DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone has put up signs in all of our (unisex) bathrooms at work, imploring men to put down the toilet seat when they leave. As I was leaving a bathroom, a woman even stopped me in the hall to say, with annoyance, “You didn’t put down the seat.”

I am perplexed by this demand. When I come into a bathroom, I look to see if the seat is down and, if it is, put it up. When a woman comes in, shouldn’t she likewise look to see if it’s up and, if it is, put it down? Isn’t this demand a one-way street of the sort that etiquette eschews? (By its logic, I could equally demand that when a woman puts the seat down, she should subsequently put it back up. Which I wouldn’t.) What say you?

GENTLE READER: It is a social construct generally accepted that a toilet in its neutral and ready state has its seat down. The fact that this configuration favors one gender over the other is less important, Miss Manners believes, than that it is more conducive to keeping its passengers from falling in.

Your argument that this is a form of sexism is not likely to go over well, Miss Manners warns you. She does agree that your colleague should not have chastised you, but then again, having resorted to posting signs that you are defiantly ignoring, she seemingly had no choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is the first birthday in 10 years my ex and I will not be together. Should I send a birthday card?

GENTLE READER: Only if the benefits of doing so outweigh the negatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should a new mother respond to overly excited visitors who do not ask permission to hold the baby, and are not careful when doing so? I have just welcomed my third little one, and still have not quite figured this out.

I have certain in-laws that I know will immediately grab the baby and hold him up high in the air, then pass him off to their children, who will fight over who gets to hold him. It has even developed into a tug of war in the past, when my other two were babies, and I was always extremely nervous that they would be dropped.

I could rely on my daughter to start screaming after a few minutes, and then I could rescue her with a made-up excuse, “Oh, she must be hungry!” My son was a sturdy, easygoing baby, and he (and I) put up with it better.

This new babe is extremely small and fragile after a hard labor. I am getting very nervous about the visit. How can I politely head off the baby-grabbing?

GENTLE READER: “I am afraid that this one is a bit delicate and can get fussy, so I am going to hold on to her for now. When she’s bigger and sturdier, I will happily pass her around for gentle hugs and kisses.” The subtle threat of these visitors’ wayward grabs inducing crying and tantrums will likely deter them. If not, they will have been properly forewarned of the consequences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

MISS MANNERS: We were phoned and asked to a friend’s 70th birthday party, with details to follow. I had the date on my calendar, but didn’t receive a confirming email. So I called a friend to check the date, and she said, “Didn’t you get the email? I will send it to you,” which she did. It included a very nice invite with a dinner menu hosted by a chef.

Well! I have since received another email from the host with an invitation for another evening, which is nothing like the first one. Apparently we were not supposed to be invited to the chef-hosted evening.

I declined the second invitation, and let the host know I was confused. He has since called me twice, asking us to please come to the first dinner, saying he will make it work. We are now feeling very awkward, as we were never to be invited to the first party. My husband doesn’t want to go at all now. What is one to do?

GENTLE READER: Like your on-again, off-again host, Miss Manners senses your understandable annoyance.

Having once invited you, your host should have “made it work” when he counted the chairs and came up short -- rather than waiting for you to query him. He then compounded his mistake by telling you how difficult it was to include you in the first event. (He thought he was demonstrating the lengths he would go to make amends. You and Miss Manners heard that he would prefer you not attend.)

What to do? Your husband is correct that you should not attend an event at which you are not welcome. But your host has demonstrated remorse. Assuming you wish to continue the friendship, it is time to forgive his clumsiness -- and perhaps to say that you would really rather attend the second event.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does a gracious host deal with invited guests who arrive in really sweaty clothes (which you know, because you greeted them with a hug), arrive in excessively wet or dirty shoes, say they have bladder control problems, or are at least 400 pounds overweight?

All of these things have happened to me more than once, with different guests. These issues have led to stains on furniture or carpets that cannot be cleaned.

Must we smile as they take a seat wherever they choose, or do you have suggestions for handling these issues so we don’t have to replace the furniture every few years?

GENTLE READER: You may have missed the belated recognition by society that obesity, and the problems associated with it, should not be treated, as was too often done in the past, as a moral failing.

But Miss Manners does condemn extremism in any form, and that includes guests who do not make reasonable efforts to mitigate the impact of their conditions on their host -- or, in the case of the sweaty guests, their host’s upholstery. For the overweight guest, this means not sitting on the antique wooden chair with spindly legs; for the host, this means having suitable alternatives and, if necessary, suggesting that your guest might be more comfortable sitting here than on “that old thing.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our weekly garbage collectors frequently allow stray pieces of trash to blow out of the can or recycling bin as it is being emptied into the truck. On windy days, there are pieces of trash blowing around our neighborhood, through the streets and into people’s yards.

In some cases, I can clearly identify some pieces as mine, as they are brightly colored wrappers from ethnic foods I purchase online which are not available locally.

I clean whatever garbage I find in the street, but what is the protocol when I see what is clearly my trash in a neighbor’s yard near their home? I feel odd going into their yard and approaching their house, sometimes going into their bushes to pick up a wrapper I can see poking out, but I also feel odd leaving my trash there. I put my trash in the can at the curb, so what is my role in cleaning it up from a neighbor’s yard?

GENTLE READER: Technically, the garbage became the collector’s responsibility once pickup occurred, but Miss Manners sees your problem.

It is both charming and neighborly of you to skip down the block chasing your colorful wrappers, but you are right to fear that incidental trespassing may be misunderstood: Police have a legal right to cross jurisdictional lines in pursuit of a suspect; trash collectors, official or otherwise, do not.

The solution is to raise the issue with the garbage collectors’ bosses. Ideally, you can do this in a neighborhood group or town hall where you will, simultaneously, be publicly declaring your concern for your neighbors’ clean lawns. After that, when the next big wind occurs, shut the blinds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss and I eat lunch regularly at a nearby restaurant. We are there often enough that we know the staff pretty well.

One time, my boss said she’d made reservations there for a holiday lunch, in part so we could tip our favorite staff. The following day, she asked if I could cover the lunch, and I agreed.

Then on the way she asked if I could cover the holiday tips (in cash). I had no cash on me, so I declined. Then at lunch, the staff gifted us a bottle of wine and an appetizer.

When it came time to pay the bill, I did so and then my boss took the receipt from me to review. I was stunned. It appeared she was verifying that I was tipping appropriately. I’m not sure how I should have responded, as I’ve never had anything like that happen before. It’s likely something similar might occur in the future and I would like to be prepared.

GENTLE READER: A more generous (and more practical) assumption about your boss’s behavior would have been that she was checking to see how much she owed you.

A quick response of, “Oh, we can settle up tomorrow,” would have made for an easier follow-up.

As you missed that opportunity, Miss Manners recognizes that only two choices remain, and they are not mutually exclusive: asking for repayment -- which may be awkward -- and not scheduling lunches with your boss unless they are paid for by the company.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)