DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was surprised by my daughter-in-law’s method of declining an invitation to a family function.

I had sent a text explaining that two of the previously invited relatives would not be there due to illness, but that we had plenty of food to consume. I received a text from my daughter-in-law stating that my granddaughter was “still stuffy, and I would rather stay home where it is warm and comfy and put less mileage on my car.”

The daughter-in-law has developed a car infatuation, and I was hurt by the idea that she would put the car over family, as well as the implication that my house is not “warm and comfy.” I think I should also explain that I jump in the car and drive that distance to babysit my wonderful granddaughter at least once a week.

Am I being too sensitive, or was the text unnecessarily rude? We have always had a good relationship.

GENTLE READER: Texting is so wonderfully efficient because it strips away both formality and context, sometimes to a ludicrous degree.

Suggesting your daughter-in-law come over because someone has to eat all that roast beef, for example, might not have been the most gracious invitation of all time. Or it might have been understood as lighthearted, in-family banter.

Whichever is the case, Miss Manners would assume that your daughter-in-law was answering in kind, and perhaps should not be taken entirely literally. A more important question is: At what point was the refusal made? Refusing an invitation is not rude, but canceling after having accepted is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I held a two-day yard sale, one gentleman bought several things the first day and told me that he would be back the next day to negotiate the price of an additional item. He did not say what time he would return.

I gave him my business card, but he did not contact me. About two hours into the sale the next day, another gentleman made an offer on the object, which I accepted.

An hour after that, the first gentleman returned and was upset that it was no longer available. He still purchased a couple more things, and I threw in a few small items for free.

Was I wrong not to hold the object until the first gentleman returned? What are the rules of etiquette for such situations?

GENTLE READER: Those who are untroubled by ambiguity may reasonably assert that as the first gentleman did not explicitly ask you to hold the item, there was no obligation for you to do so. (His assertion that he would return to negotiate was not a promise to buy; said negotiation might not have been consummated by a sale.)

Miss Manners understands that there was confusion all around. Your solution -- selling to the second buyer, but also apologizing to, and partially compensating, the first buyer -- is both defensible and polite. You could, alternatively, have explained the situation to the second person and taken his information as a hedge against gentleman No. 1’s non-reappearance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother, sister and I find ourselves in disagreement. I hope you can help.

My mother and sister claim that one can wear white shoes from Easter until Labor Day. I agree with them on Labor Day signifying the end of white shoe season, but I thought one should not wear white shoes until Memorial Day.

Please advise us on when we can properly be seen in our white sandals. We are all devoted readers, and one word from you will settle the matter.

GENTLE READER: If only.

No rule enrages Miss Manners’ Gentle Readers as much as the ban against wearing white shoes (unless you are a baby, a bride, or playing tennis) between Memorial Day (not Easter) and Labor Day. In tones of high indignation, they carry on about weather conditions and wardrobe demands. Fashion leaders love to cheer on rule-breakers -- as if anyone actually learned any rules before breaking them.

Then they move on to attack etiquette itself. Such a rule is arbitrary, they point out. Of course it’s arbitrary. So is whether you drive on the right or left side of the road, but you should do what is expected.

To do away with rules would disappoint both people who enjoy order and respect ritual and the rule-breakers. Additionally, for many who have lived where there is little change in temperature all year, it is comforting to mark the change of seasons anyway.

The advantage of the white shoe rule is that hardly anyone notices any disobedience. But thank you for maintaining it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At Easter, my family enjoys dyeing eggs. Since I had my daughter, I step back and let her have all the fun of dyeing while I watch.

When we gather at my parents’ house, my dad sets up the egg-dye cups and brings them to the table. There are generally 18 or 20 cups. My (36-year-old) sister then proceeds to place eggs into at least 15 of them, generally leaving my child with yellow and orange, and that’s all.

She then proceeds to tell my 8-year-old that she is being rude because she wants to dye a purple egg. She orders her to wait, telling her it’s not nice to want to use all the dye for herself, and then says she’s sick of hearing the child complain.

My dad is a great sport about it, having made another batch of dye for my daughter. But is it appropriate for an adult to tell a child that they need to be faster to get eggs into the dye?

GENTLE READER: While children should have precedence at such holiday play, someone should tell your sister that acting childish doesn’t count. Miss Manners nominates your father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I innocently say to my husband, “You’ll have to show me how to do something tomorrow,” he gets upset and answers, “I don’t HAVE to do anything.” He feels I am demanding he do something. What is your take on this?

GENTLE READER: That you should learn to say “please.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t know how to deal with the rude comments I occasionally get from restaurant waitstaff about how I eat -- specifically when I eat quickly, or eat everything on my plate.

I’m not overweight, and I’m male, so they may feel it’s OK to tease me when they probably wouldn’t do so with an overweight customer or a woman (as I’ve always been taught that it’s the height of rudeness to comment even obliquely about a woman’s weight).

So given my appearance, coupled with the “We’re all friends here” attitude you get in most restaurants, it feels like servers consider me fair game for this ostensibly innocent joshing.

But to me, it feels like they’re saying I eat like a pig, which I find both embarrassing and infuriating. Just this morning, when a server came to clear my table at breakfast, she paused to look at my plate and said approvingly, “Very good!” as if I were a child. I’ve also gotten, “You must have been hungry,” and “Wow, that was fast!”

For the record, yes, I do tend to eat fast, and yes, I do tend to eat everything on my plate. But that’s not the server’s business, and it’s certainly not appropriate for them to comment on how I eat the food I’m paying for. But I never know how to respond to these comments in a dignified way that also lets them know that their comment is inappropriate and hurtful.

GENTLE READER: You’re not all friends there. They are paid to wait on you, not to critique your eating habits. But yes, Miss Manners knows that the boundaries are often violated.

The tactful way to counter intrusive teasing is to take it seriously. “I’m sorry -- am I going too fast for you?” and “Good? Yes, the food was good. May I have the check, please?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting an Easter event, and my boyfriend and I have an etiquette conflict. I want to include gift bags with handwritten “thank you for attending” notes, but he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

Allow me to expand: We host an annual Easter celebration. The duration of the party is from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. Guests are instructed to bring a side dish, and we provide the main entree. Our activities, besides the food, include an egg hunt (for children and adults), an egg race (for children only) and egg decorating (also for children).

GENTLE READER: It is not Miss Manners’ job to discourage the writing of letters of thanks. Considering how often she has to chastise people for not doing so, it makes her dizzy.

But the gentleman is right that there is something not quite right about hosts writing to thank their guests for attending. It is fine for them to do so as the guests leave. But the next day is the time to reflect on what a great party the hosts threw, and the hosts themselves can hardly do that.

If the hosts beat them to expressing gratitude, it seems like prompting. And for occasions associated with presents -- for which the hosts should certainly express thanks -- it will seem like dunning.

Besides, although you are organizing this event, you and he are not the sole hosts. Requesting food donations means it is a cooperative party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)