DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am ready to yank my fingernails out with vise grips!

One of my best friends lost his partner several months ago, and keeps bombarding friends and family with tribute requests. I acquiesced initially, but I’m taking a firm stand now and refuse any further participation.

How do I convey my message without losing a friend?

Mind you, his significant other was a tough 22-ton tanker times 10 -- a two-fisted hardcore alcoholic. On any given day, he would be in a stupor at best, breaking coffee tables at worst. For us to contribute to a liver foundation because he died of liver disease, I feel, is outrageous!

It’s been going on nearly a year now, and my friend is asking if he can count on us for yet another memorial donation. Please give some soothing advice, or else I’ll be going in for a medical manicure very soon.

GENTLE READER: “I have limited resources and will be turning my attention to another cause this year. But I will be sure to drink a toast in Thadeus’ honor the next time we are all together remembering him.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who is only available to speak with me late at night, around the time I am having something to eat. It has come up that she doesn’t approve of my eating while on the phone. I understand, but the alternative is that I would call her back later, which she also doesn’t want me to do.

I am hungry, distracted and need to eat something, so I am torn between eating or talking with her. How should I handle this?

Oh, and I am not in need of losing weight, so that is why I don’t see this as an opportunity to do so.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners would never have jumped to that conclusion, you now have her wondering about the timing of these conversations and how long it takes you to digest.

Would not the logical solution be to pick a time that is mutually satisfactory? Late enough for your friend, but after you have had time to eat? She suggests that you start setting some parameters: “9 p.m. is when I have my muffin break. Perhaps you can call at 9:15.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a call from a man who had gotten my phone number from my niece. She did not ask me first if it was OK for him to have it.

Is it all right for her to have done this? She thinks I’m overreacting.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps she would change her mind if you reversed the situation. Miss Manners does not necessarily recommend putting this into practice -- she is not in the business of exacting revenge. But the mere suggestion that you know lots and lots of eligible people her age who would just love to chat with her, constantly and without warning, might be enough to make your point.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I congratulated a co-worker on the new addition to his family. He responded by saying his son was boring: that all his son does is sleep, eat and dirty his diapers (not the term he used, but I wanted to clean it up for you).

I have worked with disabled children, so my first response was that a lot of people would be thrilled to have a “boring” child.

He probably has no idea that my husband and I are infertile. Other people have complained to me about their children and (hopefully) jokingly offered them to me. My response to them is, “If you give them to me, don’t expect to get them back.” Any suggestions on how to respond to these examples would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Such people think that they are being funny -- and that they are sharing what they believe to be a common experience, but clearly is not.

However, being complicit in their humor by offering to steal the child may only be encouraging them. Miss Manners suggests that you ignore the unamusing banter and say wistfully in return, “It all sounds lovely, actually.” This should not necessarily betray your situation, but shame them into admitting that it actually is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a gathering four years ago, I politely greeted a young father and mother, although I don’t know them well, and said hello to their 6-year-old daughter, Mia. Mia glowered at me and said nothing. Her mother said, “She’s not talking today.”

This took me by surprise, so I responded, “Well, please tell her that I said hello.” The mother apparently took great offense and said, “She can HEAR you! She’s just not talking!”

I was so embarrassed and caught off-guard that I think I said “Oh, my,” and stepped away. Four years later, the mother and Mia still seem to regard me with contempt. I don’t know what I did wrong in this very awkward situation. Did I handle it badly? What should I have done differently?

GENTLE READER: Silence and glowering seem to run rampant in their family. Barring sickness or a disability (and even those should come with an explanation from the parent), Mia’s reaction was unacceptable. It is wrong to teach a child that ignoring people with mean looks, if and when they feel like it, is acceptable behavior.

Your response was not only justified, it was the only graceful way to have handled it. It certainly did not merit a four-year grudge. Miss Manners recommends that you avoid this family in the future -- as it seems that they have made it impossible to do otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I offer my grandchildren a second helping or a snack, they say, “I’m good,” which they learned from their father.

What would be your response to this?

GENTLE READER: ”Well, that remains to be seen. But would you like some more chicken?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a deaf individual, and therefore, my husband is my communicator. Whenever I interact with a business and anticipate being called by them in the future (to schedule an appointment, etc.), I always ask if their business name comes up on the caller ID. It surprises me that most receptionists do not know. They tell me to look for their number on the caller ID and they leave it at that, leaving me stumped.

As a reminder, in this day and age, we receive a lot of unsolicited calls with bogus numbers and no names. We do not answer the phone. If it’s important enough, the caller will leave a message. Then my husband listens to all our messages, returns calls and clears out the messages.

My best advice for all businesses, of any kind: Please have your company name come up on caller ID. This will avoid much confusion, blame and wasted time.

GENTLE READER: Reasonable as it is of you to hope that callers will identify themselves properly, the best antidote to confusion and blame is to assume good intentions. That, and remembering that you and your husband are not the only parties to your call.

Miss Manners is not suggesting that someone is listening in, only that the telephone company, your telephone manufacturer and any number of other participants have a say in how caller ID identifies a caller.

The receptionist does not tell you what will appear on your screen when receiving a call because he or she does not, and likely cannot, know. If you will agree not to criticize her for not being up on the latest technology, Miss Manners will ask to leave a message when she does not reach you on the first try.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend always gets offended when I put hot sauce on food she cooks. She says it is “trailer-trashy.” I personally love hot sauce, and do not see the issue. Can you tell me if I am showing bad dinner etiquette by eating her food with hot sauce on it?

GENTLE READER: At family meals, hot sauce -- reasonably applied, and preferably after first tasting the dish -- is allowed by etiquette, if not by proud chefs.

The problem is how to get it onto your food without escalating the disagreement. (Miss Manners presumes -- hopes -- that the lady did not start out by calling you offensive names, but only resorted to it out of frustration that you were not listening. This would be an explanation, not an excuse, for her poor behavior.)

The solution is to derail the conflict by inventing something about which you can reach a compromise. Admit that you realize that having the hot sauce bottle on the table is, indeed, poor manners, which you would like to correct by having a dish to put it in. You hope that she will then agree to overlook your weakness for a little extra spice in your life.

Failing that, you could offer to bring the filled plates to the table while her attention is elsewhere.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)