DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am done with shopping for my older nieces and nephews for Christmas. They are all adults now, and have never made one effort to recognize any holidays for anyone except themselves.

They rip open their gifts, but never acknowledge the giver or offer any thanks, not even when I hand the gift to them outright. I watch my nieces open their gifts then sit and compare them to each other’s, all while ignoring me completely. Not once do I hear “thank you.”

Their parents are no different. Usually they show up with a bag of all the same items, then they just hand them out unwrapped and untagged. Not really a lot of effort and thought. They seem to like getting nicely wrapped, individualized gifts from us, they just don’t bother to thank us.

Am I wrong for being done? Anytime we give them a gift, they grab it and disappear, not to be seen for the rest of the day. I’m hurt then, and I am hurt now. It seems Christmas with these relatives is more about greed than actually seeing family. They all have jobs, but still act like they are in elementary school when it comes to gifts: totally entitled.

I know with giving gifts, it is the thought that counts, but my thoughts are that it’s time to stop. What are yours?

GENTLE READER: That it is time to stop. Evidently, this is a burden on everyone. Not just you, but the parents, who are at a loss about how to select presents to please individuals, and the nieces and nephews for whom showing gratitude is too much trouble.

Presents are not owed, like some sort of tax for being in a family. The idea is supposed to be mutual thoughtfulness, which is not working in this case. So to be thoughtful to people who can’t handle present exchanges, Miss Manners suggests that you tell them that it will be enough pleasure for you to see them, without everyone having that extra bother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, I was told by my parents that the light by the front door should only be left on if one was prepared to receive guests; if it was off, then nobody should knock, unless it was an emergency. Is this a legitimate custom? And, if so, does it have any credibility today?

I have a luncheon bet riding on the reply, though my mother will undoubtedly make me pay no matter what.

GENTLE READER: Someone who is so good at making rules that she gets away with decreeing that she wins no matter what is not someone with whom Miss Manners cares to tangle. She can only assure you that your parents’ rule about outside lights may apply to you, but it is not generally known or practiced.

People may turn on such lights at night not to invite company, but to keep intruders away. What would-be visitors need to know nowadays is that there are many forms of communication by which to inquire in advance if they would be welcome.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I make regular donations to several charities, and receive regular solicitations from them in the mail, as well as from others that I have never heard of. I have decided to use my stimulus check to donate to a few different charities on a one-time-only basis, but that means that I will probably start getting solicitations from them, too.

I hate the thought that my contributions will go to pay for postage and printing, not actual work. Is there any practical way to make sure my money isn’t used for further solicitations?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you can suggest that they start using electronic mail instead. Or as a contributor, make your donation contingent on being used only for a specific and worthy purpose. “For the library fund” would be a good example. “Meetings in Bermuda,” Miss Manners suggests, would not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a wonderful new son-in-law, and I’m not sure how to handle gift-giving now. I usually give money to my daughter for birthdays and Christmas, but what is right for her husband? Do I give the same amount of money to him as my daughter, or less?

GENTLE READER: Nothing says “Welcome to the family” like telling the new member exactly how much less he is worth than the originals.

Miss Manners will otherwise spare you her lecture on giving money as presents, but this would be an excellent argument against it. However, if you insist, she suggests giving them a combined check for Christmas -- or, better, the equivalent amount in a joint household present -- and then a gift for his birthday. If he really wants to assess his relative value, he can always return it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who recently changed her look pretty drastically. She likes it: It’s cute, sassy and low-maintenance, the trifecta!

She works in an office where there are repeat clients that she’s known for some time. A surprising number of them think it’s OK to comment negatively on her new look: “You butchered your hair!” “Oh! What does your husband think?” and more.

Whatever happened to “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”? Any advice for something polite but pointed so she can indicate that some of these comments are unkind and unnecessary?

GENTLE READER: “Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I love it and think that I will keep it, if you don’t mind.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend of one year and I disagree on the subject of exchanging gifts. We are both in our 70s. We both have everything that we need or want, and are actually getting rid of things. I feel that we should forgo exchanging gifts, but she seems to want to give gifts.

GENTLE READER: Indulge in an event or meal that can be shared.

But since you asked, Miss Manners’ opinion is that you stop trying to dissuade the lady from displaying affection. Pragmatism does not pair well with romance and Christmas. Discouraging the celebration of either will not bode well for this still-fledgling relationship.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family is actively trying to be anti-racist and would like some help understanding microaggressions. Can you put this in simple terms that we can explain to our children? It’s already a big word!

Our school is wanting to start tracking microagressions experienced by students, and I want to do my best to teach my kids about them at home so they don’t get in trouble.

GENTLE READER: Microaggressions are a tricky concept. Often disguised as compliments or pleasantries, and seemingly unintentional, they contain implicit bias and are rooted in a system of inequality and unfair advantages.

It is Miss Manners’ optimistic belief that, left to their own devices, children start out free from prejudice, but also with little understanding of their own privilege -- if they have it. (Most adults are only now beginning to grasp this concept.) This gives you the opportunity to educate them early on. By the time unconscious bias turns to purposeful and aggressive bullying, it is too late.

You can start at home by educating yourself and then talking to children about intersectionality and demographics other than their own. Children respond particularly well to “How would you feel if ...” scenarios. Perhaps you can complete that question with some of these:

-- if someone made assumptions about you based on what you looked like?

-- if someone made jokes about you, or singled you out for something that was part of who you are?

-- if someone gave you a compliment, but you felt like it really wasn’t?

-- if someone asked you pointed questions about your family or background, but did not do that to others?

-- if someone constantly made you feel different?

Finally, it may be tempting for you to ask others about their experiences in the name of “research.” Do not. Almost as important as the education itself is that the burden not be put upon the very people who are victims of it. Ironically, that in and of itself is a microaggression.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For Christmas, I would like to give my husband a polo shirt sporting our son’s fraternity letters. I know he would be honored to wear it; however, I was wondering if this would be appropriate, as it is my son’s fraternity and not my husband’s. Our son would be thrilled to have his dad wear this.

GENTLE READER: Do they sell a “Proud Father of ...” shirt, so that your husband can avoid appearing to claim a direct affiliation that he does not have?

Otherwise, she cautions that your husband may well be subjected to inquiries about his old fraternity days and bewildering attempts at secret handshakes. Here’s hoping that it does not extend to hazing rituals as well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got remarried, but kept my last name. My spouse and I have a child together, and children from previous relationships, so there are four different last names in our family. How should we sign our Christmas cards?

GENTLE READER: Why, Miss Manners wonders, are you issuing cards to people with whom you are not on a first-name basis? The obvious solution would be to sign them with only that. But then again, you could also take this opportunity to eliminate last-name confusion by writing them all out, and consider that a Christmas present for your correspondents.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)