DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was proposed to, and has accepted. Her father, my ex-husband, became very angry and upset when he found out, because the young man did not ask his permission before proposing.

While I understand that asking the father for permission ahead of the proposal is traditional and courteous, I wonder if it was required by etiquette in our case. Our daughter is 21 years old and attends college. She only lived with her father full-time, year-round, for about eight of those years.

When the now-fiance asked my daughter if he should talk to her father first, she informed him that it was unnecessary. At no point in 21 years has her father ever mentioned that being asked first was an expectation of his.

After announcing her engagement (to her father and myself privately, and to the rest via social media), she received a few lectures from members of my ex’s family and from his live-in girlfriend. They say she and her fiance have offended her father by not asking permission first, and by not personally informing his girlfriend, and that an apology is in order.

While I can understand that being asked was an expectation of her father’s, I do not believe he has the right to be upset, as he did not convey those expectations ahead of time. I also wonder if, given his noncustodial status and lack of involvement in her current life, it was necessary to ask ahead of time. If you could help me understand what her obligation should have been, I would be most appreciative.

GENTLE READER: Your daughter’s real mistake was not asking her father to pass the phone to his girlfriend. Much of the rest of this could probably have been avoided if she had.

The old-fashioned idea that fathers must be asked permission to “give away” their daughters is certainly problematic in modern times. Miss Manners is used to hearing rightful cries of “She’s not his to give!” and “Why isn’t the mother being consulted?” And in the case of your daughter and her distant father, “Why the sudden need to weigh in now”?

Patriarchal tradition runs deep. But while the reasoning behind the antiquated custom may no longer apply, the act of including family in the announcement of one’s milestones is still important.

Had the young man informed (not asked) you, your ex and his girlfriend of his intention, he could well have avoided all of this. Instead, the girlfriend had to hear about it secondhand -- or with everyone else on social media. Therefore, Miss Manners recommends that with all future milestones -- moving to a new home, pregnancy, etc. -- your daughter make calls to all familial parties and inform them personally. Especially in the case of pregnancy -- however, the intention itself need not be up for discussion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father almost always introduces his presents to me with some version of: “If you don’t like it, please give it back to me, because I really like it.” I always find this quite irritating. Am I wrong here? What can I say to him?

GENTLE READER: “Well, now I’ll know what to get you when your birthday comes around.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a single working father of four. I’m often given unasked-for parenting advice from female parents who often, frankly, have much less parenting experience in general, and absolutely none with my own kids.

This ranges from comments like, “Children often do better in their mom’s lap” as I’m booking plane seats, to being the only parent on an email chain to get extra tips and help on a class project (e.g.: “Remember to get 10 cheese and 10 chicken quesadillas for the class party!”).

I’m a triple-board-certified physician with multiple advanced degrees from an Ivy League school. I have 54 cumulative parent years under my belt. I can bring quesadillas to a first-grade party.

You point out that using the term “mansplaining” overgeneralizes, so I won’t call this behavior “momsplaining.” What would you call it?

I’m not sure that these comments are always meant in a helpful manner, and many of them seem to imply that men don’t really know how to parent their children. Words of wisdom on this one?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners will credit them to the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, whose many arguments “on the basis of sex” mandated nondiscrimination for both parents, regardless of gender.

No doubt, these helpful mothers are the same ones who complain that their husbands are reluctant to change a diaper, then snatch it away from them when they “do it wrong.”

A polite, tight-lipped, “Thank you so much for your help, but I think I can handle this” may be your best recourse in the short term. But a reminder that true parental and gender equality mandates that either parent may be similarly equipped to earn a salary, change a diaper and correctly count quesadillas may also be in order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently started taking a few remote classes to learn Italian. These are private lessons with an instructor, happening in the morning for about 1.5 hours at a time.

My husband will eat his breakfast during the class if he didn’t have a chance before, during the segment where the instructor is talking. He will also get up to grab things he forgot, adjust the heat, get a sweatshirt, open the window, etc.

I feel that these things are rude, while he feels that they are not, because our relationship with our tutor is semi-casual. I should mention that the tutor does not do any of these things.

GENTLE READER: In the absence of live interactions, we must do our best as a society to approximate them. After all, how do we then justify drinking by ourselves and calling it “happy hour” just because the computer happens to be on?

If you would not eat breakfast or get up during a live lesson (or business meeting or divorce mediation), then the same rules should apply here. Coffee breaks, however, may be used for more than just coffee -- if your husband promises to eat off-camera and adjust the room temperature quickly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been friends with Elizabeth for almost 20 years. We met because we were both active in an activity our children were in. When we were on equal footing -- both married, working, etc. -- things were fine.

Five years ago, my marriage fell apart in a spectacular way that became the talk of the county. Elizabeth was so supportive during this time. About two years later, Elizabeth began an affair and eventually left her husband.

I supported her when a lot of people didn’t. Cheating was a big part of my marriage ending, so I told her it wasn’t something I would do, but we can be different people as well as friends. She has had subsequent problems, during which I have again tried to be a good friend.

After she moved herself and her children into a house she couldn’t afford on her own, her boyfriend left her. I again tried to be supportive.

Here’s the problem: While she feels like her life is spinning out of control, mine is going great. And it seems like the better I do, the nastier she becomes. I try not to bring up anything positive about my life with her, because then she says things that make me uncomfortable.

It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I want to be close friends with this version of Elizabeth, which is difficult because we’re both still active in the same activity where we first met. We have moved in the same circles for so long, our lives are very much intertwined.

Do I need to find the understanding from somewhere to continue to try and be supportive, or is it really time to distance myself from my best friend? If it is time, how do I go about doing it without causing any more disappointment or pain in her life?

GENTLE READER: There is a tendency to take offense where none is meant, perhaps to claim sympathy as a victim. Miss Manners is not accusing you of this. She merely notes how surprising it is that people like you accept the premise that your good fortune is a rebuke to her reverses.

It is not, which is why Miss Manners is not charmed by people who admit being jealous of a friend’s happy news. As decent human beings, we are supposed to be pleased by one another’s successes. That baser feelings exist is not a reason to indulge them -- or to reward bad behavior.

There is a world of difference between bragging about something to the point of hurting someone’s feelings, and simply being happy to share one’s good fortune. The former is, indeed, worthy of censure; the latter is supposed to leave you time to show empathy for the less fortunate.

The proper responses to unpleasant remarks by Elizabeth are silence and a change of subject. If this does not discourage the behavior, then it may indeed be time to back off the friendship, while remaining on polite professional terms. This can be accomplished by the same pauses applied on a larger scale -- namely, calls less frequently returned, and finding that you have less time to spend with her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)