DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was having a disagreement with a friend about her 9-year-old daughter. She thinks it’s OK for her child to correct adults as long as she’s right. I feel it’s totally disrespectful to correct your elders. Especially at 9 years old!!! What is proper????

GENTLE READER: By that logic, you had better make sure that you are the elder in this relationship -- since Miss Manners notices that you are freely correcting your friend’s parenting.

But yes, as a general rule, it is unseemly for children to go around reprimanding adults, no matter that they are often undoubtedly right. But neither is it proper for anyone to issue citations without using tact, and that rule has been roundly violated here.

However, to the larger question: How to properly guide children to correct misinformation without creating offense -- a skill that will help them later in life, especially in their early careers.

It must be done with humility. As in, “Oh! I always heard that the Earth rotated from west to east, but I must have heard wrong. I will have to check my sources” -- thus helpfully prompting them to check theirs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a member of any social media, which seem to be the rage these days. My husband’s younger relatives are now starting to have children and announce the births there, instead of sending out the birth announcements that I have always depended on for vital information such as the name of the child and the date of birth.

My husband does communicate through social media with these relatives, but has never felt it necessary to convey this information to me. When asked, he is vague about the details, since he does not feel it necessary to give presents for any reason, birthdays and Christmas included.

Since I have always handled the giving of such presents and am in ignorance of the relevant information, I have chosen not to send presents. Am I incorrect?

GENTLE READER: You cannot send presents to people whose events you are not aware of, or whose names you do not know. Miss Manners feels certain that once these young relatives are tipped off to this idea -- and the presents and good wishes start dwindling -- they will recommence sending announcements through the proper channels. In the meantime, consider that you have a temporary reprieve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can I say to parents who comment on a child’s size? My child was asked, “How old are you, 7?” “Five,” he answered, to which she responded, “Oh! You’re really big for a 5-year-old.”

We would never dream of telling someone “Gosh, you’re really short for only being 47,” or “Golly, you’re very fat for being 28,” so I don’t know why it seems OK to speak this way to and about children. I’d like your help with a polite response I could make.

GENTLE READER: “Thanks so much for noticing. We’re hoping that by the time he turns 8, he’ll be big enough to drive.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in her 60s and pride myself on my cooking. My sons and friends will vouch for my ability. I am also not above learning from others or taking suggestions.

That being said, the other night I was cooking some stuffed peppers in the oven. When I went to check on them, the tomato sauce looked very dark.

When I told my husband what I noticed, he said he had added some red wine.

I was livid. It’s one thing to come to me and say “Hey, how about adding ...” but to add it without me knowing was unacceptable. He seemed to think it was no big deal.

We are both in the wine and food industry. Do you think it is OK to alter someone else’s cooking while it is being cooked, and without asking or telling?

GENTLE READER: Not only is it not OK, it is a plot device for domestic murder mysteries. Miss Manners suggests you emphasize that point to your husband and make a deal going forward: No one may alter any food or drink in preparation without warning and explicit and verbal consent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my spouse and I wed, we stated on our invitations, “No gifts, please.” However, a number of guests left cards with checks in them. Some of the amounts were in the range to cover expenses, but others were considerably more substantial.

Of course, we sent effusive thank-you cards, but I wonder: Should we have been more explicit and stated, “No gifts or cash”? While we were happy to get the money, I hate to think that we inadvertently implied that we were asking for cash in lieu of gifts, or even intended to leave the door open for it.

GENTLE READER: Because the modern wedding industry cannot conceive of a world in which you are not well-compensated for getting married, that is the modern interpretation of “No gifts.” It has seemingly been updated to place the emphasis on the word “gifts,” rather than “No.”

Miss Manners always found the phrase distasteful because of its implied expectation for presents in the first place. Now she finds it doubly so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know it is considered impolite to ask for something that is not on the dinner table. I was wondering, however, if it were permitted to ask for routine things, such as salt or water.

Is it OK to ask for tea when coffee is offered, or should one just refuse a drink? Cream cheese is routinely offered with bagels, but I prefer butter. Is it acceptable to ask if they have such, or do I eat my bagel dry?

GENTLE READER: Naked bagels and beverage abstinence are not required, as long as requests are polite and reasonable. Miss Manners allows one usually available substitution per item, if no more than two words are used to modify it: “I wonder if you might have beer instead of wine” is acceptable. “Something hoppy in a locally sourced, sustainable craft lager” is not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student living with an elderly lady who loves to cook. Although I appreciate her caring enough to provide me with delicious home-cooked meals, she gives me much more food than I can manage to eat.

I have tried to politely decline her food at times, or convey to her that I have other plans for lunch or dinner, but she assumes that I will “get hungry later” and eat her food. When I don’t end up eating it, she chastises me and asks me what she will do with it now, as though it is my fault she made me food without asking me (and sometimes, despite me telling her that I have already eaten/have plans).

What is a kind way to tell her to stop interfering in my meals? I understand that it is from kindness that she is looking out for me, but she tends to buy and cook more food than the two of us can consume, and expects me to deal with it. I cannot continue eating food when I am full or have already eaten. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Develop an enthusiasm for leftovers, as in, “This looks wonderful. Thank you so much. As you know, I’ve already ordered food, but it will make a wonderful lunch tomorrow.” Miss Manners does not therefore suggest that you actually have to eat the proffered food, only that, having failed to persuade her not to prepare it, you need a way to get out of her line of sight before disposing of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that when attending a funeral, one should wear black. However, when paying my respects, I’ve noticed that family members often are not in black, and some are dressed quite casually.

My wearing black then seems (to me) to give the appearance that I’m closer to the deceased than is the case. I’ve begun wearing a dark (not-black) color such as brown, gray or purple, and leaving black to the family members.

What are your thoughts? Should I wear black, or continue with a dark color?

GENTLE READER: Your intention, Miss Manners believes, is good: to honor the dead by considering the feelings of those closer to them than yourself.

But making up your own manners is not the way to do this. You do not know why the principal mourners are more casually dressed; perhaps they are so distraught they simply did not notice. By wearing black yourself, you demonstrate respect for the dead, and you reaffirm the existence of a wider social contract.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple has two last names: Joe Smith married Mary Jones. Mary kept her maiden name, and has used it for all social and business matters for 40 years.

How to style her name in an obit? The couple are survivors of Joe Smith’s mother.

GENTLE READER: Neither marriage nor death justifies quibbling about a lady’s choice of surname. Ms. Jones may be identified as the daughter-in-law of the late Ms. Smith -- or whatever that lady’s name was in life; Miss Manners does not want to presume.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)