DEAR MISS MANNERS: Mom is a professional complainer. It is not that nothing is ever good enough; that would be easy. Everything is unbearably horrible, and she is going to let you know all about it -- for hours at a time -- and continue to bring it up for years.

If I cook for her during visits, the food is inedible, and we are too cheap to take her out. (I am a professional pastry chef. I know how to cook.) If we take her out, we can’t choose a decent restaurant and are too lazy to cook. She is deeply offended, and the whole restaurant knows it.

Every gift we buy her is the stupidest thing she has ever seen, and we should have given her cash. But if we do give her cash, it’s never enough. We owe her more. We once gave her a vacation to a place that is all about her main interest, and spent way more money on it than we could comfortably afford. She hated it, and reminds me of that fact every gift-giving occasion.

But still, she had better have more gifts than the kids do, or else! We obviously do not care about her at all, she says, and on and on. She ruins every special occasion and family gathering, and makes a nervous mess of everyone with her ranting. She has a nasty temper.

We all want to tell her to just stay home, but she is getting up there in years, and is not in great health. Guilt keeps us coming back for more abuse. Can this situation be better managed, or do we all need to try to ignore it?

GENTLE READER: Being an active sort, Miss Manners likes to fix problems. But she acknowledges that some situations cannot be fixed; they can only be, as you say, managed.

What is to be done after you have exhausted hope of correcting a relative’s ongoing bad behavior, but before you conclude that the behavior is intolerable -- and that therefore, the relationship must be severed?

You must do what you can to mitigate the damage to others. You may be adult enough to ignore your mother’s outbursts, but it will be harder for young children. Perhaps they can be away on a playdate for some occasions. Avoid restaurant entertaining as a way of protecting your own good name, if not your mother’s.

As you are not going to please her -- with gifts or menus -- make choices that satisfy your own standards, and let that suffice. Guilt is not only counterproductive: It, sadly, fuels the bad behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way for a toddler to address a step-grandparent? There are already two sets of living grandparents, and the parents don’t want step-grandparents to be called “grandma/pa.” And who makes that decision -- the parents or the grandparents?

GENTLE READER: How one wishes to be addressed is a matter of respect, and therefore up to the person being addressed -- within reason. Miss Manners adds the caveat because not all reasons are equal. The person who takes enormous offense over an honest mistake forfeits some measure of her respect, if not the right to be properly addressed.

That leaves this decision to the second husbands and wives -- with the warning that, if they value family harmony, they will not adopt titles they have not earned.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in customer service, and I would like to remind people that, no matter what’s going on in the world, cashiers are people too. We did not make the rules, but could face consequences if customers refuse to follow them.

In the past few days, as regulations change in my corner of the world, tempers are growing shorter, and I find myself and my co-workers to be a sort of lightning rod for customers’ frustrations. We are cussed out, insulted, spit on and threatened over things like no longer carrying items that were discontinued several years ago, or for gentle reminders about the new regulations. Our store could be shut down -- or fined thousands of dollars, which inevitably comes out of employee paychecks one way or another -- for failing to uphold these rules.

I promise, when a cashier politely asks a customer to follow the rules, or double-checks that an order is correct before charging the customer’s card, it is done from a place of compassion.

Being kind to others is not a political stance. And spitting on a waitress, hostess, cashier or service worker is not going to change anything except your ability to return to the establishment in the future.

GENTLE READER: Even casual rudeness to service people during normal times is despicable. What you describe is horrifying evidence that there are people among us who are outside of the realm of civilization.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a conversation with my mother yesterday -- she is in her early 80s, and I in my early 60s -- we were discussing a wedding invitation that my brother and his wife received. She said that she deduced that my brother’s grown son, who lives with his parents, was not invited to the wedding. She told me that the envelope was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Joe Blow and did not include “and family.”

That part isn’t the problem. I was horrified that my sister-in-law did not merit the use of her own first name.

My mother is very accepting of changing times. By her word, ideas and voice, one would never guess her age, but I was very surprised that she still thought that was appropriate.

I have been married for 30 years and retained my own last name. Naturally, some people assume I have my husband’s last name, but if I were addressed as if I did not have my own first name, I would find that extremely offensive. To my recall, that has never happened.

My mother insisted (surprisingly for her) that this is still “how it is done.” Can you weigh in on whether this antiquated form of address is still appropriate? We’ve elected you as arbitrator.

GENTLE READER: Both forms are “done”; we allow a choice. Foolishly, Miss Manners realizes, because then people like you decide that not using the form you prefer is an insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend recently divorced. Mutual friends have been asking me about the reason they split. What is a polite way to say that it is personal and to mind their own business?

GENTLE READER: “I wouldn’t dream of asking her.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the new lipstick rule? There’s got to be one, right?

I remember that a lady was never supposed to refresh her makeup in public, although I used to see women brushing their teeth on the bus.

The problem now is not being able to put on lipstick at home because you are going to be wearing a mask. Sure, you can put it on when you arrive wherever you are going, but then others see you do it. And besides, then it’s fresh, and you get it on the glasses when you drink.

GENTLE READER: This isn’t the beauty department, but Miss Manners would suppose that there are lipsticks or lip pencils that claim to be kiss-proof, or that you can blot into submission -- or go for a look that concentrates on the eyes.

She will now scurry back to her own jurisdiction.

It has been a century since etiquette conceded that “ladies who painted” (not a reference to Mary Cassatt) might not be entirely lost to salvation. It permitted them to bring out a tiny compact, preferably jeweled, for a slight touch-up.

This was probably a mistake, because soon they were startling onlookers by drawing on their eyes. As you point out, grooming of all kinds has gone public. You can see the entire routine just by pulling up next to another car at a red light.

But if you promise to limit yourself to a quick application and blotting of lipstick, preferably while you park your coat before appearing to others in your pod, she will grant you an emergency suspension of the old rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because of safety concerns, I only invited a select few people to my physical wedding ceremony. Many friends attended virtually.

We received a mix of well wishes, money and gifts from our registry. I was shocked at the spectrum, as the money divide was quite large: Some people gave us $25, some more than $500. I’ve appreciated all the gifts a lot, as I spent as much as a “real” wedding would have cost. And with these crazy times, money is often tight for people.

Some of these friends have upcoming weddings of their own -- some virtual, some not. I was under the impression that about $100 per person was the usual amount to give, but it feels awkward giving that when that wasn’t what we received.

If a guest attends virtually (and doesn’t send a gift), do I give more for their physical wedding, even if I don’t attend? If they are having a virtual wedding, do I give them what they gave me? Are gifting rates different from in-person weddings to virtual ones, even though both are weddings?

GENTLE READER: Please stop this unseemly accounting. Nobody owed you a cent for getting married. Nor do you need to return the amount given when the donor is married.

If you cared about these people enough to invite them to your wedding, Miss Manners would think that you would want to celebrate theirs. There are no “gifting rates.” But the decent thing is to be generous to those whose circumstances are, as you say, tight.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)