DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m 13 and I’m in a wheelchair. It’s been three years. How do I get people to stop asking what happened to me?

I’m very happy -- I’m active with friends and involved with a lot of activities -- but it’s painful to talk about, and I don’t want to anymore.

GENTLE READER: Here is a secret that will serve you in many situations: You don’t always have to match your answer to a nosy question.

In this case, you should reply, “I’m fine, thank you; how are you?” If the questioner persists, repeat that you are fine, but ask in a concerned voice, “But are YOU all right?”

Just please promise Miss Manners that you will not apply this trick to your schoolwork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I donated to a fundraiser through a friend who volunteered at the organization. She sent me a monetary thank-you, saying to go have lunch on her.

It left me feeling awkward -- almost like getting money back on what I donated. Is that an appropriate way to express gratitude? It felt weird, and it made me feel like I should not accept that cash. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: It is weird. In that context, it looks something like a kickback, although Miss Manners hopes that your friend was merely succumbing to the crass idea that payments are always welcome.

You must thank her, of course. But you might enclose the money, saying you would like to make an additional donation to the charity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While we did not attend the wedding of our dear friends’ grandson (whom they helped raise) due to our COVID guidelines, we did send a very nice present from their wedding website. We also mailed them a very nice card, separate from the gift, that was delivered to them well before the wedding.

The thank-you just arrived, and the couple only thanked us for our good wishes. I went back to the wedding site and verified that the gift was received (as was our name and address given to the recipients,) but somehow the bride and groom forgot that we gave them the gift.

I am not concerned that they don’t know that their new set of knives, which they use every day, is from us. But I don’t want our dear friends to think that because we did not attend the wedding, we did not send a gift.

Should I say something to my friend, or let it go? I would not want to make the happy couple uncomfortable, but I want our friends to know that we care.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners suspects that the couple didn’t bother to personalize their letters of thanks -- how hard is it to say “Thank you for the ...”? -- it is possible that this response was only to your card.

So you could still ask the grandparents whether the present was received, which is the sneaky way of getting the couple in trouble. Yet they did manage a mailing, which not everyone does, so perhaps you should not tattle. Just remark idly that you hope the knives are useful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I am not an artist of any kind, several of my friends and acquaintances are locally known professionals, and others are hobbyists who turn out beautiful work. I am occasionally invited to their openings, and I am never sure what to say to the artist on her big night.

Since I’m not knowledgeable, I can’t make comments like, “The brushstrokes on that camellia are out of this world,” at least not convincingly.

Ideas? Or should I stick to generalities?

Also, I was struck by how much one person’s paintings reminded me of the works of a group of world-renowned Canadian painters. Would it be OK to say something like, “Your take on the rocks and cliffs reminds me so very much of Tom Thompson,” or is that insulting?

GENTLE READER: It is not hard to please artists -- or any other creative people -- with compliments. Any enthusiastic generality will do. And while you are not there as an art critic, Miss Manners has a kind remark even if you really hate the work: “You must be so proud.”

As for comparisons, she suggests asking whether the other artist might have been an influence, which is slightly more respectable than suggesting that there might be some poor imitating going on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three elderly lady neighbors in my apartment complex. We’ve gotten closer since COVID, and for many months, we had socially distant drinks on the porch every afternoon.

I have been chafing under the expectation that I will be on the porch with them every day. Further, I don’t feel like I can leave or come back during the assigned time without having to explain myself. They send texts to invite me back to the porch. They keep tabs on me, to the extent that one calls me to see if I’m out when my car is not in its customary spot.

How do I get them to back off? I have told them that I won’t be down as much, and I haven’t joined them lately. I know they mean well and are bored, but the attention is intense. I feel trapped and guilty.

GENTLE READER: But they know where you live.

That does not mean that they need to know what you are up to. Being issued an invitation, or many of them, does not require you to accept. Think of it as a standing invitation (with too many reminders), which you need accept only when you feel like doing so. That they are able to meet often does not mean that you are.

The best excuse is no excuse, accompanied by an expression of regret: “I’m sorry, I can’t this time.” To attend and then leave, it is, “I’m sorry, I have to go now.” Should they dare to ask why, the response should be, “Because I have things I must do.”

And you needn’t answer the telephone when they call to check. An occasional, “Sorry, I don’t pick up when I’m busy” should be enough to discourage that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My twins are 2 1/2. My brother and sister-in-law (who are delightful and lovely, and with whom we get along well) call my son by a nickname that we never use -- think Tom for Thomas -- and misspell my daughter’s name -- think Anne for Ann.

We hardly ever see them because they live far away, so I haven’t said anything about it. I’ve rather been hoping that they’ll pick up the right name and spelling in our conversations, but so far, it hasn’t happened.

We’re going to see them soon, though, and I’d prefer that they get it right. They also have two young children, and they may need a little time to get used to hearing and using the right names. (Not so worried about how the preschoolers spell.) I’d also like to embarrass them as little as possible.

Is there a polite way to say, “We don’t actually call him that,” and “We actually spell it this way”? I’m probably overthinking this, but I don’t want to make them feel bad.

GENTLE READER: Correct spelling may be a battle that you can win. Nicknames, unfortunately, are not.

Miss Manners suggests that you save your energy for the former -- because you and your twins will spend the rest of your lives sustaining it for the latter. Nicknames are almost impossible to guard against -- at any stage of life.

For the moment, however, she suggests that you proceed with correcting those preschoolers. It is much more socially acceptable, and even expected, for you to help them spell things. They can also be a major asset down the line by correcting their parents -- a job that they will no doubt relish, and abuse, in your stead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I turn to you in hopes of finding a reasonably polite and mannerly response to individuals who feel the need to question my use of a handicapped parking space (while displaying a handicapped placard, of course).

Apparently, I do not conform to a particular “disabled” look, which it seems all those with a disability must possess, and individuals find it necessary to point that out -- often using the most unpleasant decibels of their outside voices.

Wishing to avoid a public confrontation, what am I to do? Politely pointing out that not all disabilities are immediately visible has not been effective. An icy glare followed by “Excuse me?” or “What an odd comment” have not produced satisfactory results, nor has simply walking (limping) away.

I would prefer to avoid my last-resort option of unbuttoning my top and displaying the scar bisecting my body, as I am sure that would be unacceptable behavior in a social situation.

GENTLE READER: It would, but Miss Manners certainly understands your frustration. To avoid providing visible proof, how about, “Thank you for your concern, but I assure you that my doctor and the DMV approve my condition -- even if, it seems, you do not.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)