DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often eat out alone, and order a few appetizers or “small plates” dishes. When they are served, how much is polite to transfer onto my main plate?

If more than one item has been delivered to my table, I’ll often serve three or four bites of each onto my main plate at the same time. After finishing that serving, I’ll refill my plate from the serving dishes.

Is this correct, and if not, how should I be serving the food? Also, when I place my knife across the corner of my plate, while eating with my fork, for example, should the serrated side be facing outward or toward me?

GENTLE READER: The proliferation of plates in restaurants does indeed produce a conundrum for the diner. In the case of actual serving plates (larger dishes holding food for more than one diner), the custom is to transfer a complete serving.

Miss Manners recommends applying the same rule to side dishes and appetizer plates served with the main meal. In addition to the etiquette: The table is undoubtedly too small to hold all those dishes anyway; the waiter -- who has been told to rush you through the meal to make room for the next customer -- will appear, to his boss, to be doing his job; and the dishwasher will get to go home earlier.

And the cutting edge of your knife goes toward the plate as an indication that you do not plan to use it on anything except your food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I, along with one friend, are taking a trip. We have already paid for and split the three-bedroom house three ways.

Since we have a bedroom no one will be using, my husband wants to invite two other people, but says they cannot afford to pay. He says since we have already paid, “What’s the difference?” and thinks our friend would be OK shouldering the cost for these two additional guests.

I said the cost should be divided by five, reducing the costs our friend already paid. I also was raised with an “If you can’t afford it, you don’t get it” attitude, and don’t want to pay for these two additional people. He says I’m selfish not to do so, and I should help those who can’t pay. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: You are both wrong, a formulation Miss Manners uses intentionally, even though she understands that both answers contain some justice and logic.

Your husband is wrong to think that he can change the terms of the arrangement with the original friend without consulting him or her. He can then make his argument about sunk cost to the paying friend, who is free to accept or decline.

It might help to point out that an equally logical formulation would have had you and your husband paying half of the cost for one bedroom, rather than two-thirds. Your husband will first, however, have to convince you that there is a place for charity in private life.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The mother of a church friend has taken to lifting me up off the ground every time she talks to me at church. I’m 24.

I let her once, because I thought it was going to be a friendly, one-time greeting. Unfortunately, that sent her the wrong message.

The mom, I’ll admit, is only being friendly, but she also calls me “little girl” and comments on how I need to eat more and how I have a little stomach. We talk about little else. Frankly, if this is how most of our future conversations are going to be, I would prefer we just cordially smile and walk on.

These comments and actions are frustrating to me because people often feel the need to comment on how short/small I am. Just when I think I’m beginning to not care what others think, she starts in. I guess I didn’t expect it from a church acquaintance. She is very outgoing and has a strong personality, and it seems she feels like she knows me well enough to speak this way. But to me, it’s tiring and annoying.

My friend no longer attends my church, so I don’t feel I can ask her to intervene with her mom for me.

I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings by explaining that I don’t like it when she lifts me up or makes these comments. I also don’t want to make a scene at church. I don’t know if I should attend another church, hide in the bathroom, fake an injury and refuse to stand up when I see her, or what. I feel that the longer this goes on, the more awkward it will be to confront her. I’m also afraid she will try to convince me that she’s just being friendly, so I shouldn’t mind these things.

In regard to the weight and size comments, should I respond with, “That’s genetics,” or just ignore her? I feel the need to defend myself and list off every unhealthy food item I’ve ever eaten. But should I just smile and nod?

It’s becoming unbearable to talk to her, and I’m at a loss of what to do. Is this a battle worth fighting, and if so, what should my strategies be?

GENTLE READER: That etiquette is named as the enabler in cases such as this -- and a lot worse ones -- is unjust. Politeness does not -- repeat, not -- require you or anyone else to allow another person to handle you against your wishes.

You can meet the personal comments with silence and a stony expression, but you cannot ignore the ridiculous assault.

Miss Manners accepts your belief that your friend’s mother does not intend you harm. Nevertheless, she is causing you harm. So you must tell her to stop. Not with subtle subterfuges, but in plain words.

You can begin mildly, by backing off and saying “Please don’t do that.” If more force is necessary, you can proceed to “No! Don’t do that!” possibly loud enough to attract attention. And you should explain the situation to your minister, requesting assistance as you do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a few friends who are incapable of having a face-to-face conversation without using their phones.

Meals with certain friends involve pulling up photos to show me the minute I sit down. If a certain subject is mentioned, they will Google the topic, hand the phone to me and expect me to read about whatever we were discussing on their phone. They take photographs of their food and text it to other people. They delight in receiving texts and calls the entire time.

I would rather take a novel to a restaurant than sit quietly while my companions are otherwise engaged on their phones for over half the time.

GENTLE READER: Then why don’t you? Not with those people, of course. If you want their attention, Miss Manners suggests that you choose another venue where they can communicate with you electronically.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my early 30s and recently engaged. One of my issues is that I dislike being the center of attention -- a fact that I have been working at more and more, as there are so many bride-centric activities.

I have struggled with anxiety that has been crippling at times (i.e., I had a period where I was unable to leave my house for two months). Through hard work, I have gotten past most hurdles, and my family has been very kind and supportive.

My family members are throwing me a shower, and have agreed (somewhat begrudgingly -- I suppose there is a limit to the support people can give) that it will not be a surprise, due to my anxiety. But I am struggling with the prospect of opening gifts at the shower, and the anxiety issues this could cause. I have a large family, and with both families and friends, this could be an event of close to 100 women.

I have been a guest at such events, and this part becomes tedious and boring (a sentiment cousins and aunts have shared with me as well). I would much rather be talking to family and friends then sitting in a chair opening gifts.

How can I graciously bow out of this tradition without offending my hostesses, who like to stick with tradition, and without having it seem like my anxiety is a card I am playing to get out of things?

GENTLE READER: How supportive is your family if it insists on giving you a shower you dread?

It is apparently not well known that a marriage can be perfectly valid -- and even happy and lasting -- without a round of parties, a diamond ring, a $5,000 dress and a catered dinner dance. It is time to explain that to your family, and to point out that to throw a party for someone who will be upset is hardly an honor.

If your family wants to feel included, which is understandable, they can arrange small, informal visits in ways that you specify you can handle.

If you are stuck with the party, the gift-opening ritual -- which even some of them admit is tedious -- can certainly be skipped. It only requires putting someone in charge of making sure the boxes are labeled (cards tend to slip off) so you can write thanking the givers later.

But as your relatives apparently love surprises, why don’t you surprise them? Elope.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)