GENTLE READERS: Being true to oneself is a poor excuse for being rude to others.

Miss Manners is aware that it is often easier or more convenient to be rude than to be polite, and that many honest, natural impulses are rude. But she does not accept that as justification for the behavior.

Take the childish impulse not to dress up. The same little girl who pleaded to wear her princess dress to school now demands to wear jeans to her aunt’s wedding. And her brother says his pants are too itchy; he wants to wear his superhero tights.

At least they don’t try to pass off their whims as based on principle.

Grown-ups do. Father’s tie, which was in the closet minding its own business, is accused of trying to choke him. It is no doubt in league with mamma’s shoes. Rather than dress up themselves, the grown-ups -- who know they cannot attend the wedding in their pajamas -- dress up their behavior. What was a minor discomfort becomes a betrayal of truth.

Such sleights of hand extend not merely to dressing for the event, but even to attending: “I’m not a funeral person” is presented without embarrassment -- as if we might not notice that even dying no longer gets you noticed by your friends.

As a species, humanity is all too happy to put its own comfort first. Manners exist to avoid the inevitable consequences, namely that being oneself too often involves ignoring others.

Proper attire for funerals shows respect for the dead and the living, and lack of it, by extension, shows disrespect.

What, then, of condolence letters, particularly those at one’s place of employment?

There are two reasons to write a letter to co-workers who have lost loved ones: because the bereaved are friends or because they are employees. The two are not mutually exclusive. Achilles was Patroclus’ supervisor on the job, but they also spent a good deal of time together outside of work hours. Good friends write friends condolence letters (mere acquaintances do not expect such notice). But attending the funeral is not an excuse not to write.

This leaves the letter penned by the boss to the employee. It will do you no good to quote Miss Manners that business and personal life are separate -- implying that it is improper to insert yourself into the most personal of moments, the loss of a loved one.

Nor does she wish to hear of your own discomfort with the task. You can be true to the part of yourself that cares about others.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received a few invitations to retirement parties that have come with rather a hefty price tag ($150 per couple). This entrance fee is used to pay for catering, photographer, decorations, venue, etc. When I have questioned this practice of having other people pay for someone’s party, I was told that it was OK because technically, the retiree isn’t throwing the party -- a friend is.

I don’t believe it is ever OK to throw yourself, or anyone else, a party and then expect others to pay for it. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Unlike the legal system, etiquette does not write its rules into precisely worded statutes that can be pored over by lawyers, judges, and people who are less clever than they believe and have more free time than is good for them. This means that there are fewer technicalities in the etiquette business: Having no letter of its laws leaves etiquette free to concentrate on the spirit. (It also saves the cost of employing lawyers, judges and jailers.)

But whoever told you the rule cited above got it wrong. There are two rules in play: The first is that one does not properly throw a party to honor oneself; the second, that hosts do not properly charge guests for their hospitality. Miss Manners is willing to accept technicalities as honoring the first (a husband throwing a party for a wife’s retirement, for example), but the violation of the second is clear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m 55. When I was about 12, sitting in the parlor of my grandmother’s Victorian home, she told me that respectable people do not sit in their cars, honking their horns, as a way of calling the neighbors out of their houses. Instead, they shut off the engine, walk to the front door and ring the doorbell.

Assuming that there is plenty of on-street parking and the person who has come calling on the neighbor has two functioning legs, is my grandmother’s rule still generally accepted as correct?

GENTLE READER: Generally, although the nature of the trip and the relationship of driver and rider are also relevant. A 55-year-old driving a 12-year-old to school as part of an ongoing carpool can be excused for keeping her seat, as can a driver picking up a near relation who is looking out the window.

Miss Manners does note one important change: The advent of cellphones allows the driver to avoid honking, which was never, strictly speaking, polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When determining dating anniversaries, is it more appropriate to count from the first date or from when the couple decided to “go steady”? Or is it a matter of personal preference?

GENTLE READER: So long as such anniversaries are not inflicted on -- Miss Manners meant to say “shared with” -- others, etiquette leaves you to enjoy whatever festivities you please in private, whether they date from your first date, your first kiss -- or any other memorable events about which she does not wish to hear more.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to a fire at their house, my aunt, uncle and cousin will be staying with us for several months. They have been here two weeks already. There is only one serious problem.

While I know that it is always rude to ignore people, and that one generally does not read at the table, I was always told that breakfast was the exception. I bring in the morning paper every day, separate the sections, and place it at the side of the kitchen table for people to read.

My aunt has informed me that it is rude to read at the table. I don’t ignore her, or hide behind the paper. I fold it neatly and place it next to my plate. I tried not reading the paper for a few days, but their breakfast sounds consisted of slurping, crunching and discussions of their medications. I tried conversing, but received only one-word answers.

I finally returned to my paper. Now, we do have breakfast conversation -- of my aunt sotto voce asking my cousin and uncle if they have ever seen anything as rude as someone reading at the table.

Am I wrong here? With three extra people to cook and clean for, it is the only time I get to read the paper. After breakfast they gather up the paper, take it to the family room and remain until suppertime. The paper is read, wrinkled, clipped and circled by afternoon, and unsuitable for reading even if I wanted to.

I wonder, first, if I am incorrect that one may read the paper at the breakfast table. If I am incorrect, I will stop. If not, do you have any suggestions for dealing with my aunt?

GENTLE READER: As your aunt considers herself an authority on etiquette, what does she have to say about houseguests who criticize and insult their hostess? And why would you even take such pronouncements seriously?

Yes, newspapers are read at family breakfasts. Miss Manners lives in dread of the time when there may be no such artifacts and she will be left staring at her eggcup, and perhaps at people who are staring at their devices.

You do not, of course, want to say to your relatives, “Look: This is my house, and I took you in, but you have no business sabotaging my routine.” The polite way to put it is, “I’m sorry that you’re not happy with the way I do things, but I hope you’ll be able to bring yourself to put up with me until you are able to make other arrangements.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I see people giving congratulatory toasts to people -- wedding couples, winning contestants, etc. -- and I always see the toastees joining in by drinking along with the toasters. Is this proper, to drink to themselves? Doesn’t seem correct to me.

GENTLE READER: It isn’t. But either raising their glasses when everyone else does is irresistible, or they don’t know how to assume the modest smiling look that such a gesture requires. Miss Manners promises that they can drink as soon as the others put their glasses down. They can even follow the toast by saying, “And to all our dear friends,” which would require everyone else to restrain themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)