DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of many years and I broke up last year under what could euphemistically be called “difficult circumstances.” I was, as they used to say, the innocent party.

Neither I nor my three adult children had (or have) any desire for continued contact with this person, but when he and I met casually at a social event recently, he made reference to something he had seen that he wanted to get one of the children for Christmas.

Now, we were all raised to be gracious in receiving gifts and prompt in acknowledging them; however, I can assure you that such graciousness may well be beyond the reach of my very well-bred children.

Is it ever permitted to refuse a gift? If so, how does one do that? All of my children live out of town, so the anticipated mode of delivery would probably be the U.S. Postal Service.

I was too surprised when he brought this up to say, “Oh, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” but I also want to protect my children as much as possible from a really impossible situation.

GENTLE READER: Gifts cannot be refused merely because you loathe the gift. But they can be refused if you loathe the giver, or distrust his intentions -- an exception the Trojans forgot, to their peril.

Doing so is not a neutral gesture, which is why it is not to be done indiscriminately. As your children are adults, they may have to mail the unopened presents back themselves. Were they still in your immediate care, Miss Manners would agree that the task would fall to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am ashamed and mortified to say that when I visited my sister-in-law’s home, I stayed too long. In hindsight, I realize how obvious they were being about wanting me to leave.

She had called and invited me over, I was not late, and was only there approximately 45 minutes to an hour.

I am beside myself at not getting a clue sooner, or knowing what I should have done different. I am just ashamed, embarrassed and mortified at myself and the situation.

I would like to know how best to let them know that afterwards, I recognized my faux pas of overstaying my welcome, and that I am truly sorry. What is the best and proper way to convey my apologies?

GENTLE READER: Without more context, it is not clear to Miss Manners how a 45-minute, invited visit could have been a major imposition. But whatever your sister-in-law did obviously made a strong impression, albeit a delayed one.

Did she clear the table, wash the dishes and start the laundry? Did she turn off all the lights? Did she excuse herself and reappear in her nightgown? Now that you have learned her signals, Miss Manners recommends you commit them to memory for next time -- and include a limited reference, in your next conversation, to your hope of not having inconvenienced her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law made some horrible financial decisions. While we cannot fix her mistakes, we give her gifts at any and all occasions and holidays, in order to help her without treating her as a charity case. We also try to provide a few pleasant extras that she cannot afford. We neither expect nor want gifts in return.

Though not shy about handing out wish lists, she was never a gift-giver, so the one-sided dynamic is not new. What makes it hurtful is the way she tells us that she was going to pick us up a card or something, but she “didn’t feel like it.” And she can be counted on to say that our gift is not enough and that we owe her more.

We do not want to be disrespectful, and we do not want her to be hungry or miserable, but resentment is growing after many years of these insults. Is there a polite way to make it clear that all she needs to say is “thank you,” without it coming down to a fight?

GENTLE READER: Prolonged bad behavior by near relatives is painful and unpleasant. The mildest response is to say, “I’m sorry you are disappointed” -- with a delivery that, without being rude or aggressive, makes it clear that your sorrow does not run deep -- and then change the subject.

Not responding to your mother-in-law’s bait may, by taking the fun out of it for her, cause her to modify her behavior. But it may not. If the behavior is not irksome enough for you to be willing to cause a breach, then Miss Manners urges you to consider your forbearance a good deed that you are infrequently called upon to repeat. And take comfort from your spouse, who has had to put up with her for much longer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In February of this year, I spent two nights in the hospital with what ended up being blood clots in my lungs. One of my wife’s closest friends -- someone my children call Aunt, and a person I’ve thought of as family -- has not reached out to me one time to find out how I’m doing.

In addition, we recently saw her and her husband, and neither of them asked how I’m doing. Thankfully, the blood thinners are doing their job. I’m wondering if I’m overreacting to her not reaching out.

GENTLE READER: It is true that friends and family members express interest in, and concern over, one another’s health crises. But they may also have reasons not to inquire: delicacy, redundancy or the simple assumption that, as you look well, the crisis has passed.

Above all, Miss Manners recommends against making assumptions of ill will and of keeping score. We can all hope that, if you overlook this one time, there will not be so many future crises that you will have the opportunity to test your thesis that your wife’s friend is indifferent to your well-being.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am dating a very nice man I have known since high school. We have been officially dating for two years and the relationship is going very well.

As we are both over a certain age, many of our close friends ask why we don’t live together. I don’t think they are being nosy, it just seems to be “the thing to do,” and they are wondering why we haven’t followed suit like other couples.

We are perfectly happy living separately; I have expressed this, along with the fact that I don’t believe in it. I have teens, and although I am divorced, I don’t believe in living together without a marital commitment. This is just my way.

I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings, but after two years of explaining this to people, I’m tired of repeating myself. Is there any way to just politely end this line of questioning?

GENTLE READER: Do you really not consider this a nosy question? People often wonder about other people’s private lives, but Miss Manners does not consider this an excuse for prying.

You are not required to satisfy this curiosity. The response to why you do not live together is because you live in separate homes. Repeat as often as necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are a part of three different families, due to his parents divorcing and remarrying other people. We have two kids.

We end up receiving so many Christmas presents that it ends up feeling more like a burden of stuff to deal with than a blessing. I’ve dropped hints about this to the grandparents in the past, and tried to impose a gift limit. They have cut back a little, but every year, there’s still too much stuff.

We come home with so much that it takes more than one trip to fit it all in the back of our SUV. I end up with a huge pile of gifts to deal with that takes up a whole room, and the kids don’t even play with everything due to the onslaught of plastic. I feel like I’m drowning in stuff.

It almost feels like these three sides of the family are competing against each other in some ways. One grandmother asks my kids what the other ones gave, and another grandma asks them what gift was their favorite this year, etc.

I’ve read that for some people, their love language is gift-giving. I suspect this may be at play here. It’s also way easier to buy something than to put in the effort to come visit us and take our kids out for a fun activity -- we live two hours away -- but I’d much prefer the latter. I even included it as an idea for a gift once, but no grandparents took the hint.

I know that our parents won’t be around forever, and the kids will eventually grow up and this won’t be an issue. Is it rude to try and get them to give less stuff and more of their time by taking the kids to do something fun?

GENTLE READER: Would it work? Not from the evidence that you supply.

Miss Manners suggests that in addition to becoming a donor to charities for children -- with a lesson for your children, when they select what to give -- you take the lead in arranging such excursions, as a treat for grandparents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)