DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a middle school teacher, and often when I meet with parents for the first time, they will remark “You look so young,” or “You look like you could be one of the students!”

I understand they don’t mean any offense, but I am in my early 30s and do my best to wear professional clothes and makeup. My co-workers tell me I should take it as a compliment, but lately I’ve been feeling a little insulted, especially when they compare me to a middle-schooler.

I normally tell them “thank you,” but I don’t feel like my response is genuine or appropriate. How should I respond in the future?

GENTLE READER: “I can assure you that your child is fully aware that I am a grown-up, and that I am in charge here.” Miss Manners just asks you to say it with a smile.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two acquaintances who each have Ph.D. degrees from Harvard. They insist upon being addressed as “Dr.” Smith and “Dr.” Jones.

I have a Ph.D. from another school. It has always been my opinion that this is not a social title, and should only be used in professional contexts. I believe that only M.D.s should be addressed and identified as “doctor” in social settings. People may need to know that they are medical doctors. What is your knowledge of this?

GENTLE READER: A bit of knowledge that your acquaintances failed to pick up at Harvard: awareness of the reverse snobbery practiced there, and at other schools, where doctorate degrees are assumed, and therefore not broadcast. In certain professional situations, it is necessary to state that as a qualification, but the fastidious do not use it otherwise.

Miss Manners is well aware that your opinion and hers will bring on indignant responses along the lines of “I earned my Ph.D. and I’m proud of it.” She is also aware that the concept of not flashing all one’s achievements as widely as possible will baffle many people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go to a coffee shop and sit with some older ladies. I am 15 years younger. Having been a widow for three years, I have luckily now become engaged to a wonderful man.

One older lady always wants to look at the obituaries and talk about her husband, who died a year ago. When an elderly man who was widowed four years ago asked her out, she was insulted. The other older woman also talks about her dead husband. Unlike them, I am very busy. I take yoga and art classes, and do belly dancing.

I have decided to sit with another friend and my fiance at another table. Sometimes, one of the ladies tells me I am insulting her by not sitting with them.

What is a kind way to tell them that I want to sit with my fiance at another table?

GENTLE READER: Why are you making this obvious by going to the same coffee shop at the same time? You are not obliged to sit with them, but this does strike Miss Manners as provocative.

If you must, you and your fiance should exchange courtesies with them before saying, “Excuse us, we have things we must talk about.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were married nearly two years ago, and our honeymoon was a leisurely trip across the country to the beautiful area where my husband had accepted a job. I was careful to write thank-you notes promptly to everyone who was kind enough to send us a gift. Since the wedding was the first opportunity I’d had to meet many members of my husband’s extended family, I tried to express warm regards and a desire to get to know them better at the same time.

I bought beautiful stationery rather than pre-printed thank-you cards, and expressed our gratitude, as well as our hopes that, if they found themselves in our area, we would have the chance to see them again. The letters began and ended with expressions of gratitude, and I believed that it was clear that my primary purpose in writing them was to offer thanks. In my family, this would be considered the most appropriate way to respond, because of the effort and thought that goes into a handwritten note.

My husband made no protest, so I assumed, wrongly, that this would be acceptable to his family as well. A few days ago, my mother-in-law called, outraged that I had not sent a single thank-you to anyone in her family. I could certainly understand that a letter might go missing in the mail, so I asked her who did not receive their note.

She informed me that no one did -- all anybody got was “those stupid letters!”

I am embarrassed at this misunderstanding, and a bit hurt, too. Obviously, if there is ever a gift in the future, I will buy a card, as I understand that the most appropriate way to offer thanks is always the way that will most please the recipient.

Since my husband’s family was apparently offended, do I buy cards now, grovel, and try to remember who gave us money and who gave a casserole dish? And if so, how do I beg forgiveness without an undertone of, “Sorry my best efforts weren’t good enough”?

GENTLE READER: This is one for your husband to handle. Miss Manners is afraid that it would not go over well for you to say, “Ma, are you nuts? Those were letters of thanks. They specifically said how grateful we are. Would you please explain that to anyone who thinks that a form card is better?” But he should.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I wonder if putting “please” before a declarative statement carries the same weight of good manners as actually phrasing a requested action as a question. For example: “Please pass the salt,” vs. “Would you please pass the salt?”

One of us thinks that “Please pass the salt” does not give the person the option of declining, because it was not a question, and is no different than giving someone an order (which we both know is rude). The other believes that the “please” is less an order and more an implied question, and is as polite as asking it as a question. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That “please” contains an implicit “if it would please you.”

Who won?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago made me nine large paintings for a Christmas gift that year. They have no emotional meaning to me anymore, and I am wanting to “clean house” and get rid of them.

However, since they are original pieces of art, made for me as a gift, what is the proper etiquette when getting rid of them? Do I contact my ex-boyfriend and let him know that I am “downsizing,” and ask if he would like them back?

GENTLE READER: The risk of renewing a 10-year-old parting and rehashing old wounds, it seems to Miss Manners, will likely do more harm than good. Not knowing the gentleman or the nature of the relationship, however, Miss Manners recommends that you have a serious conversation about it -- with yourself -- and consider whether it will be worth it. Or if perhaps keeping a box of them in the basement for the rest of eternity will end up being the easier option.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A niece on my husband’s side is getting married, and my family (my husband, myself and our two daughters) did not get invited. My husband is understandably upset, since this is his sister’s child.

This is the second niece/nephew getting married when we were not included as guests. Most of his other siblings and families were invited, although another one was left out like us.

I don’t know what to make of this. I’m sure the invitation was not lost in the mail. Should he question his sister as to why we were not included in this family event?

GENTLE READER: If this were a friend or distant relative, Miss Manners would say no. But if all parties heretofore have behaved reasonably and there is no reason to think that you might be getting deliberately snubbed, then your husband may gently prod his sister, as long as he is assuming the best:

“The family is so excited about Hannah’s wedding, but we are afraid we have not received the invitation. Do you have any idea what might have happened?” is acceptable. “I guess you’re still angry about the time I used your doll as a toilet brush” is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, my precious 2-day-old granddaughter passed away. It has been an incomprehensible loss.

Well-meaning folks expressed condolences, and then immediately followed with “What happened?” I found it difficult to share my pain wherever I happened to be (i.e., grocery shopping).

What response to their intrusive inquisitiveness should I have given? And what is the proper etiquette for offering a comforting comment, rather than “What happened?”

GENTLE READER: “I’m so terribly sorry” is the only proper thing to say when hearing devastating news about a death. Miss Manners advises repeating this as necessary, lest the temptation to find out more details overcomes one.

Should that happen, the response, “It was a devastating loss” may also be repeated as many times as necessary until the inquirer gets the idea that no further detail is forthcoming.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)