DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I have taken it upon myself to organize a joint gift for my group of friends’ wedding anniversaries. We live all over the country, so it’s a way for us to stay connected for the big moments. I took this on willingly, and enjoy finding gifts I think will be enjoyed.

This wouldn’t be a problem, except I’ve found that getting everyone to participate in picking the gifts and paying for them has become like pulling teeth. This makes me want to stop doing the group gift, since it is really that in name only.

My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up this year. I’m hoping they forget about it and don’t get me a gift, so I can stop organizing guilt-free. If they do forget, do I need to explain that I won’t be doing it anymore, or just let it fall to the wayside unspoken? If they remember, must I continue, or is there a way to bow out gracefully then, as well?

GENTLE READER: Not seeing the purpose of guilt without any accompanying crime (and not seeing any crime or contemplated crime in your description), Miss Manners looks at the problem somewhat differently.

Your upcoming anniversary is not a solution, but a problem. Quitting after they forget your anniversary would be a disaster: Instead of looking as if you did not care, it would look like you cared so much that you are walking away not just from the gifts, but from the friendships. And quitting after they remember might look like, having gotten yours, you are done.

You will therefore have to struggle on for a little while longer. Some time after your anniversary, you can tell everyone that, having been the organizer for years, you hope someone else will now take over.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I bought a beautiful shallow raku dish for a friend. It’s lovely. But recently, she happily showed me that she had planted a cactus in it!

The beauty of the color and pattern is no longer visible whatsoever. I can’t imagine why she would choose to use a valuable, handmade dish as a planter. It’s offensive to me; I wish now that I’d kept it for myself!

Is there any way to explain to her that if she had a bona fide planter, she could then display the gift I gave her? Or, once given, is it simply the owner’s to use (and abuse) in whatever way she chooses?

GENTLE READER: The dish now belongs to your friend, so it is indeed hers to use and to abuse.

But more importantly, Miss Manners urges you not to take offense. Your friend showed you what she had done, with the thought that it demonstrated how much she valued the gift -- and that you would be pleased. For the sake of the friendship, accept her intent and forget what you would have done yourself.

There is an additional moral to be learned. If you had given your friend an expensive bottle of wine -- only to find it being used as cooking wine in the kitchen -- you would have concluded that, for next time, this is not the right present for this friend. A similar lesson can be applied here.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend, “Maya,” who has been very cautious about the virus. She has for the most part stayed home, having groceries delivered and keeping up friendships via technology.

I respect her choices, but I’ve been quite a bit more “out there.” I go shopping, to the salon and out to restaurants. I wear a mask and social distance. Maya has “tsk, tsked” me this whole time and said some insulting things about my intelligence.

Well, guess who got the virus? She did! I have remained healthy and active and have tested negative several times.

Luckily, Maya was able to recover without hospitalization. I feel she owes me some sort of apology, or at least an acknowledgment that her “I’m better than you” attitude was wrong. Should I open a conversation or just let it go?

GENTLE READER: We try not to pick on sick people. Yes, Miss Manners knows that Maya was picking on you, but as you object to that, you should not be returning it in kind.

Besides, what is your point? That the virus can strike despite precautions does not mean that one should not take precautions.

If it is any comfort to you, not saying “nyah-nyah” is more effective than saying it. She will hear her own words better if you are silent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband had to miss his old friend’s online birthday party because he had to work. He did call and wish him a happy birthday first thing in the morning, and he called his buddy again as soon as he got home from work.

Obviously, that was not good enough. Now they are not speaking.

We know that his wife does not like my husband, and previously caused a lot of trouble and heartache for him. I suspect that she is behind this.

Should he “apologize,” or should he just let this 68-year-old friendship go by the wayside?

GENTLE READER: The friendship has gone by the wayside, Miss Manners is sorry to tell you.

It doesn’t matter whether the wife was involved. The lack of respect for your husband’s legitimate scheduling conflict, and for his finding other ways to recognize the birthday, is so outrageous that it suggests the old friend was looking for an excuse to break things off. And found a particularly unpleasant one.

Yes, an apology should be given, but by the birthday celebrant. You should probably not stay up waiting for it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a housecleaner, and received gifts from my clients this past Christmas as tips or thank-yous for the work I did for them throughout the year. Do I write thank-you notes for the thank-you gifts? I don’t want them to think I am not grateful, but I feel as if I am thanking them for a thank-you.

GENTLE READER: You would not be thanking them for having thanked you. You would be thanking them for having given you those presents. Miss Manners urges you to do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a mature married woman. We live within our means. We want things, but don’t need things. For gifts, well, we go get what we want. Generally, if we can’t afford it, we don’t want it. We are happily satisfied with life as it is.

So, we don’t want money for a gift. What we want and need is to hear from our loved ones: A “Happy birthday,” “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Mothers/Fathers Day” is awesome to us. That connection with family and friends is worth more than anything.

Our grown kids are the same way: hard to buy for because they have everything they need!

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners dislikes entering Grumpyville, she worries whether the world hasn’t gotten too crass for the ancient and beautiful custom of exchanging presents to be meaningful.

It is not just you who has, or can buy, anything you want. Those who need and want material things are often disappointed by presents. And even when they are satisfied, they might fail to get what you also miss: thoughtfulness.

The idea of exchanging presents is not to barter goods, much less to pay people for milestones and holidays. It is to symbolize that not only do you have some feelings for another person, but you appreciate that person’s interests and taste.

This is not easy, which is why it often falls short of delighting the recipient. You can be fond of people whose preferences you don’t understand or are not in a position to observe. Furthermore, these may change over time, and do so especially rapidly with growing children.

So we augment our observations with indirect questions to parents or partners, and drop hints to those likely to be givers. At least, that was the system until people decided it was not efficient enough, and it became common to hand out lists of what one wanted. And if that is too much trouble, the symbol itself is eliminated in favor of giving money.

Not only does this get others to pay for what one had wanted to buy for oneself, but it relieves those people of having to think up pleasant surprises. What was thereby removed from the custom was thoughtfulness -- the very thing that you do want.

Miss Manners has to ask herself what is left. As these exchanges are supposed to be reciprocal, nobody should come out ahead in the long run. And nobody will have the thrill of receiving something that shows how well the giver understood oneself -- or the amusement of receiving a misfit, which is nevertheless treasured because of the person who gave it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about the fairly new practice of “return receipts” -- sales receipts to include with a gift, provided by the store to facilitate returns?

I’m of two minds about it, myself. Such receipts certainly make returning gifts easier, but I dislike the presumption that goes hand in hand with the receipt: that the recipient probably won’t care much for what I’ve picked out.

GENTLE READER: Oh, those naughty stores, packing such receipts with presents that are perfect and no one would ever want to return. However, considering that it is not done by the giver, Miss Manners considers these a good idea.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)