthusiasm. She has quite a different and humbler tone for those whose aid she might require to get her out of technological trouble.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a walk with friends, along with other people I didn’t know, a person in the group described someone as being “deaf and dumb.” I think that description is derogatory to those not able to hear and/or speak. Not knowing the person who had spoken, I wasn’t sure if I should speak up, and I admit I remained quiet. Would I have been rude to correct a stranger?

Interestingly, I was watching an old crime show rerun, and the criminal evading arrest was described as “deaf and dumb.” Apparently even on television, the term was acceptable.

It is doubtful I will see this woman again. Did I miss an opportunity to educate someone? The description of a person with such a condition was, in my opinion, inappropriate, disrespectful and derogatory. Hopefully, if the person had been in her presence, he or she wouldn’t have known what was being said.

GENTLE READER: That, too, is something you should not assume.

Many terms once in common usage are now rightly considered disrespectful, and this is one of them. But not all outdated terms are equally offensive -- an important point in measuring your response.

As historically disenfranchised groups find their voices, it is common for the accepted term put forward by a group to evolve. Your reaction must take into account who first coined the term, how recently it has been abandoned, how widely the newer term is known and what was the genuine (as distinct from stated) intent of the speaker.

If this sounds complicated, that is because it is. Correcting another person is rude, and Miss Manners approves, rather than condemns, your failure to do so.

The impulse to educate is commendable. She merely recommends that, as you admit not knowing the history of this particular term, you start with yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just received wonderful news: Our 34-year-daughter and her husband are expecting their first child. She was born with cerebral palsy that mostly affected her legs; life hasn’t always been easy for her, but she’s able to get around and has lived a mostly normal life.

What really galls me is that I’ve told a few people my daughter is pregnant and they actually said to me, “Is she going to be OK? Can she actually have a child?”

I was floored when they said that. I said, “I’m not sure what you mean. Do you want to explain --” and then they would say, “Oh, nothing, we just thought because of her condition ...”

Comments like that really anger me, and I’m not sure how to respond without really blowing a gasket. I think they are rude and make it sound like my daughter is “damaged” in some way. How should I handle these insensitive comments?

GENTLE READER: As you have discovered, it is a bad idea to ask such people to explain, because then they do. Rather, you should make it clear that you will not tolerate that line of questioning.

The civil way to do this is to respond to their words, not their meaning. So to the question about whether your daughter can have a child, Miss Manners suggests, “That is the usual result of pregnancy, isn’t it?” Other references to her “condition” would entitle you to explain, “Her condition has been diagnosed as pregnancy.” Then, as a prompt to what the reaction should have been: “... and we are all thrilled.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what rank should we discontinue addressing people with honorifics after they are no longer in the role? Presidents seemingly remain presidents forever. Diplomats are ambassadors for life. Congress people, ditto. Generals and admirals seem to get the same treatment. So should we call our acquaintance John Smith “lieutenant” or “sergeant”?

GENTLE READER: Well, the rule is that unique titles, such as president of the United States, are held by only one person at the same time. Nobody follows this rule, least of all former presidents, who always address one another by that title.

Miss Manners would have thought that if one has been president, everyone knows it, and it is charmingly modest to revert to a nonexclusive title -- as, for example, did Gen. Washington. (Military officers retain their titles.)

But in these political, acrimonious times, she supposes that it would seem like a slur not to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Using a knife and fork to eat crispy bacon causes it to shatter. It is then difficult to pick up the shards and crumbles on the fork. Is it ever appropriate to eat crispy bacon by picking it up with the fingers?

GENTLE READER: Both of these phenomena are true. Miss Manners recognizes that you make an excellent argument for eating breakfast alone.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Pre-COVID, my large family had parties all the time, since it was always someone’s birthday, anniversary or other milestone. We would get together, celebrate and go home; nothing else happened.

However, I have one family member who would graciously offer to throw a party for someone in her own home, then instruct guests to bring a specific dish or a bottle of wine (usually both).

We usually all chipped in to make these dinner parties happen. But a couple days after the event, she would send a message to all the guests to find out how much everyone had spent on their dish. She would then include her own costs for decorations and the like, and charge all guests a payment.

This usually ranged from $30 to $50 -- which, when added to what I spent at the grocery store and the time spent preparing food, wound up close to $100. I would rather just go to a restaurant. This charge always came as a surprise to me, because it was only ever mentioned after the party was done with.

As someone who hosts friends for dinner, I’ve never expected them to pay me back. I usually don’t even ask for wine or alcohol, but will suggest something if someone offers to bring a bottle.

The issue with my relative has gotten to the point that my partner won’t go to events at her home anymore, and I don’t want to invite any friends because I don’t want the embarrassment of sending them charges on her behalf. I rarely want to go myself, because I don’t want to go through the effort of preparing food and being charged, as well.

I know she doesn’t have a lot of money, but the general consensus is that if you can’t afford the cost of a party, don’t throw the party.

COVID has allowed me to skip nearly every event she’s thrown this year, but I recently decided to attend a gathering of seven people. Lo and behold, the next day I was asked how much I had spent on food, and then was told to send her money.

My partner can continue to skip all these gatherings for the rest of his life for all I care, but I can’t always say no to seeing my family. Is there anything I can say to this relative to let her know that we don’t appreciate these surprises from a host, and would rather not attend if she’s going to keep doing this?

GENTLE READER: Yes: You can invite her to a party that you throw, exercising proper hospitality. That way you get to see your friends, your partner will attend and you can have what Miss Manners trusts will be the pleasure of telling that relative not to bring anything, as you are the host.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)