DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small company in a relatively small and tight-knit industry, and was previously an officer in our industry’s national association.

Last summer, my wife died unexpectedly after several months of illness. The outpouring of sympathy I received was very comforting. Many industry colleagues sent emails, cards or flowers. Others left comments or likes on a co-worker’s post about my wife’s passing on his and our company’s social media websites.

Through all of this, there was one person I expected to hear from, but didn’t: a former co-worker who had left to work for a larger company in another state at the beginning of my wife’s illness. My company had a farewell party for him on his last day, which I was unable to attend because I had to drive my wife to a medical appointment. I sent him an email explaining this and wishing him well in his new job. He sent me a cordial reply.

Several times each year, when my wife and I had entertained visiting customers, or potential customers, in our home, we made a point to include this co-worker in the dinners. My wife enjoyed his and his partner’s company.

I had assumed that he would at least have sent some form of condolences when she died. I heard nothing, and am somewhat hurt and perplexed by this. I know that he knows of my wife’s death. The same day that a co-worker made a post about her passing, this former co-worker left a comment on another, unrelated post there.

I will probably encounter this person at a future industry convention. How should I react? At this point, my instinct would be to ignore or avoid him completely. If he were to sit at the same dinner table or enter the same elevator, my reaction would be to quickly and quietly leave, to avoid any unpleasantness.

I know that it is probably unreasonable for me to tell him that I am hurt that he never acknowledged my wife’s death or my loss, and I’m not sure if I could ever bring myself to do so anyway. What do you suggest that I do if I encounter him?

GENTLE READER: Presume the best. Yes, it is possible that he is unreasonably angry that you did not attend his last day at work and is now committing a disproportionate retaliation. But it is also possible that his heartfelt condolence letter got lost in the mail. Or something in between.

Before you shun him, Miss Manners recommends that you proceed as though it were the latter. You may say something like, “It is good to see you again. You know, Alicia was such a fan of yours ...” And then leave an opening for him to express condolences, explain his lack of response -- or reenact it. In which case, you may proceed without counting him as a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I let people know I don’t like being addressed by my first name?

GENTLE READER: Tell them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would say my parents “don’t get along,” but that makes it sound mutual. For as long as my sisters and I can remember, our mother has constantly nitpicked our father for things that have to us seemed petty, unwarranted, and not always within his control.

She has even put us in the middle by childishly refusing to go to some of our events if Dad was also going. We think she is just not a happy person and has taken it out on our father all these years.

Our father is, of course, not perfect, and we know there are things in a marriage that only the marital partners see. However, it has always seemed to us that our father tries to make our mother happy. He has also never spoken an unkind word about her in our presence, and has always insisted that we treat her with respect, no matter what she says or does.

Somehow, Mom and Dad are approaching their 50th anniversary and are still together. My sisters and I think we should have a special (albeit low-key) dinner in a private room at a nice, but not super-fancy, restaurant to recognize the occasion. We think it is the least we can do, because 50 years of marriage -- even if the marriage has been troubled -- is still an accomplishment.

My mother, of course, bristles at any acknowledgment of the occasion. My father realizes they don’t have a perfect marriage, but seems to want to recognize the anniversary. In other words, we can’t make them both happy. What is the proper thing to do in this situation?

GENTLE READER: From your description, your mother’s reaction to the proposed celebration is unpleasant and unsympathetic -- but, given her past behavior, unsurprising.

What, if anything, can be done? Miss Manners fears that you cannot force someone to be a guest of honor. But you can, privately, remind her that hers are not the only feelings to be considered. You can say that you know how unassuming she is, but that you and your sisters and the grandchildren would enjoy the celebration, and you know it would mean a lot to your father.

If she still refuses, you will have to find alternatives that do not require her consent, such as calling with chatty good wishes on the day, and sending flowers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been notified of a friend’s engagement. Others have stated that a gift is in order, some having already sent one. Is this something new?

I thought that simply offering congratulations was sufficient for an engagement. As it is, I intend to send a present to the bridal shower and then another for the wedding. She’ll also be having a baby shower before she walks down the aisle, and I will be shopping for that event, too.

How many gifts do I need to be giving here?

GENTLE READER: Technically, none: Presents are not actually required. But Miss Manners raises no objection if you have already steeled yourself for three presents.

That the necessity for a fourth gift was expressed not by the friend, but by unnamed (and incorrect) “others,” should make it easy enough to ignore.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My great-nephew and his wife are having a baby. The following statement was put on their shower invitation: “Masks are not required or needed, but if you think it is necessary, wear one. We want to discourage anyone from talking about politics, and please keep your virus opinions to yourself. If you have trouble starting a conversation, ask us: We can suggest things to talk about.”

I was deeply offended. I am very political, but am mature enough to know when and when not to talk about it. My daughter was also offended. We feel we were singled out because we are the only Democrats in our family and their group of friends.

GENTLE READER: Being both very political, and mature enough not to talk about it at every occasion, is an unusual combination these days.

Miss Manners says this not because she doubts you, but to remind you how desperate modern hosts are to protect their guests from one another. She therefore urges you to take this bossy invitation (which she does not, for the record, condone) stoically -- assuming that everyone received similar instructions, and overlooking the rudeness of criticizing others’ anticipated manners.

However, as masks are optional, you may not want to accept anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to respond to ”How are you?” or “How is your day going?” questions with a polite “I’m doing well, how are you?” response.

However, when I am greeted by someone at their job, such as a grocery clerk or a fast-food employee, I am loath to ask them the same questions -- not only are they obligated by their jobs to ask me, but they can’t reply with something like, “Oh, I’m having a crap day, dealing with customers for minimum wage.”

So I now respond (against my upbringing) with, “I’m fine, thank you for asking.” But this seems rude, as if I couldn’t care less about them or how they are doing.

GENTLE READER: As a democratic society, we believe in the equality of persons. It is therefore jarring to recognize that there are situations in which the roles are unequal: boss and employee, teacher and student, parent and child, revered elder and smart-alecky youth -- and customer and vendor.

The contradiction is more apparent as, over a lifetime, one expects to shift from role to role. Miss Manners therefore accepts your response, assuring you that it is not rude.

To a shopkeeper who thinks otherwise, she asks if, in asking you about your day, it is their hope to get a full-form response -- or whether it would not be preferable to move on to the next customer and get on with the day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My uncle ordered a toaster for my husband and me as a gift, but before we received it, the toaster was discontinued and immediately converted to store credit.

How do we write a thank-you for a gift we never received? To say “thank you for the toaster” seems like lying, but to explain the situation seems unnecessary.

GENTLE READER: Thank your uncle for his gift and his thoughtfulness -- with passion and conviction, but without further detail. This will make him think you forgot what he sent (hence the need for passion and conviction).

Unless he inquires further, you will have done your duty. If he does pursue the topic, there should be no embarrassment in telling him what actually happened.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)