DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were married nearly two years ago, and our honeymoon was a leisurely trip across the country to the beautiful area where my husband had accepted a job. I was careful to write thank-you notes promptly to everyone who was kind enough to send us a gift. Since the wedding was the first opportunity I’d had to meet many members of my husband’s extended family, I tried to express warm regards and a desire to get to know them better at the same time.

I bought beautiful stationery rather than pre-printed thank-you cards, and expressed our gratitude, as well as our hopes that, if they found themselves in our area, we would have the chance to see them again. The letters began and ended with expressions of gratitude, and I believed that it was clear that my primary purpose in writing them was to offer thanks. In my family, this would be considered the most appropriate way to respond, because of the effort and thought that goes into a handwritten note.

My husband made no protest, so I assumed, wrongly, that this would be acceptable to his family as well. A few days ago, my mother-in-law called, outraged that I had not sent a single thank-you to anyone in her family. I could certainly understand that a letter might go missing in the mail, so I asked her who did not receive their note.

She informed me that no one did -- all anybody got was “those stupid letters!”

I am embarrassed at this misunderstanding, and a bit hurt, too. Obviously, if there is ever a gift in the future, I will buy a card, as I understand that the most appropriate way to offer thanks is always the way that will most please the recipient.

Since my husband’s family was apparently offended, do I buy cards now, grovel, and try to remember who gave us money and who gave a casserole dish? And if so, how do I beg forgiveness without an undertone of, “Sorry my best efforts weren’t good enough”?

GENTLE READER: This is one for your husband to handle. Miss Manners is afraid that it would not go over well for you to say, “Ma, are you nuts? Those were letters of thanks. They specifically said how grateful we are. Would you please explain that to anyone who thinks that a form card is better?” But he should.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I wonder if putting “please” before a declarative statement carries the same weight of good manners as actually phrasing a requested action as a question. For example: “Please pass the salt,” vs. “Would you please pass the salt?”

One of us thinks that “Please pass the salt” does not give the person the option of declining, because it was not a question, and is no different than giving someone an order (which we both know is rude). The other believes that the “please” is less an order and more an implied question, and is as polite as asking it as a question. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That “please” contains an implicit “if it would please you.”

Who won?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago made me nine large paintings for a Christmas gift that year. They have no emotional meaning to me anymore, and I am wanting to “clean house” and get rid of them.

However, since they are original pieces of art, made for me as a gift, what is the proper etiquette when getting rid of them? Do I contact my ex-boyfriend and let him know that I am “downsizing,” and ask if he would like them back?

GENTLE READER: The risk of renewing a 10-year-old parting and rehashing old wounds, it seems to Miss Manners, will likely do more harm than good. Not knowing the gentleman or the nature of the relationship, however, Miss Manners recommends that you have a serious conversation about it -- with yourself -- and consider whether it will be worth it. Or if perhaps keeping a box of them in the basement for the rest of eternity will end up being the easier option.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A niece on my husband’s side is getting married, and my family (my husband, myself and our two daughters) did not get invited. My husband is understandably upset, since this is his sister’s child.

This is the second niece/nephew getting married when we were not included as guests. Most of his other siblings and families were invited, although another one was left out like us.

I don’t know what to make of this. I’m sure the invitation was not lost in the mail. Should he question his sister as to why we were not included in this family event?

GENTLE READER: If this were a friend or distant relative, Miss Manners would say no. But if all parties heretofore have behaved reasonably and there is no reason to think that you might be getting deliberately snubbed, then your husband may gently prod his sister, as long as he is assuming the best:

“The family is so excited about Hannah’s wedding, but we are afraid we have not received the invitation. Do you have any idea what might have happened?” is acceptable. “I guess you’re still angry about the time I used your doll as a toilet brush” is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, my precious 2-day-old granddaughter passed away. It has been an incomprehensible loss.

Well-meaning folks expressed condolences, and then immediately followed with “What happened?” I found it difficult to share my pain wherever I happened to be (i.e., grocery shopping).

What response to their intrusive inquisitiveness should I have given? And what is the proper etiquette for offering a comforting comment, rather than “What happened?”

GENTLE READER: “I’m so terribly sorry” is the only proper thing to say when hearing devastating news about a death. Miss Manners advises repeating this as necessary, lest the temptation to find out more details overcomes one.

Should that happen, the response, “It was a devastating loss” may also be repeated as many times as necessary until the inquirer gets the idea that no further detail is forthcoming.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am engaged to a wonderful man, and we are in the midst of planning our wedding. Two years ago, after we had been together for a year and a half, my fiance’s good friends got married. I knew the couple and had gotten together with them on multiple occasions, but my then-boyfriend was not given a plus-one.

Shortly after invitations went out, they emailed him to let him know that I was specifically not invited (no regrets were included). He attended the entire four-day event, which caused some problems in our relationship (which have since been worked out). It appears that almost every other guest had a plus-one, and they said that there were no budget restrictions.

Since then, the friends and my fiance have drifted apart, and I have only seen them once or twice (when they were very friendly, if not a little awkward).

I understand that a plus-one is the couple’s decision, but I am concerned about how to act in planning our own wedding. My fiance is adamant that they be invited, and I have agreed, but I don’t necessarily want them to play a big role or be seated close to us. He feels that they have been good friends for a long time, and deserve the appropriate respect.

What is the etiquette protocol here? Our wedding is on the larger side.

GENTLE READER: Well, then, avoid them. It would be more polite than the great pains they took to avoid you.

Miss Manners is confused, as no doubt are you, by why this couple so clearly did not want you at their wedding. The subsequent drifting apart of the relationship seems to corroborate this. Apparently, your fiance just wants to honor the history of the relationship.

In the interest of marital harmony, Miss Manners suggests that you be the bigger person and give this couple whatever title and seating your fiance requests. After politely greeting them, you may interact minimally.

Or, confuse them by being overly effusive. Either way, make sure that your behavior cannot be faulted -- and perhaps they will see in you what they have previously been missing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do I say to someone (age 67) who has an interesting, but unsuccessful, way of nose-blowing?

Instead of using the thumbs to hold the tissue under the nostrils, they are out in the universe, ready to fly. Sometimes, the tissue is held over the face in a “namaste” position.

As a result, depending on the force used, the unsightly matter exiting the nostrils often lands on the upper chest hairs or shirt because the tissue is loosely covering the nose, doing NOTHING HELPFUL.

Unfortunately, my facial expression, and the words I chose, did not help fix the problem.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Miss Manners suggests that you offer a handkerchief. They come in all sorts of helpful sizes. Large, for example. This sacrifice may help fix both problems: containing unsightly matter and maintaining a cordial relationship with this gentleman.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)