DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many months ago, my husband and I purchased tickets to a popular Broadway musical that was on tour in our city, and we were looking forward to the production. We arrived early and were in our seats before the rest of our row.

A very large man took the seat next to my husband. The seats in this venue are not generously wide, and as he sat down, the man cheerfully said to my husband, “I hope you don’t mind if I am touching you.” Then, before my husband could reply, the man laughed and said, “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter if you mind or not!” My husband just smiled politely.

The man kept one arm on the armrest he shared with my husband and the other arm on the armrest he shared with his wife. Throughout the first act, he talked to his wife. It was so disruptive and physically uncomfortable that my husband and I left at intermission.

What, if anything, would have been the proper response to this man? I am empathetic that the seat must have been uncomfortable for him as well. But it seemed impolite that he should laugh that his problem now became my husband’s.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette addresses behavior, not states of being. Miss Manners is afraid that this man’s attempt to make light of his inability to change his size -- after a lifetime of people rudely suggesting otherwise -- was his idea of a pleasantry. By leaving after intermission -- while your prerogative -- you likely reinforced that thinking.

The main infraction here was his incessant talking during the performance. If a tap and a look didn’t work during the show, at least some of your comfort could have been remedied and addressed during the intermission by your saying, “I wonder if you wouldn’t mind limiting your conversation during the performance. We had trouble hearing.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and his wife invited me out to dinner last night with another lady. When the lady seated next to me rose two or three times during the meal, I stood up, as I was taught, but my host did not.

Was I right to do this? It is not my place to teach other people etiquette, and I also did not want to embarrass my host or put him ill at ease. Perhaps I should do this only when I am the host.

GENTLE READER: While manners dictate that one does not directly point out the lapses of others, they certainly never discourage leading through example. You are perfectly correct to stand when a lady leaves the table -- and since you are her dinner partner, it is reasonable to have that duty fall to you rather than the host of the evening.

Miss Manners will only add the caveat that if the lady is leaving two or three times during dinner, your frequent bobbing up and down, while technically correct, may start to feel excessive -- and draw undue attention to your partner’s continual need to be somewhere else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had two friends over for lunch, and as I was in the kitchen gathering up the food, they seated themselves at the dining room table (not where I would have put them). I brought in their two salads.

When I returned from the kitchen with my salad and the bread, they where already chowing down. I went back to grab the entrees and again, before I could return with mine, they were plowing through their pasta. And ditto for dessert.

As I was eating my dessert, they got up and took their plates to the kitchen. When they came back to the dining room, they pushed in their chairs and started to leave. I was still eating. I asked, “Are you leaving?” They replied that they needed to return to work.

What the heck? I was at a loss to say anything. I didn’t want to embarrass them, but I thought their manners were really out of line. What could I have done to slow them down in a gracious manner?

GENTLE READER: Not invited them on a workday. Miss Manners hardly excuses the rude behavior of your friends, but clearly they were in a rush. If the timing could not be helped, setting the table beforehand, waiting until all three plates were ready (and then asking for help in bringing them in) or even bringing the serving dish to the table might help.

But if they are used to restaurant service and making quick deadlines, perhaps next time you should suggest fast food instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple of years ago, one of my nephews graduated. At the time, he was having some social problems and was extremely rude to everyone in the family, including me when I took him to lunch one day.

I did not at that time feel like giving him gifts. So I did not, and minimized my contact in hope that time would help him adjust.

Fast forward to now, and his younger brother has graduated. I feel in a quandary. The older brother has learned to be more polite, and although he has never apologized for his personal rudeness to me, I don’t generally like to hold on to unpleasantness. I would like to give each of them a gift, but feel it has become awkward to do so with the older one.

I don’t generally give birthday gifts, as we are not that close, and I don’t want to start. I could give no gifts, but that seems a little sad. If I gave them both gifts, the older might ask me “why now?” and the last thing I want to do is dig it up again.

GENTLE READER: Do not invite trouble by, as you say, reminding the boy of his past transgressions, or pull focus from the current celebrant.

Presents are not meant to be rewards based on good behavior, or withheld for bad -- although Miss Manners makes an exception for the latter if there is consistent neglect of thank-you letters. Presumably your older nephew will have another occasion at some point. You could then give him a present and, more importantly, reinstate the relationship on more positive terms.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is suspected of having narcissistic personality disorder -- one of the worst cases many have seen. Throughout my life, I was subject to verbal and physical abuse, as well as unreasonable demands to allow her control over my life, and further abuse if I deviated from whatever nonsense she dictated -- well into adulthood.

In my 30s, I began distancing myself from her, and her behavior became increasingly deranged. She began lying about me to friends and family, accusing me of suffering from mental illnesses I certainly don’t have.

As a result, in my 40s, I cut her out of my life completely and stopped responding to calls or emails. She then cut me out of her significant will, yet continued sending emails and leaving voicemails abusing me, and accusing me of shirking my duties toward her as she aged and grew ill.

She is now expected to die within three years due to numerous chronic diseases. When she dies, frankly, I will be relieved and grateful that I will no longer be subject to her sharp abuses that still leave me feeling like a vulnerable child. I will not mourn her, nor am I willing to lie and talk about how wonderful she was, when clearly she was anything but wonderful to me.

Do I have to attend her funeral? What should I say to those who offer condolences? Am I obligated to appear as a loving daughter after she dies?

GENTLE READER: You no doubt have a plethora of people, degreed or otherwise, ready to give you advice on why and how to make up with your mother before she dies. Miss Manners can instead answer the question you asked, namely how to behave after she is gone, assuming that no deathbed resolution occurred.

We do not speak ill of the dead because our sense of fair play demands that the subject of any accusation has a chance to defend herself, and this will clearly no longer be possible. But speaking ill and thinking ill of the dead are not the same. And one can refrain from saying harsh things without pretending everything was wonderful.

If things were so bad when she was alive that you had to cut off all relations, then etiquette makes no demand that you attend the funeral. If, however, you do attend -- or if people express their condolences to you -- the proper response is dignified and short: a serious “thank you,” without elaboration.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a man and woman who are building a house but aren’t married to have a housewarming?

GENTLE READER: We are not, Miss Manners presumes, talking about a widowed, elderly brother and sister who have decided to retire together. Your question really is: Does etiquette condemn couples who cohabitate without being married?

In fact, etiquette does not care, this being a question of morals, not manners. Anyone who objects to the arrangement is free to decline the invitation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)