life

Partner Constantly Reads Headlines at Me

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 8th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner, who is generally a wonderful and caring person, likes to, as he puts it, “read the internet” (that is, his favorite news sources) for at least an hour every day.

I don’t particularly mind, although I wish he wouldn’t do this at the table (but I have been guilty of that, too). However, he has a habit of reading things “at” me -- regardless of what I am doing at the time. I may be reading, writing, cooking, thinking about something or rushing around trying to get ready in the morning, but whatever he sees that strikes him as funny, interesting or worthy of derision, he will begin reading it to me without first asking if now is a good time.

Much of what he reads is actually interesting, though I’d prefer not to follow the daily ups and downs of politics so closely. I don’t mind him sharing it with me, but I’d prefer a daily summary of the best of the day’s news, rather than an ongoing commentary.

How can I politely request this? I’ve made the point before, and he has sounded as though he understands, but the habit hasn’t changed. I’m not sure how to give daily reminders appropriately.

GENTLE READER: Next time he tries to read a headline at an inconvenient time, try putting a quick and apologetic finger up, followed by, “Oh! One sec. Let me just finish my thought.” (Or paragraph or risotto or pants-buttoning.) “Then I would love to hear about what you’re reading.”

Miss Manners recommends that you repeat this as many times as necessary, as long as at dinner you remember to say, “I was distracted when you were trying to read me something. Now I would love to hear all about it.” By this time, he will likely have forgotten, or will just give you the highlights.

Better yet, establishing a “no devices” rule at the table will help to classify this information as dinner conversation.

life

Miss Manners for August 08, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 8th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment building that allows us to buzz people in the front door through an intercom system. My neighbor will often buzz us to let her in because her hands are full.

I wouldn’t mind helping her if this was an occasional incident, but she is beginning to do this several times a week. It is really starting to become a nuisance. Please advise me the best way to handle this.

GENTLE READER: Stop answering. Or only do it sporadically.

Miss Manners does not wish you to be unkind or unhelpful, but being available to your neighbor on command is not your job. And under the current circumstances, you may well be trying to do your real job at home and are being constantly interrupted.

If you relegate the buzz-answering to once a week, your neighbor will learn not to rely on you -- and perhaps, also, how to put her groceries down for a moment so that she can use her key.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Why Can’t We Just Say ‘I’m Sorry’?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some friends and I have noticed an uptick in people “correcting” us when we say “I’m sorry.”

It can be as simple as my saying, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day” (“Why are you sorry? You didn’t cause it”), to apologizing for being late (“No ‘sorry’ needed”), to expressing condolences over the death of a spouse (“Don’t be sorry; she’s in a better place”).

I feel discounted and dismissed, not to mention somewhat appalled that I would be admonished in public. Why don’t people just say “Thank you” and leave it at that? What gives, and is there anything I can say?!

GENTLE READER: The apology has indeed been much maligned by every means -- from considering it an admission of wrongdoing to being cited as the reason women do not receive promotions at work.

But like you, Miss Manners finds it a symbol of polite society, not yet another courtesy to be viciously picked apart for its literal interpretation. Even qualifying it with why one is sorry -- as in, “I am so sorry for your loss” -- can, as you say, be found to have fault.

“I meant I am sorry for you,” said weakly and with a sigh, seems to be about the best that can be mustered -- until we learn as a society to accept compassion graciously.

life

Miss Manners for August 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor who is extremely outspoken and opinionated about everything!

I, on the other hand, go with the flow in my life and don’t let negativity take up space in my mind if I can help it.

I struggle with knowing how to be a good neighbor and not wanting to hear all her ranting. Usually I try to make sure I’m not out when she is, and if so, I just wave or say hi, but pray she doesn’t run over and start up. What’s the best way to handle this, as I live directly across the street?

GENTLE READER: Keep something permanently cooking on the stove.

life

Miss Manners for August 07, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have friends who were supposed to be married soon, but due to COVID-19, they have had to postpone the wedding until the fall. Back in January, I ordered them a gift that is personalized with their names and original wedding date.

What is the appropriate thing to do with this gift? Should I still give it to them, or should I just toss it, since it can’t be returned? If I give it to them, should I do so now or wait until the fall? I just don’t want to commit a faux pas or upset them because they had to postpone their wedding.

GENTLE READER: As much as Miss Manners hates to see this thoughtful present go to waste, she is afraid that giving it to the couple might be an unfortunate reminder of what did not transpire -- or befuddling to their future children or archivists.

Perhaps the retailer will take pity and be able to design over the engraving or otherwise detract from it. If not, it might be more tactful to keep it, turn it the other way around and get the couple another present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Handling Bike Lane Infractions

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 6th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to live near numerous public parks. These parks have two parallel lanes: one for bikes/rollerblades and another for foot traffic. The rules for which lane to use are well-known and well-posted.

Sometimes I encounter foot traffic in the bike lane. This is both an annoyance and a safety concern, as I may need to go over a barrier or onto the grass to avoid a collision. It doesn’t really bother me if people walk along the edge or briefly drift onto the bike lane to avoid obstacles, but those that walk down the middle of the bike lane drive me nuts.

I have taken to saying “You’re in the bike lane” as I zip past. This alerts them and allows them to correct their position if it was inadvertently chosen.

But honestly, my comment is intended -- and received -- as a scold, and sometimes embarrasses them, as others hear it. It’s also strictly true, so there’s that. I never look back after passing, as I don’t want to further escalate nor encourage them to shout a retort.

Will Miss Manners allow this? Or how else can I respond?

GENTLE READER: There was never a high probability that Miss Manners was going to approve your yelling at pedestrians after you nearly ran them down.

This is not to say that your problem is insoluble, merely that it requires a different approach. Stick to the bike lane. Ring your bell, and if you want to take the time to instruct, stop in front of the pedestrian and dismount with a look of surprise and concern -- as if you only just avoided a life-threatening collision.

“I’m so glad I saw you in time. This is the bike lane. Are you OK?” This will embarrass them without leaving them yelling at you. And it will avoid your being rude in the event that the pedestrian’s crime was not premeditated.

life

Miss Manners for August 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 6th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a personal (not business) phone call, which person should begin to end the call: the one who initiated the call, or the call receiver? Or does it not matter?

GENTLE READER: It is not who initiates the termination of a call, but rather how it is done, that is the more important point. The available methods are infinite, ranging from the rude slamming down of the receiver -- meant to terminate not just the call, but possibly the friendship as well -- to the tactful “Well, I won’t keep you,” to the traditional “Sorry, I have to go; I hear my mother calling.”

In these days of time-limited videoconferencing, Miss Manners prefers almost any one of these to the communication snapping off at the whim of a distant electron.

life

Miss Manners for August 06, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 6th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are baby announcements (mailed via the postal service, not email) still a thing? I am expecting and wondering.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette still prefers such announcements to chronicling every minute of the pregnancy and birth online. But given the universal enthusiasm for talking about oneself and encouraging presents, Miss Manners is surprised they are not more popular with parents-to-be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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