DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I, all professionals, have been meeting periodically for lunch for over 20 years. From the beginning, we split the bill four ways.

Perhaps the assumption was that it would all even out over time, but it has not. There are clear subsidizers and subsidizees. (Yes, I am a subsidizer.) Occasionally, a subsidizee will contribute a few extra dollars. Otherwise, we continue to split the bill evenly. No one complains and no one is trying to take advantage. We all enjoy each other’s company very much.

Unexpectedly, at the end of a recent lunch, our waitress cheerfully asked if we would like separate checks. I responded, “Yes, please.” My friend, who styles himself as The Nicest Guy You Know, chastised me, saying that separate checks would place an extra burden on the waitress.

I replied that she would not have offered if that were so. (The restaurant was not particularly busy.) The waitress left and returned shortly with four checks.

I must ask that Miss Manners assume that my friend’s motivation was solely concern for the waitress. Was he nevertheless being overprotective, or was I inconsiderate, as he claims?

GENTLE READER: If the waitress is offering to perform a service -- one that is much needed -- why would you not graciously take her up on it?

It is probably not convenient for her to write down numerous food substitutions either, but she does it. Or the restaurant will take a stand against it and clearly state so.

Miss Manners suggests that you assume the same for this situation. Unless there is a policy against it, it is probably far less annoying to give you separate checks --computers are so handy for things like this -- than it is for her to sit and wait while everyone squabbles over who had the main course chopped salad and who only had it as a side.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sadly, my fiance’s father passed away last week. Despite having told his grown children that my fiance’s ex-wife should not come to the funeral, she showed up anyway.

Before his father’s dementia got to the point that he didn’t know people, he wanted nothing to do with this woman, and she was not welcome in his home. My fiance’s oldest sister had stayed friendly with her, and in the last two years has invited her to visit, despite knowing how her father felt.

In the 10-plus years since their divorce, my fiance has sacrificed going to grandchildren’s birthday parties in order to avoid her. Am I wrong for being upset that both my fiance and his father have been so blatantly disrespected?

GENTLE READER: Not wrong, just too late. If the ex-wife has already attended the funeral, Miss Manners does not foresee you getting much satisfaction out of being upset in the aftermath.

If your fiance’s relationship with his sister is not such that he can ask her to help him with an uncomfortable situation, then proceeding as you have -- avoiding the ex-wife as best you can -- seems to be the only recourse. The fact that you will be soon replacing her should be of mild consolation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live with my boyfriend, who recently needed me to bring lunch to him at work on a day that he forgot to bring it. I was more than happy to bring him a nice, freshly heated meal. Due to the circumstances of his work, I could not stay to make it a lunch together, so I was just dropping it off.

Today, when we woke up, he asked me to drop off lunch for him at work again. I told him that unless he forgot a lunch or was running late, this is using me as a delivery girl.

He then huffed that he would ask his sister instead. His sister has five to seven kids that she looks after during the day, so I told him that it would be unfair, and that it was also unfair to expect me to drop my schedule (even if it isn’t full like his sister’s) when he has every ability to bring his lunch.

He walked off without a response. He walks away without a response quite a bit, which is hurtful to me. Do I not deserve a response to at least say that he heard what I said, or that he disagrees, or agrees, or he’ll think about it? Was I wrong about it being presumptuous to expect me to deliver him lunch when he didn’t forget it and had time to pack it? And, if I wasn’t wrong, was my explanation rude?

GENTLE READER: As living together is often touted as a tryout period prior to a more permanent arrangement, it might be productive to examine the lessons learned about your boyfriend’s behavior, as Miss Manners assures you that your own was proper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It appears the modern way to serve coffee is in a mug. When being served this way, what do you do with the spoon after you stir in condiments?

I like the old, traditional (and more civilized) way to serve coffee to guests, that being with a cup and saucer and their own spoon for stirring cream and/or sugar.

GENTLE READER: You have two options, the choice of which will depend on how much you wish to create a teaching moment for your host.

The first is to place the spoon on the nearest available surface, which Miss Manners hopes is not the piano or the cat. As your host may object, whatever the surface chosen, it might instead be preferable to ask where you should put the spoon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it is considered rude to say please and thank you simultaneously.

GENTLE READER: “Please” and “thank you” are used to going out arm-in-arm, so an occasional, accidental collision may occur. Pushing them both down the stairs in an exasperated tone that makes clear the intention was to express frustration is less charming, though not, surprisingly, impolite. Miss Manners prefers it to more explicit declarations of annoyance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a stay-at-home dad with two little boys, 10 months and 3 years old, and another on the way. At least five times a day, I’m stopped by a seemingly well-meaning person making an obnoxious, sexist comment: “You’ve got your hands full!” or, “Looks like Dad played hooky today to take care of the kids,” or, “Mommy must be taking a much-needed break.”

I struggle with how to respond. I want to model good manners for my kids, but at the same time shut down the conversation and go about my day.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, children will eventually need to know how to respond to a public insult, so Miss Manners agrees that now is a good time to begin the lesson.

Answer with a quizzical look, as if you did not understand what was said. After all, it is incomprehensible that a stranger just suggested you would not voluntarily spend time with your own children.

Forcing them to repeat themselves should prompt them to recognize their own inanity, if not their rudeness.

Answer the repetition by saying that there is nothing you would rather do than to be with your children. The stranger may think you are sanctimonious, but might also realize what these jibes implied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and a small group of his co-workers go on regular business trips to a remote office of their company. They habitually stay in the same hotel and get breakfast together at the hotel restaurant. During breakfast, his co-workers typically spend most of the time absorbed in their smartphones rather than conversing with each other.

We’re at a loss about the polite way to handle this. Should he sit there silently, hoping someone takes pity on him and talks to him? Should he interrupt their phone activities to try to start a conversation? Should he give up and use his smartphone as well? For several reasons, it would be awkward and difficult for him to skip this breakfast altogether.

GENTLE READER: This seems to Miss Manners to be a waste of everyone’s time -- and conducive neither to getting work done nor to socializing. Perhaps your husband could mention that.

“Everyone seems so busy at breakfast. Would it be easier to skip it and use it as a time to catch up on work individually? Or would anyone like to do as I do and socialize a little bit before we start our day?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two children getting married within three months. Can I wear the same mother-of-the-bride dress for both weddings?

GENTLE READER: The reason for alternating one’s wardrobe is to give some variety to one’s guests and companions. As the invitation list for the two events is likely to have significant overlap, this would suggest a preference for a change of clothes.

But as one bride and the other bridegroom will presumably also have features in common, Miss Manners has no objection to your washing and recycling your dress.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)