DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have four children. We try to treat them consistently, if not equally, when it comes to gifts.

But my in-laws have started being sporadic with gifts. They will shower one child with presents and do nothing for another. The kids’ birthdays are close together, so the difference is pretty glaring.

We told them both that what they wanted to do for birthdays was up to them, and we aren’t asking for gifts, but we do ask that whatever they do be generally consistent across the children. They said they don’t have to do anything, and we should just appreciate whatever they do. They said they were offended that we even brought it up.

Are my husband and I being unreasonable to ask that if close family decide to get a birthday gift for one child, they should plan to get a birthday gift for siblings, too, when their special days roll around? It just seems mean to do for one and not another.

GENTLE READER: As your reasonable request was unreasonably ignored, Miss Manners presumes you are wondering what to do next.

Explain to your relatives that you would appreciate it if they stop giving the children presents at all. When asked why, tell the truth: that the inequality is causing the children to think that the grandparents favor one over the other.

Meanwhile, it is time to provide the children with an important life lesson. Explain to them that your in-laws may be forgetful about gifts and the children should be grateful for anything they receive.

Think of it as a way of teaching your children to be charitable about the bad behavior of others. You need not add that you disapprove of your in-laws’ behavior. Children are liable to repeat such things.

But if they are unsubtle in some ways, they are quick in others. They will know how you feel about your in-laws’ forgetfulness without being told.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to try to write neatly in handwritten cards. I really did. However, recipients always had a difficult time reading my writing, and the problem only got worse with age. I’ve taken to typing up my message and printing it on plain paper, which I paste into a blank card. I sign my name by hand.

It seems to me that being able to read my words of condolence or thanks is more important than seeing the ink on the page. I am sending a personal message in a physical card, and not just shooting off an email or sending a pre-printed greeting. But I have to ask: Am I likely to offend someone?

GENTLE READER: You are likely to offend someone -- people are easily offended these days -- but that in itself is not an indication that you have done anything wrong.

Miss Manners has no objection to your solution, although she does disagree with your premise: The purpose of a letter of thanks or condolence is clear even if the words are not, and the preference for handwriting is that it demonstrates patience and attention on the part of the writer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often eat out alone, and order a few appetizers or “small plates” dishes. When they are served, how much is polite to transfer onto my main plate?

If more than one item has been delivered to my table, I’ll often serve three or four bites of each onto my main plate at the same time. After finishing that serving, I’ll refill my plate from the serving dishes.

Is this correct, and if not, how should I be serving the food? Also, when I place my knife across the corner of my plate, while eating with my fork, for example, should the serrated side be facing outward or toward me?

GENTLE READER: The proliferation of plates in restaurants does indeed produce a conundrum for the diner. In the case of actual serving plates (larger dishes holding food for more than one diner), the custom is to transfer a complete serving.

Miss Manners recommends applying the same rule to side dishes and appetizer plates served with the main meal. In addition to the etiquette: The table is undoubtedly too small to hold all those dishes anyway; the waiter -- who has been told to rush you through the meal to make room for the next customer -- will appear, to his boss, to be doing his job; and the dishwasher will get to go home earlier.

And the cutting edge of your knife goes toward the plate as an indication that you do not plan to use it on anything except your food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I, along with one friend, are taking a trip. We have already paid for and split the three-bedroom house three ways.

Since we have a bedroom no one will be using, my husband wants to invite two other people, but says they cannot afford to pay. He says since we have already paid, “What’s the difference?” and thinks our friend would be OK shouldering the cost for these two additional guests.

I said the cost should be divided by five, reducing the costs our friend already paid. I also was raised with an “If you can’t afford it, you don’t get it” attitude, and don’t want to pay for these two additional people. He says I’m selfish not to do so, and I should help those who can’t pay. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: You are both wrong, a formulation Miss Manners uses intentionally, even though she understands that both answers contain some justice and logic.

Your husband is wrong to think that he can change the terms of the arrangement with the original friend without consulting him or her. He can then make his argument about sunk cost to the paying friend, who is free to accept or decline.

It might help to point out that an equally logical formulation would have had you and your husband paying half of the cost for one bedroom, rather than two-thirds. Your husband will first, however, have to convince you that there is a place for charity in private life.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The mother of a church friend has taken to lifting me up off the ground every time she talks to me at church. I’m 24.

I let her once, because I thought it was going to be a friendly, one-time greeting. Unfortunately, that sent her the wrong message.

The mom, I’ll admit, is only being friendly, but she also calls me “little girl” and comments on how I need to eat more and how I have a little stomach. We talk about little else. Frankly, if this is how most of our future conversations are going to be, I would prefer we just cordially smile and walk on.

These comments and actions are frustrating to me because people often feel the need to comment on how short/small I am. Just when I think I’m beginning to not care what others think, she starts in. I guess I didn’t expect it from a church acquaintance. She is very outgoing and has a strong personality, and it seems she feels like she knows me well enough to speak this way. But to me, it’s tiring and annoying.

My friend no longer attends my church, so I don’t feel I can ask her to intervene with her mom for me.

I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings by explaining that I don’t like it when she lifts me up or makes these comments. I also don’t want to make a scene at church. I don’t know if I should attend another church, hide in the bathroom, fake an injury and refuse to stand up when I see her, or what. I feel that the longer this goes on, the more awkward it will be to confront her. I’m also afraid she will try to convince me that she’s just being friendly, so I shouldn’t mind these things.

In regard to the weight and size comments, should I respond with, “That’s genetics,” or just ignore her? I feel the need to defend myself and list off every unhealthy food item I’ve ever eaten. But should I just smile and nod?

It’s becoming unbearable to talk to her, and I’m at a loss of what to do. Is this a battle worth fighting, and if so, what should my strategies be?

GENTLE READER: That etiquette is named as the enabler in cases such as this -- and a lot worse ones -- is unjust. Politeness does not -- repeat, not -- require you or anyone else to allow another person to handle you against your wishes.

You can meet the personal comments with silence and a stony expression, but you cannot ignore the ridiculous assault.

Miss Manners accepts your belief that your friend’s mother does not intend you harm. Nevertheless, she is causing you harm. So you must tell her to stop. Not with subtle subterfuges, but in plain words.

You can begin mildly, by backing off and saying “Please don’t do that.” If more force is necessary, you can proceed to “No! Don’t do that!” possibly loud enough to attract attention. And you should explain the situation to your minister, requesting assistance as you do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)