DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a grandchild’s birthday, would it be inappropriate for a grandparent to post a message that talks of their late spouse and how they “wanted you to know they are watching over you”?

I personally feel that a child’s birthday celebration is not the time to grieve the loss of your husband. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you are less than thrilled about Nana’s post on Jaden’s 5th birthday announcement.

However, there is a difference between grieving and acknowledging. If Nana was diverting attention from Jaden by posting a page-long eulogy in lieu of a birthday message, that would be one thing. But Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with acknowledging that Pop Pop might be thinking of him as a way of reminding him of his grandfather -- as long as that acknowledgement is kept brief and doesn’t scare the celebrant, as in “Happy birthday, Jaden. Miss Manners is watching you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to cook and bake, and am told I’m quite good at it. My husband, who means well but is completely oblivious to common sense, found out that a friend of his was getting rid of her stove and buying a new one.

That she might be getting rid of it because it’s a complete junker didn’t occur to him. I came home from work to find that he had surprised me by replacing my perfectly fine stove with the stove his friend had gotten rid of.

I don’t know why he thought I needed a new stove when I liked the old one. The new one is horrible. The oven has only two settings: too hot (things burn on the outside and are still underdone on the inside) and too cold (things don’t finish baking). None of the burners fits right and they all tilt, which means that it is impossible to cook evenly on the stovetop. After only a month, I’ve come to hate cooking, and dread going into the kitchen to try to make a salvageable meal on that piece of garbage.

Obviously the solution is for me to buy a new stove for myself, which I’m going to do, annoyed though I am at having to spend the money. How do I do so in such a way that I don’t convey to my husband that I hated his gift? Do I need to wait a certain amount of time?

What do I say if he asks me why I bought a new stove so soon after he gave me one? Do I raise the subject, and if so how, or do I just quietly replace it and hope he doesn’t say anything?

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between the surprise element that comes with a personal present and that of a major shared household item.

Miss Manners gives you her permission to replace the oven openly, telling your husband, “I can see why Mandy got a new stove. I am afraid that this one was on its last legs, and we’ll have to get a new one.” She further suggests that you take this opportunity to request that your husband confer with you when it comes to replacing crucial domestic appliances -- if not, perhaps, charm bracelets and coffee mugs.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law sent my husband $1,200 and told him to spend it on clothes and stuff for himself.

It takes me one month to earn that kind of money working 40 hours a week. For the past three months, I have been working 80 hours a week to support us. I am stressed and tired to the max, but I do it so we can be comfortable. My husband does not work, which is an arrangement we agreed on.

We just got married and moved into a house that needs furnishings. I feel that he should not accept the gift if it is tied to how she wants it spent. I think that the money should be used to buy necessities. There are a lot of things we need and want. Clothes are not one of them -- especially $1,200 worth of clothes.

I feel disrespected by his family. I work very hard to support us, and to have them dictate how to spend a gift of cash is creating a huge rift between us. Am I overthinking this?

GENTLE READER: You are underthinking it.

Every time Miss Manners believes she has completed her list of reasons for disliking cash as presents, a Gentle Reader is kind enough to provide another.

Etiquette awards the choice of gift to the giver, but frowns on attaching conditions. (The difference between a suggestion and a condition is left to the reader to determine.)

Etiquette also recognizes the recipient as the beneficiary. Had your husband received a box of chocolates, it would have been considerate of him to offer you some -- precisely because there was no requirement that he do so.

As both you and your sister-in-law are at fault, Miss Manners will address herself to your husband, and suggest that it will be easier on him if, in the future, when his sister wants to spoil him, she precedes it with a private phone call so she can provide an actual present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother died seven years ago. Her sister, who is in her 90s, is the only family member of her generation still alive. She and my mother were not close and I have not had good relations with my aunt.

When my aunt dies, am I, as the oldest member of the next generation, obligated to send flowers or make a donation to her designated charity? If so, can I send it on behalf of her sister, my mother, even though she is deceased? Or can I simply send a short note to my cousin, with whom I am not close, offering her my sympathy?

My mother was a paragon of good manners and I feel obligated to make sure she would be represented well.

GENTLE READER: You are right to represent your mother’s feelings, rather than your own, on the death of your aunt. But the name at the bottom must be your own: Anything made to look like it comes from your deceased mother will be alarming, and might also be seen as disrespectful.

Write a letter to your cousin expressing your own condolences. Although such letters are not typically long, there will be plenty of room to include the kind words you believe your mother would have said to mark the occasion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a male friend who is always bringing up people I don’t know: people he works with and people from his past. The content is almost always of a problem at work or a death. I have no interest in listening to such empty chatter.

He expects me to sit and joyfully listen to news about people I don’t know. Recently he got very angry when I said I didn’t want to hear about these people. He responded very angrily and loudly with, “Well, you know what? I’ll just call somebody who cares about me.” I never said I didn’t care about him; I said I didn’t want to hear about his work-related stories about strangers.

Am I wrong to not want to hear about the people he works (or worked) with or the people from his past, none of whom I know? Please help me set the conversation in a productive direction.

GENTLE READER: It is reasonable to set some boundaries to stories about people you do not know. Where that line is, however, depends not on your knowledge of the person being discussed -- you can always get to know them vicariously through these stories -- but on the nature and depth of the friendship, the amount of repetition and the level of reciprocity. In other words, does this friend listen to you in return?

Miss Manners will provide you with three ways to change the subject -- and one way not to. “Yes, you told me about that; it sounds really annoying,” is acceptable, so long as it is delivered with compassion, not impatience. “A similar thing happened to me ...” is another way out. (If your friend does not listen to your stories, you may wonder whether the friendship is worth continuing.) And finally, “You seem so upset. Let’s talk about something else to cheer you up.”

Let us agree, however, that you will not characterize news about the death of one of your friend’s acquaintances as “empty chatter.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a severe hearing loss that requires a hearing aid. Although I can hear fairly well when my aid is in use, I can only hear certain ranges.

Some friends and relatives will speak in low tones in my presence when they don’t want me to know what they are saying. Besides the fact that I find this rude when I am right there next to them, I also find it hurtful.

Should I just let this slide whenever it happens, or is there something I can say that may make them aware that this is not kind?

GENTLE READER: Such behavior is reprehensible, but it is also rude to correct another person’s manners. This limits your possible responses, as Miss Manners rejects the idea that one rudeness justifies another. (The mathematical logic behind such a trade ignores the fact that, in her eyes, one plus one equals two rude people -- which is twice as bad as one.)

Patiently ask what was said, as you could not hear it. Tiresome as this will be for you -- and your friends and relatives -- they will eventually avoid the inevitable request to repeat themselves by saving their secrets for later.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)