life

Stop Apologizing for Non-infraction

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 13th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was at work, a co-worker berated me loudly over an incident in our parking lot.

The lot is overcrowded, and it is quite difficult to find a spot. I had found an available space, and pulled into the (empty) oncoming lane to get a better angle into it. Then my co-worker’s car came around the corner heading in my direction. I quickly abandoned the space, and pulled back into my lane.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it, as it was not really a close call. However, in front of my co-workers, he came up and told me I nearly hit him, and kept repeating this over and over. Of course, everyone else came over to gawk at the situation. I apologized repeatedly and explained that I was just trying to park. I didn’t even mention that he was driving quite fast for a parking lot.

This situation was extremely embarrassing for me, as I am a very sensitive individual and tend to agonize over every mistake I make. I am so embarrassed that I don’t even want to go back into the office. Fortunately, he will be out of the office for the next few days, and we don’t sit near each other, but how do I handle this the next time I see him? Should I apologize again?

GENTLE READER: Parking your car was not a mistake. Careening around the corner at a high speed, yelling at you, and doing so in front of your co-workers were three, of escalating seriousness.

You may therefore be surprised when Miss Manners applauds your initial apology: It was worth trying to defuse the situation, and it would have provided an opportunity to add, “I was pulling into the space and it sounds like you came around the corner without seeing me.”

This would have alerted everyone in the office to what really happened -- something they may already surmise, given your co-worker’s subsequent behavior. One apology for a non-infraction is, however, more than enough: You should now adopt the frosty reserve of someone who has been insulted, but has chosen not to make a further issue of it.

life

Miss Manners for May 13, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 13th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a cousin who became engaged five years ago. Since then, he and his fiancee have had two children and are co-parents to a third child from a previous marriage. They own a house and are living as a married couple in everything but legality.

Is it proper to still refer to them as “fiances”? We see them frequently enough that they come up in conversation (i.e., “We spent the weekend with my cousin, his fiancee and their children”), and it feels awkward to specify a pending union when they are so clearly united.

GENTLE READER: Your cousin, his fiancee and their children apparently have more pressing things to do than legalize their relationship. Miss Manners suspects that you do, as well.

She therefore decrees that the whole assortment will henceforth be known as “the cousins” -- as in, “We were going to go on vacation with the cousins, but they couldn’t make up their minds where they wanted to go.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Tweak Your Go-To Response For Unwanted Visits

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 12th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As social distancing continues, my more extroverted friends are getting antsy and sending texts asking to “pop by” to drop off a homemade treat. What is the most polite way to say, “No thanks”? My old go-to was, “Oh, that is so thoughtful, but we have plans and will be out,” but that obviously won’t work anymore.

GENTLE READER: ”Oh, that is so thoughtful, but our plans now are to stay in, so we won’t be able to see you.”

life

Miss Manners for May 12, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 12th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly mother has had a stroke and multiple falls, resulting in broken bones, and is suffering from dementia. Our family wants to honor her wishes and keep her in her own home for as long as we can. This is made possible because my sister, our wonderful stepfather and myself are all actively involved in her day-to-day care. We also have the support of daily in-home help, along with regular visits from a nurse and two different therapists.

We are so grateful for this outside help: These workers are invariably kind and patient with Mom, which can be difficult, as she is stubborn and often cranky. We probably could not maintain her in-home care without them.

These outside helpers are also invariably professional -- except that they all call my mother, to her face, “darling,” “sweetheart” or “dear.” It makes me furious. In her day, Mom was a union organizer who negotiated contracts for workers all over our state. She ran political campaigns for top state elected officials, and raised three children as a single mother. To say the patronizing way they address her chafes at me is a real understatement.

I haven’t said anything to her caretakers -- yet. Part of me worries I am overreacting to a show of affection, and another part of me is sitting here stewing because I just overheard her occupational therapist call her “sweetheart.” I want to scream, “She is not your sweetheart! She is a retired professional woman, and at the end of her life, she has earned your respect! Call her Mrs. Jones!”

Please either talk me off the ceiling or give me permission to speak to her caregivers.

GENTLE READER: Please come down from the ceiling. Snapping at people never helps, and you should especially not be attacking those whose service and dedication you value.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners sympathizes with your annoyance. And you needn’t cite your mother’s resume to justify her being addressed in the manner that she has always considered dignified. You need merely say that she is used to that form of address, and prefers it. “You know, it is the old-fashioned way,” you can confide charmingly. You should slip this in with appreciation, on behalf of the family, for their care.

The correction won’t always hold, of course. The habit of expressing concern with those endearments is strong, and few people now understand the importance of dignity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Bible Study Includes Unwanted Political Jokes

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 11th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I voted Republican in the 2016 presidential election. When did it become socially acceptable to blurt out unsolicited political jokes or remarks? If I did not ask to hear your opinion, I simply don’t want to hear it. This is a very basic social skill that millennials have chosen to abandon.

I have been in a Bible study at my church for about a year and a half now, and everyone in my group is a young adult. I’m not going to try to dictate what people want to talk about before or after the group discussion. If two or three people want to talk about politics during this time, I can join another conversation.

However, when the leader is talking during the group discussion, and 10 to 15 people are forced to listen to this person, it is simply impossible to disengage or start another conversation with someone else.

The leader might say something like, “As Christians, we don’t pray in the name of Godzilla or Donald Trump.” Some people find unsolicited political jokes like this funny, while others do not.

We are a Bible study, not a political organization. I fail to see how comments like this are necessary or even relevant. They are simply rude, inconsiderate and inappropriate. At least 55% of the people in the Bible study are Trump supporters or don’t strongly dislike him; the remaining 45% can’t stand him.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I understand that people aren’t perfect, and I’m willing to tolerate an occasional annoying comment. Every human probably has at least one personal characteristic that others find annoying.

However, if the leaders keep saying comments like this, I think it might be time for me to leave this group. I think ghosting is cowardly, but I’m tired of explaining how people should act. I no longer have patience for adults who refuse to act appropriately for their age, whether it’s people I date or just friends in general. What is your take on this?

GENTLE READER: That you have a good subject for Bible study. There is a great deal in there about how to treat other people.

Miss Manners suggests you begin setting an example by refraining from criticizing your leader directly -- or condemning entire generations -- but instead talking about the temptation, in these politically volatile times, to jeer -- or worse -- at those with whom we disagree. It might be interesting to the group to examine the virtues and discuss the difficulties of practicing compassion and kindness.

If the response includes cracks about any faction or person, then yes: Find another group.

life

Miss Manners for May 11, 2020

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | May 11th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Social distancing due to COVID-19 is leading me to consider using restaurant delivery services for the first time. I am not sure what to tip, though.

Where I live, restaurant servers get minimum wage, so the normal server tip here is 15%. Should I tip that much to the delivery driver, or is it normally a flat fee sort of tip?

GENTLE READER: “Normally” does not apply right now. The driver is taking a risk in order to minimize your risk; Miss Manners asks you to give whatever you can.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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