DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a mature married woman. We live within our means. We want things, but don’t need things. For gifts, well, we go get what we want. Generally, if we can’t afford it, we don’t want it. We are happily satisfied with life as it is.

So, we don’t want money for a gift. What we want and need is to hear from our loved ones: A “Happy birthday,” “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Mothers/Fathers Day” is awesome to us. That connection with family and friends is worth more than anything.

Our grown kids are the same way: hard to buy for because they have everything they need!

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners dislikes entering Grumpyville, she worries whether the world hasn’t gotten too crass for the ancient and beautiful custom of exchanging presents to be meaningful.

It is not just you who has, or can buy, anything you want. Those who need and want material things are often disappointed by presents. And even when they are satisfied, they might fail to get what you also miss: thoughtfulness.

The idea of exchanging presents is not to barter goods, much less to pay people for milestones and holidays. It is to symbolize that not only do you have some feelings for another person, but you appreciate that person’s interests and taste.

This is not easy, which is why it often falls short of delighting the recipient. You can be fond of people whose preferences you don’t understand or are not in a position to observe. Furthermore, these may change over time, and do so especially rapidly with growing children.

So we augment our observations with indirect questions to parents or partners, and drop hints to those likely to be givers. At least, that was the system until people decided it was not efficient enough, and it became common to hand out lists of what one wanted. And if that is too much trouble, the symbol itself is eliminated in favor of giving money.

Not only does this get others to pay for what one had wanted to buy for oneself, but it relieves those people of having to think up pleasant surprises. What was thereby removed from the custom was thoughtfulness -- the very thing that you do want.

Miss Manners has to ask herself what is left. As these exchanges are supposed to be reciprocal, nobody should come out ahead in the long run. And nobody will have the thrill of receiving something that shows how well the giver understood oneself -- or the amusement of receiving a misfit, which is nevertheless treasured because of the person who gave it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about the fairly new practice of “return receipts” -- sales receipts to include with a gift, provided by the store to facilitate returns?

I’m of two minds about it, myself. Such receipts certainly make returning gifts easier, but I dislike the presumption that goes hand in hand with the receipt: that the recipient probably won’t care much for what I’ve picked out.

GENTLE READER: Oh, those naughty stores, packing such receipts with presents that are perfect and no one would ever want to return. However, considering that it is not done by the giver, Miss Manners considers these a good idea.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 11-year-old does all things slowly. The beat of his drum is something like one-quarter the speed of most people’s. Normally this is fine, and he can take his own sweet time, but mealtimes are a conundrum.

At dinner, polite behavior requires that diners wait for all to finish before moving on to dessert or other activities. However, this either requires the entire family to sit at the table an extra 30-45 minutes every night (and yes, we’re a typical, busy family with activities and homework to get to), or we leave him alone at the table to finish eating while we get on without him.

Sometimes we compromise by leaving one parent to sit with him. Sometimes we beg him to eat faster, but that seems unhealthy, as well as impolite. How would you address this nightly issue?

GENTLE READER: By encouraging the other family members to stay for a reasonable length of time -- say, 30 minutes -- in the name of togetherness and family loyalty. And when that does not work, tell them that you are supplementing their education with valuable conversation skills -- ones that can help with college and job interviews later on.

Doing otherwise, Miss Manners cautions, will set a precedent that others can leave the table when they have eaten. But if your son is still not finished after the time allotted, move him to the kitchen, where you can still be with him, but also clean and do other household chores. Or increase those job skills by making his siblings do them instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee is a chronic double-booker. Often she suggests plans, only to message me shortly beforehand and say, “I cannot take you out because I forgot I have work/an interview/a phone call, etc.”

I love this person very much, and have really tried to accept that her poor time management is just part of the package, but in all honesty, it continues to hurt my feelings.

What offends me the most is that my fiancee has a tendency to negotiate after she apologizes. She says things like, “Well, it is your decision to be upset,” and “I wouldn’t have said to meet at 11 if you had told me yesterday that you had an appointment at 2.”

I feel that the tasteful thing to do in an apology is to simply accept blame and not point fingers or go into lengthy explanations. Am I wrong about this?

To make things more complicated, there are definitely cultural differences at work. Should I reduce my expectations in light of this?

GENTLE READER: Are you prepared to reduce them for as long as the two of you are married?

Cultural generalizations aside -- and Miss Manners recommends that you be careful of that -- you are the one who must determine if this is acceptable behavior. If it is not, tell her of its effects. Hurt feelings are non-negotiable, and only build over time. Miss Manners suggests that you be careful of that, too.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I let a family member know that her social media posts about her son are reading as negative? I know the written word isn’t always “heard” in the voice the author intends.

My niece-in-law is biracial. She and our nephew just had their first baby, and in her words, he ”really passes as white.” Her first post mentioned her surprise at how white he was, and some read it as negative. But subsequent posts explain her disappointment at his color by saying that she had hoped that she could share her biracial experience with him, and hoped maybe his color would change. These messages are tied up with other posts about Black Lives Matter.

I can’t know what it’s like to grow up biracial, but I know what it’s like to disappoint your parents at birth -- I was a girl, they wanted a boy. That was a single statement, spoken to me only once. I sit here imagining that I had had to read it as a public post, and see that my mother didn’t voice it once, but repeatedly. How would that feel? How much harder would it be to rationalize away?

Social media never goes away, and I don’t want these comments to hurt this child or his relationship with his mom down the road. I’m sure if asked, she’d say she loves her son unconditionally. But if he sees these statements, how can he believe it?

Should I (or someone) say something to her? Or to my nephew? (If my nephew’s mother, my sister-in-law, were still living, I think she’d say something to him. I don’t think his dad would want to rock the boat.)

Should I just stop following her on social media?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if that is the only way to save you from yourself. You are right about the danger of posting qualms about a child, but the damage is done.

So Miss Manners would recommend that you stay far, far away from this. It is personal, both in terms of the racial element and the mother-child relationship, and no good can come from your commenting on it.

Of course, you could argue that your niece started it by putting it out there for public consumption, but you are not the demographic from which she is looking for a response; yours will only exacerbate the situation. Telling a new mother that she is hurting her child will further alienate you from her.

Instead, bolster your grandnephew’s confidence throughout his life by telling him how wonderful, smart and handsome he is (while being careful not to equate any particular skin tone with beauty). Miss Manners feels certain that this is also his mother’s intention, and that what she was posting was not a reflection of her love for the boy.

You will do more good for the relationship and this child’s ultimate well-being this way, than from afar as an estranged family member. Which is what you will likely become if you confront her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you politely correct someone who constantly scrapes their bowl or plate with a fork/spoon?

GENTLE READER: By holding your ears, politely saying “Ooh, ouch,” and then apologizing for having done so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)