DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my husband’s request, I agreed to ask friends to make a contribution, in his name, to a drama scholarship fund. Due to the amount raised in his name, he was given the opportunity to act in a short one-act play, written by a well-known playwright and starring a well-known actor, in our city.

I’ve told him he should send thank-you notes (or emails) to each of the friends who contributed. He answered that saying “thank you” to them personally was enough. I know a note would be appreciated, so I ended up writing emails myself. Do you think he should send thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER: He’ll get back to these people, you may be sure. Just wait until the show he is in is scheduled, and he goes after his benefactors to buy tickets.

Some may feel that he treated their contributions in an offhand manner. But even if not, Miss Manners would think that your husband would relish the opportunity to stoke their enthusiasm with a letter of gratitude for what he may describe as an exciting play.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we invited our neighbors over for a cookout, one neighbor took an ear of corn and spun it around on top of a stick of butter that was in the butter dish on the table. I have never seen anything like this in my life.

Even my kids were shocked. Although it looks to be very efficient, this cannot be acceptable etiquette, can it?

GENTLE READER: To mess around in communal dishes? No. Your children are right to be shocked. Miss Manners joins their “Ewwww!”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Has the wedding invitation to a single person with the heading “and guest” completely gone by the wayside? This used to be included on the wedding invitations I received; I notice in the recent past it has not.

I understand bridal couples are trying to save, but this seems to be at the expense of the guest’s comfort. As a widow, of course I go to social occasions alone when I have to, but it’s much more fun if I can bring someone.

I feel like it’s just another punishment for not being part of a (married) couple. I’m alone, but not dead.

GENTLE READER: And just a wee bit defensive?

It was never an etiquette-sanctioned custom to deputize wedding guests to invite their own guests. “And guest” is an inherently rude phrase, as it means that no attempt has been made to find out the person’s name.

Married and engaged partners were always included, but perhaps, as society began to recognize stable couples who were neither, hosts gave up trying to figure out who qualified. Or perhaps they yielded to pressure from people like you, who viewed weddings as opportunities for fun that would not be provided by socializing with the couple’s friends and relatives.

It is not about punishing you. Nor is it necessarily about money. It may be about not wanting strangers at such a personal occasion.

Miss Manners urges you to regard your friends’ weddings as opportunities to meet the people they care about. Before “and guest” existed, weddings were famous for putting eligible people together and thus promoting more weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is common in my social and workplace circles to gift bottles of wine -- for hosting dinners, for celebrating birthdays, and for conveying thanks or congratulations.

My fiance does not drink at all, and I barely ever do -- a cocktail now and then, but I just don’t have a taste for wine. None of these friends and colleagues have ever seen me drinking wine. I don’t make a show out of it, but I am not secretive, either; when asked, I’ll say I just don’t really like wine, and in fact don’t drink much at all. I even have a cute line that seems to be a hit: “I prefer to eat my calories instead of drink them. Now please pass the cake!”

When I receive a gifted bottle of wine, I of course thank the giver, then set it aside to discreetly regift to someone who will actually enjoy it. I know this is what I must do forever and always, and I also know the giver is simply following convention and trying to be thoughtful (even though they’re actually being a little thoughtless).

But does Miss Manners have any suggestions for ways I can prevent this gift-mismatch? These are not situations where it is appropriate to even expect a gift, so it’s not like I can send around a wish list or registry (and I know Miss Manners doesn’t like that, anyway). How can I get it into my friends’ and co-workers’ heads that I don’t like wine?

GENTLE READER: Instead of that remark about cake, you could say that you prefer your calories in chocolates. However, people seem to have forgotten that candy and flowers are� equally conventional presents, and bottles of wine have come to be used as automatic admission tickets to social events. In Europe, this is considered insulting, as if the guest didn’t expect the host to provide a drinkable wine.

But as you point out, the intent is benign, and no real thinking is done. So you probably will have to keep passing those bottles on, like the proverbial Christmas fruitcake, hoping that they will eventually find appreciative throats.

Miss Manners shares your dislike of the custom, although not of wine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a bridal shower for my daughter’s friend, given by her mother. The couple is having a small destination wedding, to which we are not invited. The invitation asks for “gift cards only.”

I know there are several things that are rude in this situation, but my problem is about responding to rudeness with rudeness.

I feel that it would be a personal snub to the bride to skip the event just because it’s tacky. I’m sure that if I told my friends I was not attending for those reasons, they would look at me like I was the rude one.

GENTLE READER: And you would be. Why would you want to be rude, when you find rudeness offensive?

Miss Manners does not require you to attend this shakedown -- oops, shower. You need only decline politely. It is not necessary for you to supply any reasons: just “I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to attend,” along with your best wishes to the bride. But it is necessary to restrain yourself from broadcasting the real reason to anyone else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should men be invited to a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Do they know the baby? Miss Manners is confused by the notion that the celebration of new life is considered a female activity, disregarding the essential involvement of the other half of the population.

But then, she also thinks that eating melted chocolate from a diaper hardly counts as entertainment. Therefore, she is happy to spare anyone, for whatever reason, from such a fate, if that is what is ... ahem ... on the menu.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a family, a step-family, and a birth family, and everyone has been invited to my wedding. There is a group of relatives who aren’t on speaking terms, and both sides of the argument (which does not involve me, and which I try to stay 100% out of) have asked me not to seat them near each other. To which I replied that I prefer a relaxed environment, and that there will not be assigned seating.

The biggest problem is the rehearsal dinner. I was just informed by my fiance’s mother that she decided to host one (it was up in the air for a bit), and that she is inviting her out-of-town relatives (mostly my fiance’s aunts and uncles) and her friends. Now I need to decide who I will invite, and I’m not sure what etiquette dictates.

My fiance’s mother has stated that she wants it to be a smaller affair. If I invited the out-of-town family, I would be inviting about half the people coming to the wedding. Even just sticking to siblings, aunts and uncles, I would have about triple the people she’s inviting.

In addition, I’m worried about the feuding family members. I don’t feel like I can invite one group without the other, but with less activity to distract them, I’m worried about a big fight the day before my big day. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: Let us go back. First, Miss Manners must take issue with the notion that not assigning tables will produce a relaxed environment. Warring relatives, evilly eyeing one another as they purposefully march to opposite corners of the dining room, does not promote tranquility. There are musicals based on this kind of territorial battle -- and while similarly entertaining, they generally do not end well.

Miss Manners therefore encourages you to reconsider assigning seats. Everyone will be happier to be told what to do, rather than forced to openly display their contempt.

As for your main question, a similar principle is involved. Make rules -- and blame others for upholding theirs. If your fiance’s mother is hosting, then it is hard to quibble with her restrictions on the number of people invited. In your case, more people seem to cause more problems, anyway.

Why not invite your wedding party only? It is, after all, a rehearsal intended for them. Then focus on creating seating assignments for the reception that facilitate your ability to greet every group of relatives separately and equally -- without the fuss of having to play a very un-relaxing game of interference.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)