life

Are Dinner Parties Dead?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 30th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Though our family was not wealthy, I inherited Mom’s china, silver, crystal and linens, and I love using them. They remind me of her, and it’s fun to set the table and cook a big meal.

Our street has many couples of our age and era, and dinners seemed like a good way to get to know our new neighbors. We’ve had many neighbors over for dinners, but none have reciprocated, except one who included us in a big neighborhood potluck.

Do people no longer use their dining rooms? Is their mothers’ china only for Thanksgiving and Christmas? Are sit-down dinners out of fashion, and backyard potlucks with football on TV all that’s acceptable?

Did we offend? We have also asked couples over for casual drinks and snacks in the garden. They come, but don’t invite us in return.

We have no children, and I’m beginning to wonder if our family china will end up in a landfill, no longer valued by any generation. Mom must be turning in her grave.

GENTLE READER: Yes, the cruel truth is that the private dinner party, that most delightful of social forms, is moribund.

So is the entire ancient peacekeeping practice of breaking bread together. Nightly family dinners, Sunday dinners with the older generation, dinner parties, informal suppers with friends -- all are in decline.

Miss Manners is asking you, and others who appreciate the form, to preserve it, like medieval monks copying manuscripts. And that means not only inviting your unresponsive neighbors, but younger generations, when their children and grandchildren are visiting.

It is true that there are still holiday dinners with extended family and friends, although perhaps the rarity contributes to the contentiousness of which many complain. People who are not used to convivial gatherings may see these as opportunities to unleash saved-up criticisms and complaints, not to mention contempt for others’ political opinions.

Other social event forms are lavish weddings, self-generated birthday parties, cooperative group meetings, and professionally organized fundraisers. These have added to the confusion at the few remaining private meals by making it seem mandatory for the guests to bring presents and food.

And people increasingly entertain or meet in restaurants, creating the problem of which is which: Is the person initiating it a host, who should pay the bill? Or suggesting a non-host agreement to dine together, in which case everyone should have a say about the choice of restaurant? Even then, a joint bill creates the problem of whether it is to be split evenly or divided by what individuals ordered. (Hint: Ask for separate checks. It is less annoying to the server than having to wait while everyone haggles.)

There are valid reasons that have made private home entertaining more difficult. Not only are most adults likely to be in the workforce, curtailing the time to prepare such an event, but work now makes more demands -- for longer hours, after-hours messaging and pseudo-socializing. Children, too, are likely to have scheduled after-school activities.

Then there is the menu problem. There can be serious reasons -- medical, religious, ethical -- for avoiding certain foods. That’s in addition to plain old food fussers, whom these reasons seem to have emboldened.

Miss Manners urges you to carry on despite these difficulties. Those who have never experienced the conviviality of small gatherings where people can exchange ideas in a spirit of good humor -- whether or not they have the china and silver -- don’t know what they are missing.

life

Miss Manners for September 30, 2019

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 30th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to eat plain raisins?

GENTLE READER: By hand. Unless they are in a pudding, which would be kind of messy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Snooze-Button Habit Frustrates Spouse

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are new parents to a 1-month-old. He does the midnight feeding, while I take on any baby needs after that point.

After the 6 a.m. feed, I often try to go back to bed to get more sleep, as I am exhausted from being up throughout the night. It takes me awhile to get back to sleep.

An hour later, my husband insists on pressing the snooze button until he decides to get up for work. This leaves me unable to sleep and frustrated to the point of tears, as I know the baby will be up again soon. He insists that he should be able to press snooze at least once a morning.

I am an exhausted new mom recovering from surgery, and feel that giving me an hour of sleep is the least he could do. Who is correct?

GENTLE READER: Do you really have any doubt?

You may suggest, with Miss Manners’ blessing, that if that if your husband would like to switch with you and take the 6 a.m. feeding, then he could conveniently stay up for work and not have to push the “snooze” button at all. You may further add that you would be happy to experiment with his rule to make sure that you, in turn, properly wake up in the middle of the night when it is your turn.

life

Miss Manners for September 28, 2019

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help settle a disagreement between my boyfriend and me. When you get a free water cup for the soda machine at a restaurant, are you allowed to get the bubbly water under the soda tab, or just the plain water? I always get the bubbly soda water, and he accuses me of stealing. Am I doing something wrong, or is he uptight?

GENTLE READER: Both? It is not generally good form to ask for water and then use the cup for soda instead. That, Miss Manners supposes, is why the water cup is flimsier. The punishment then becomes self-inflicted.

However, as long as it does not become a habit, she -- and likely the establishment that is already on to you -- will turn the occasional blind eye to a splash of soda in your otherwise plain water.

life

Miss Manners for September 28, 2019

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 28th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who works for me; she is also a Realtor. My husband and I will be putting our home up for sale in about six months and moving to another state.

Neither of us likes using friends in a business deal. Plus, she has only sold one home so far (her own).

I feel bad, but what can I say to her when the time comes to put our home up for sale, and we choose someone with more experience?

GENTLE READER: The relevant information here is that she is a friend, not that she is bad at her job. It is not an uncommon practice to separate business relationships from friendships -- in the interest of keeping both. Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with politely telling your friend this when the time comes -- and tolerantly accepting advice when she inevitably feels compelled to give it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Bride Twists Minister’s Words

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a member of the clergy and instructor of moral theology, I’ve condemned the practice of demanding or expecting (often exorbitant) gifts from others. I’ve said that weddings are not opportunities for those getting married to guilt or berate family and friends out of cash or expensive items.

These comments have been made publicly in general terms, never about a specific individual, and usually as a result of being asked a question. But in a private conversation, one person who was preparing to be married referenced some of my comments, saying that I must “hate” her because she’d requested cash-only gifts at her wedding.

I said, “Of course, I don’t hate you. I wish you hadn’t done that, because your wedding shouldn’t be about money, but I understand how hard it is to resist temptation.” I thought I was being tactful, kind and polite.

A few days later, her fiance told me that she’d told her family that I had “changed my mind” and said that “asking for cash was OK.” He was upset because she was using what I’d said as “a hammer to force his aunts and uncles into giving (them) money.”

Shaking my head, I said that he had my blessing to tell his relatives that she misunderstood my comments, and that they should feel free to give or not give according to their own consciences.

I’m curious as to what Miss Manners thinks, and what she would have done in a similar situation. I wanted to be polite and supportive, but I fear I became an unwitting cudgel for matrimonial extortion. I’ve considered withdrawing from performing the ceremony, but that would upset many people, including the couple being married.

Does Miss Manners have any recommendations for me? What would you advise the husband-to-be in this case to do about the situation?

GENTLE READER: That he immediately get a firm grip on all wedding-related correspondence. And Miss Manners recommends that if premarital counseling is not already included in the church’s wedding package, you quickly add it.

This bride’s manipulation and distortion of the truth -- in the name of a clergy member, no less -- is shameless and not likely to end with the wedding.

Who better than a member of the church to preach the importance of honesty, honor and humility? You would be doing this couple, their guests and the institution of marriage a tremendous service.

life

Miss Manners for September 27, 2019

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In today’s age, what are the options for signing a birthday card to our future daughter-in-law???

GENTLE READER: What does she call you???

Is the real question whether or not you have to sign the card “Mom and Dad”? Especially if that is not an honor that you have previously bestowed?

If you would rather delay that decision or not invoke it at all, Miss Manners assures you that it is also fine to sign your names. She just suggests that you do not taunt the lady by putting the monikers in quotation marks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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