DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a gentlewoman with white hair who looks her age. In the Before Times, I gratefully accepted displays of courtesy, such as doors being held open for me by gentlemen and ladies.

However, I do not know how to respond when someone holds a door for me but is not wearing a mask. I, of course, am wearing one -- for my own protection, and as a civic duty.

When this happens, I back away from the door and make a gesture of thanks, keeping an appropriate distance and refusing the assistance. To accept would place me within 6 feet of an unmasked person.

What ensues is a battle of wills: me refusing to walk through the door vs. the non-mask-wearing person insisting that I accept his generous help. I have tried explaining my reason, but that never works.

Eventually, the unmasked person gives up, and I open the door myself. How should I handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: That you do not do so by snapping, “My arm’s not broken” is a relief to Miss Manners. We want to encourage the few surviving courtesies.

But not at the risk of your health. The polite way to decline would be to take it upon yourself, saying, “Thank you, but I should stay away from you -- I wouldn’t want to reward your kindness by endangering you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a Catholic clergyman. Once the dangers from COVID pass and we can resume a semblance of our normal lives, I will be performing a cousin’s wedding ceremony.

The dress code for the reception is black tie. My aunt is insisting that I wear a tuxedo, which, to me, is a very odd request.

I told her I would wear either my religious habit or a black suit with a Roman collar, as they are the equivalent of a soldier’s Class A uniform. They are, simply, the best clothing I own.

In all my years, I’ve never encountered anyone who objected to clergy (or military) wearing their dressiest clothing to a wedding reception, but perhaps I am naive or incorrect. One usually expects clergy to dress like what they are, especially when they’re overtly functioning as such.

My aunt is quite confident that you, whom she calls the “Pope of Etiquette,” will set me straight and tell me that I’m being boorish. My superiors would normally not countenance wearing a tuxedo under any circumstances but, in this one case, they’re sufficiently bemused to have agreed to let me abide by your decision. (However, my habit or a black suit with a Roman collar would be what I would wear to see the actual pope.)

GENTLE READER: And to see Miss Manners, she trusts.

You aunt has hit a new low in attempts to act as costume director at a wedding. Unlike your superiors, Miss Manners is neither bemused nor amused.

Aside from establishing the level of formality, those giving weddings must rely on the judgment of the participants. Even brides who want to dress their bridesmaids alike run into trouble if they allow those ladies no choice.

You really must insist that if you are to perform this wedding, it is in your capacity as a clergyman and you must wear the clothes that are appropriate to that calling.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve just had another experience with someone who said something that I didn’t understand. I was at a pharmacy drive-up window for a COVID-19 test. My car window was open, and the communication took place over a poor speaker system while we both wore masks.

I said three times that I didn’t hear her. (I really did hear her, but I couldn’t understand her.) I then apologized and said I couldn’t understand what she was saying. She maintained her same cadence and sound level and repeated her question in exactly the same way every time.

The question/statement I couldn’t understand was “date of birth,” which had been combined into one word, hastily spoken without any questioning inflection. Instead of repeating this same phrase, wouldn’t it have been helpful to ask, “When were you born?” or, “Please tell me your birthday”?

I’ve noticed the younger generations tend to speak in a rapid-fire manner, and it’s very difficult to understand at times. I complimented one young woman at a hospital admissions desk because she was articulate and clear. She said she worked on her speech because it makes her interactions proceed smoothly and quickly.

Do you have the proper polite phrase to use to entice unclear and/or rapid speakers to rephrase the question or slow down?

GENTLE READER: Ask the person to please rephrase the question or slow down. Saying you could not understand -- or, worse, restating “What?” over and over again -- only prompts the speaker to repeat their question, usually with irritatingly increasing volume.

Miss Manners suggests that you heed your own advice and ask politely to have the question reworded. But please do so slowly and clearly, especially behind that mask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate enough to remain friends with my most recent ex, which does not change the fact that we broke up (my choice) for legitimate reasons. High among them was his tendency to fly off the handle with little to no warning. Another was his relationship with alcohol.

This past weekend, we got together. As per usual, I found myself walking on eggshells to avoid any sort of blowup. Later, after I’d gone home, I received a number of drunken texts that were inappropriate (not in a sexual way) and made me quite uncomfortable. The next day, he was back to his usual cheery self but, as is too often the case, I found myself still preoccupied with the previous day’s events.

Miss Manners, is there a way to call out someone’s poor behavior that won’t cause matters to escalate? He’s 85% delightful, but I’m always wary of the 15% undelightful side of him that could surface.

GENTLE READER: “You know how much I enjoy your company, but I am in constant fear of angering you --especially when we are drinking. Let’s confine our get-togethers and communication to public spaces and daytime hours until we know that this is under control.”

Miss Manners understands that it may not solve the problem. He could very well blow up right there -- or more likely, apologize and make promises, only to break them. But if you do end up having to give an ultimatum or end the friendship, at least he will have been warned.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught to announce myself when I make a call to a doctor: For example, “Hi there, this is Jane Doe, and I’d like to make an appointment to see Dr. Smith.” But every single time I do this, the receptionist invariably asks me at a later point to repeat my name: “OK, I have an opening on Thursday. What was your name again?”

I’m really starting to wonder if I should just quit being so formal, so I figured I’d ask you. Should I just say, “Hi, I’d like to make an appointment to see Dr. Smith”? Or do good manners dictate that I stay the course?

GENTLE READER: It is a safe assumption that a busy receptionist will not likely remember the first five seconds of a conversation -- including the caller’s identifying characteristics -- but only the last part: where to direct the call. That being the case, Miss Manners will not fault anyone for making both sides of the conversation as efficient as possible. She will call it a zero-sum game of etiquette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ordered a wine gift basket for my cousin and his wife who live out of state; I received an email thanking me for my gift. My cousin reciprocated by mailing me a fairly expensive gift card to a restaurant where I rarely dine.

I am contemplating a major hardware purchase and would prefer a gift card from a hardware retailer. Would it be appropriate to return the restaurant gift card to my cousin and ask him to exchange it for a hardware chain gift card?

GENTLE READER: Ever heard of thoughts counting? The giving and receiving of presents is not a practical proposition. The prevalent use of gift registries would argue otherwise -- but while they ensure that people get the stuff they want, they are devoid of any thought or sentiment.

Presumably you gave your cousins a wine basket because you thought they would enjoy it. Similarly, they returned your generosity with the prospect of a nice night out (or in, if your state mandates it and the restaurant delivers). That you really wanted a table saw is irrelevant to the exchange.

Miss Manners is certain that if your cousin returned the wine basket and asked instead for a sewing machine, you would likely suffer hurt feelings -- if not for the slight, then for the embarrassment at having it pointed out how woefully you missed the mark on what to choose.

She therefore suggests that you accept the restaurant gift card graciously. And use the money that you would otherwise spend on that night’s dinner to save up for that hardware.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and am then chosen, should I send a thank-you note to the bride for asking me?

GENTLE READER: Like what? “Thank you in advance for not exploiting me more than the others because I asked for it”?

Forgive Miss Manners’ cynicism. She has received too many letters from bridesmaids who have been sorely taken advantage of, and does not wish to see you victimized any more than necessary. A letter or even just a conversation stating how much the friendship means to you would be lovely.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)