DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the circumstance where someone suffers a horrific and life-altering medical event, is it ever OK for someone who is not a close friend or family member to relay the message?

When such an event occurs in my family, I prefer others to spread the news in order to take it off of our hands, so we may grieve and heal. However, when I am privy to such information that has yet to make its way around, I am highly reluctant to share with the uninformed parties.

Is there a “proper” way to go about this?

GENTLE READER: Give, or get, permission.

If the news is yours to give, and you would prefer someone else did the honors, then designate a close friend or relative to do so, specifying (and prioritizing so as not to overburden them) who would most need to hear it. If the information is given to you, ask if it would be helpful to tell others, and which ones.

Miss Manners has no doubt that circumstances and individuals will vary widely in either situation. Having good intentions and using tact and discretion will help in figuring out who prefers what methods for spreading unfortunate news, but it is wise to ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made a birthday box for one of my 13 grandchildren, who is 13. I took time to decorate a box with ribbons and vintage stickers, etc. Inside were a variety of gifts and some cash.

On our travels, my husband and I always look for special items that we think the kids would like. If they request something specific, we try and get them that. Our card read, “Wherever we are, we are always thinking of you, as we are now on your birthday. Love, Grandpa & Grandma.”

We sent it the day before her birthday. My husband and I were excited to hear back from her to see if she liked her gifts, but more importantly, to connect with her and see what was new, what she was doing, etc.

We never heard from her. A few days later, my husband received a text from his daughter saying that Morgan really liked her gifts, and thanks. I am hurt and don’t know what, if any, my response should be. I feel this is a teachable moment for Morgan, and that she should learn to acknowledge a gift, no matter what it is, and not have her parent do it. I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up to my stepdaughter, who I feel should be the one to teach her daughter.

GENTLE READER: Make your husband do it.

Or better yet, Miss Manners suggests that you start a separate correspondence with your granddaughter. Tell her how much you enjoy finding things she’d like, but how much more you’d like to spend time getting to know her. You could add that if the presents are not to her liking, you won’t burden her with them, but that if you got to know each other better, you would be able to better identify things that she liked.

If Morgan is smart and likes material goods, she will quickly learn to thank you herself -- and you will have established your own relationship.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Cleaning out 30 years of home.

Gave away to a very close friend two items

I regretted giving

Called her next morning

Asked for them back

I made an overwhelmed decision

May I have back

She said no

You gave them away

She gave them to her daughter

Was very hurt/disheartened by her decision

Kept friendship

Had given her at least 30 items before this

So

Who was right

I myself would have given them back

GENTLE READER:

Unfortunately

She gave it to her daughter

So she too would be forced to ask for something back

Which she obviously won’t like

However

Miss Manners has some sympathy

She will grant you

One more appeal:

My grandmother gave me that necklace and brooch.

Might your daughter like to pick out something else of mine?

I have some other wonderful things.

But if your very close friend refuses

Miss Manners is afraid that you must let it

Drop

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has the habit of leaning three inches from his plate and sniffing his food. I contend that it is offensive to do this; it conveys the message to me that he is questioning the food’s consumability. He maintains that it is human nature to smell one’s food, and that it is a survival instinct found throughout nature. Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: What is natural and what is correct are two very different things. After all, it is also a survival instinct to relieve oneself at the exact place and time that one finds it necessary, but even dogs learn to curb that tendency. Quite literally.

A survival instinct is something instilled in order to continue the species. Therefore, by your husband’s own logic, if he is smelling his food with the intention of warding off his own death, that is indeed offensive to the chef.

However, if your husband can manage to disguise these unseemly whiffs to look as though he is merely delighting at the aroma, then Miss Manners supposes it could be made acceptable. It would have to be terribly convincing, though.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my friends is super overdramatic! What do I do to help my friend not overreact to everything?!

GENTLE READER: How dramatic?! Is it of the false alarm variety? As in, “Quick! Come over now, it’s an emergency!” when your friend can’t decide what to wear on a date? Or is it more hyperbole: “I literally wanted to die” after accidentally stepping on someone’s toe?

In either case, the response is to take your friend seriously. For the first: “What? What?! Oh my gosh, you scared me. I thought your hair was on fire!” And for the second, “If you are contemplating harming yourself, then we should definitely get you some help.”

In order for this to be effective, however, Miss Manners insists that there must not be a trace of sarcasm in your tone. Then one of two things will happen. Either your friend will be surprised that you are taking those announcements seriously, and recognize that they must be toned down, or it will lead to accusations of your being the one who is overly dramatic.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question is how to respond to applause.

Golfers get it on every green, even if they have missed two putts. Some do not acknowledge it at all; some just raise a hand to the waist or even lower. The better ones touch the front of their cap or wave to the crowd, both rather classy gestures.

Most efforts are desultory and perfunctory at best. It’s clearly a bother to some, as if they’d rather not have any audience at all (perhaps to distract them). Some overdo it, I think.

I think that golfers are entertainers and should follow some rules. In a theater, actors bow and acknowledge applause until they leave the stage or drop the curtain. They know who is paying their salaries. Golfers seem ungrateful.

GENTLE READER: How entertaining golf is as a spectator sport, Miss Manners will leave to those more knowledgeable than herself. She agrees that, generally speaking, professional sports, like theater, are entertainment.

The recent invention of street applause -- for first responders and teachers -- is more akin to a traditional bow, and should be acknowledged as such (assuming those being thanked are actually present). But actors are not expected to take bows mid-monologue, and athletes, doctors and teachers cannot be faulted for concentrating on their game.

What to do, then, when the sport does not establish a time for accepting the trophy, or for protesting that the victory would not have been possible without your teammates, your mother, your significant other, your agent and your fans? A tip of the hat or raised hand seems a reasonable -- and grateful -- compromise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When traveling by public transportation, is it proper to move from a seat next to another person to one next to an empty seat?

Americans have a tendency to spread out when we can, so I generally expect that the person next to me (especially if she or he is seated by the window and can’t easily move) would appreciate the extra space. But I don’t wish to give offense if my moving is likely to cause my seatmate to think I find his or her proximity unpleasant.

GENTLE READER: The pandemic has changed so many things about our daily lives that it is noticeable when something stays the same.

Switching seats was never rude -- so long as it was done with an absent-minded look, as if you thought you were getting off, realized this was not your stop, and sat back down in the nearest available seat. Miss Manners insisted on this bit of playacting so as to preserve the possibility that your action was not a complaint about size, body odor or telephone habits.

It is all the more useful to avoid implying that a person may not only be carrying a fatal disease, and is heartless enough to knowingly inflict it on fellow travelers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)