life

Licking the Salt From a Margarita

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 8th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I often enjoy margaritas on the rocks with salt on the glass rim. He has a habit of first licking the salt on the rim and then taking a swig.

I think this habit is rude, but he thinks it is no problem. I simply take a drink normally, enjoying the salt while drinking (not licking!). Is his habit socially acceptable, as he claims, in the context of margarita drinking?

GENTLE READER: Licking is the prerogative of those not old enough for margaritas -- and, even then, it is limited to popsicles, lollipops and other inherently silly foods.

life

Miss Manners for October 08, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 8th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just started walking a friend’s three dogs in the evenings while he’s at work. They are very sweet animals, but one of them has difficulties interacting with other dogs. Even if she seems excited, she can snap and get protective when another dog gets really close.

I’m strong and calm enough to hold her in place safely, and we specifically try to walk at times and on side streets that won’t have many other people out with their animals. The problem is a single path through a local park.

Usually when we go, it’s more or less abandoned. It isn’t a dog park, or even fenced in. It’s not very wide, and it’s the only way back to the house that doesn’t involve a main road with sometimes-dangerous traffic. And, especially in bad weather, it’s almost impossible to move off the path onto the grass, which is what I’ve done with other anxious or excitable dogs in the past.

Despite all this, there have been a couple of occasions when someone has had their dog off-leash and tried to engineer a meet-and-greet. By “engineer,” I mean their dog was already much closer to us than the owners, and they called out cheerfully to let us know that their dog was friendly.

What is the polite way to approach this situation? The last dogs I walked were very small, so when someone else was being unsafe about letting theirs charge off-leash -- or giving me incredibly dirty looks when one of “my” dogs started barking because they saw someone else’s approaching down the street -- I could just pick the dogs up and carry them around the nearest corner or in the opposite direction.

But one of these dogs is almost 50 pounds, and while I can keep her at my heel in a bad situation, picking her up and walking off just isn’t an option. I’d rather just avoid these situations altogether, but when someone is being so friendly and oblivious while doing something so dangerous, I feel like a deer in the headlights.

GENTLE READER: The approaching owners communicated that their dogs are friendly. You need to communicate that yours (really, your friend’s), to your regret, are not.

Take a firm grip on the leash, lean back as if the dog is about to pull you forward, and tilt your head to one side with an apologetic shrug. This may work, but it may not: In Miss Manners’ experience, dogs are often better at reading body language than their masters. If that is the case, call out, “I’m so sorry, but I’m the dog walker and this one is not good around other dogs.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Correcting Falsehoods and Copying the Entire Email Chain

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 7th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It often happens these days that I am sent an email from a friend or family member containing a claim or allegation, usually political in nature -- e.g. “Candidate So-and-so is actually a lizard alien.” (They are usually not quite so obvious, of course.)

Upon checking credible sources, I find that the claim is false -- aka not true, fake news, A Big Fat Lie. I reply (courteously!) to the sender and let them know, including links so they can check for themselves.

Thus far, I have no qualms. However, it often happens that the email I receive has been forwarded several times, without removing previous senders and recipients’ names and email addresses. Therefore, I am 1. aware that many other people have received this false information, and 2. in possession of a way to contact them.

What is my ethical obligation to these people? Should I include them in my reply to the sender? This seems uncomfortable, since I don’t know most of them. On the other hand, false news and rumors are such an enormous problem today that I also feel an ethical obligation to alert people when they’ve received such things. And of course, I always harbor the hope that alerting them will also make them more careful in the future about what they send on.

What is the correct thing to do here?

GENTLE READER: Although she does not doubt the accuracy of your research, Miss Manners worries that the other recipients may feel about any correction from you the same way you felt about the original: bothered and aggrieved.

Once everyone starts shouting, the neighbors are more interested in restoring silence than in parsing who is correct. She therefore counsels you not to copy others unless your response is short and contains information they need -- such as the desire that you be dropped from the thread.

life

Miss Manners for October 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 7th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whether it’s work or personal email, often the person I’ve messaged has answered a question I didn’t ask, or only answered one in a list of many (separated for clarification). How can I politely say, “Go back and actually read the email I just sent you”?

I am having to interact multiple times simply because they have not read the content carefully. I don’t appreciate wasting my time or having to repeat myself, and it is negatively affecting the way I view these people.

GENTLE READER: The frustration of talking to someone who is not listening predates email, as does the solution: repeating yourself until you get a response -- with as much patience as you can muster.

Miss Manners realizes this is an imperfect answer, so she appends her own sympathy, and offers a shortcut: copy and paste.

life

Miss Manners for October 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 7th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most polite way to ask about the possibility of returning a gift? Signed, Four Sizes Too Small

GENTLE READER: With the truth plus a bit of sugar: “I just adore it, but of course you didn’t know my size. I’m so sorry to trouble you, but could you please tell me where you got it so I can exchange it?” Miss Manners urges you to assume as much of the burden for effecting the exchange as is practically possible.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Reacting If the Preferred Gender Isn’t Revealed

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 6th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been invited to a gender reveal party, being held virtually due to COVID-19, and I’m not sure which facial expressions to bring to the event.

The expectant parents have implied that, after two daughters, they’d like a boy. So how should I react if the balloons are released and they’re expecting another girl? Do I frown and express my regrets? If it’s a boy, should I put on a wide smile and say I’m glad for them?

I’m happy to celebrate the upcoming birth, but find it uncomfortable to prioritize the child’s sex with an awkward event such as this, particularly when I know the parents’ inclinations. Unfortunately, my laptop will be capturing my face in close-up, so I need Miss Manners’ advice, including her acting skills.

GENTLE READER: If there is anything sillier than a gender reveal party, it is one given by parents who have made their wishes explicit. Miss Manners wonders what their own faces will register if they receive unwelcome information -- and which of their guests will, years later, let this slip to the disappointing child.

If you must attend this event, she suggests that the “reveal” would be a good moment to try on your mask.

life

Miss Manners for October 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 6th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter’s boyfriend is proposing next week, and we are planning on going to dinner with his parents afterwards. How do we handle the bill? Which parents pay?

GENTLE READER: Whichever set of parents invited everyone are the hosts, and therefore responsible for the bill. But Miss Manners is hoping to hear that neither couple did; that it was the young gentleman himself who issued the dinner invitations.

That would be charming of him, indicating a desire to mark the new relationship that will affect both families. As he has confided his plans to you, such is presumably the case.

However, it would be less charming if either set of parents had told him that he should report in after such an intimate occasion. Nor should they usurp the symbolism of his being an adult who is establishing his own household. There will be plenty of occasions on which parents can entertain the new couple, but this is one in which the person who issued the crucial proposal should take charge of related events.

life

Miss Manners for October 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 6th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Out of habit, when I make a purchase, I routinely say “thank you” at the end of the transaction. It is my expectation that the person on the other end of the transaction say the same thing, and most do. But some, mostly younger people, respond with “You’re welcome.”

I am rather put-off by this. I would expect the customer to be told “thank you” even if the customer says it first. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Is there not enough rudeness around, that you must quibble with courtesy?

It is pleasant, but not obligatory, for cashiers and customers to thank each other. But the correct response to “Thank you” is “You are welcome.” Miss Manners is pleased that it has not been entirely replaced by “No problem.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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