DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sibling and his spouse of 20 years are acrimoniously divorcing. The toxicity surrounding the breakup led the families of both parties to stick with their respective family member, and support that person during this very unhappy time. My family is very focused on the children, doing our best to ensure they feel loved, secure and supported.

My soon-to-be-ex in-law’s parents have both recently been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. My sibling has been told in no uncertain terms by his spouse not to reach out in any way to the parents, either to express sorrow or to offer support.

As a result, my sibling has instructed our family to ignore the illnesses and remain in the background. I do understand where this is coming from, but after 20 years marking milestone events in the children’s lives, holidays, etc., I feel like an awful human for not at least sending some sort of card or letter or basket of fruit to these elderly, ill people.

Can Miss Manners please create a directive of proper etiquette between about-to-be-ex families? I can’t believe I’m the only person to face this very awkward and sad situation.

GENTLE READER: One of the things most divorced couples realize too quickly is that they no longer have to do what the other says.

Miss Manners therefore appreciates that your sibling is intending to put harmony first in this case. But even if he avoids his soon-to-be-ex in-laws, the ban does not reasonably apply to you. Contacting your ex-relatives is the compassionate thing to do; just make allowances for the awkward position in which they may then find themselves with their own family member.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in April. A wedding guest who lives out of town told me that she is planning an engagement party for my bridesmaid, who moved out of state with her fiance, for the day after my wedding.

We are planning a wedding brunch on Sunday, and I will not be able to attend this engagement party for one of my best friends. My engaged friend will have already been engaged for four months by the time my wedding occurs. I initially told the planner that I was OK with this, but then told her that it would be hurtful, and it sounds like she is still proceeding with booking a venue and sending invites to this engagement party during my wedding weekend.

Should I be hurt by this? I also want my friend to be able to celebrate her engagement with her family and friends who live here, but it feels very rude, particularly when many of the invitees will also be at my wedding. I can’t prevent her from planning this event, but am not sure how to handle this. Is this a total faux pas, or something I should try and let go?

GENTLE READER: Sometimes conflicts can be avoided, and sometimes they cannot, but no one owns the calendar -- not even brides.

Miss Manners advises against arguing about the relative importance of the events -- not only because the value of a delayed engagement party versus a day-after wedding brunch is hard to measure, but also because you have already confused the issue by agreeing to the conflicting date for the party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The conventional response to “How are you?” is “Fine, thank you.” What do you recommend for a response when things are not at all fine?

“Fine, thanks, and I’m calling to tell you that our granddaughter’s funeral will be on Friday” or “I’m fine, thank you. I’m on my way out the door, because my doctor just called and said to come in immediately and to be prepared for very bad news” just don’t work.

Surely there is a standard form for saying that you are not doing well without encouraging prying on their part or whining on mine.

GENTLE READER: “Could be worse”? But perhaps things hardly could be.

As you point out, “How are you?” is a convention, only one step up from the traditional greeting of “How do you do?” (to which the answer is “How do you do?”). Anyone who is anxious about your health will peer into your eyes and say, “Tell me, how are you really?”

So the trick is that if you skip answering, no one will notice. In both examples you give, you could have gone right to the follow-up statement. Miss Manners believes you could also get away with nothing more than a hearty, “And how are you?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I were extremely happily married for more than 45 years. We virtually never fought and only wanted to be together.

My wife suddenly died, without warning, approximately four months ago. We both come from very close families and we have several children of our own.

I have been very lonely since her death. I am getting older and do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also do not want to cause problems with any family members who might think that I was not being loyal to the memory of my late wife.

How long would you say it is appropriate to wait before starting to look for another companion?

GENTLE READER: It would be cruel of those who care about you to want to add to your sadness by condemning you to loneliness, but such is often the case. However, ambiguity is on your side.

“Dating” is such a loose term these days that you needn’t admit to it. What you are proposing to do is to “get out a bit and see some friends, to relieve the grief.” Surely no one could object to that.

And it could include seeing new friends, but Miss Manners does not recommend searching for them on any site frequented by your relatives. If a serious relationship evolves -- and you know enough about what that constitutes to proceed cautiously -- there will be time enough to inform them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On what occasions is it not proper to compliment someone -- on dress, accomplishments, etc.?

GENTLE READER: It is always proper to compliment people on their accomplishments. On dress, only when you know them socially, not professionally. And on “etc.,” Miss Manners suspects you’d better not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a family member, a 57-year-old woman, who is, to put it bluntly, a tyrant. She heaps verbal abuse on people, says intentionally cruel things, and rarely attends a family gathering without making someone cry.

No one has said anything to her because she is so overbearing that everyone else is afraid of her.

At a family barbecue, she began berating my 87-year-old mother. My son, who is 16, apparently had had enough, because he picked up a bucket of water that happened to be handy and threw it in her face. She stood there stunned for a moment and then left. Several people cheered as she did so.

My husband and I disagree on what should happen next. I don’t think a 16-year-old boy should be throwing buckets of water at a 57-year-old woman, no matter how provoked, and that he should apologize. My husband says that he did what one of the adults in the family should have done long ago, and the way to deal with bullies is by standing up to them.

I agree that part of the problem is that the adults in the family should have acted years ago, but that still doesn’t excuse a teenager abusing an elder. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: It never fails to amaze Miss Manners that many people who are against rudeness are in favor of violence. As many of your relatives have signaled their approval of this way of settling scores, you should probably bring a towel to the next family gathering.

Your dissent seems to be based on the relative ages of the combatants. Miss Manners agrees that respect for elders is important, but is your only lesson to your son going to be to attack someone of his own age? And what if the next bully he faces is the same age but physically stronger than he?

There are other ways to stand up to bullies. Your son could have achieved the same effect by saying firmly, “I won’t let you talk to my grandmother that way,” or, considering that he was addressing a repeat offender, a rousing, “How dare you talk that way to my grandmother?”

When you explain tactics to your son, you should also commend him for coming to her defense. But yes, he should apologize -- not just to his drenched victim, but to the entire family for his action. But he can add that he will not stand for bullying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever all right to say to an overly helpful guest, “Sit down or I’ll break both your legs”?

GENTLE READER: It is tempting. People look so proud of themselves when they keep on helping after they have been thanked and told to stop.

But no. Even breaking one leg would violate the rules of hospitality. Rather you should say, clearly and decisively, “I know you mean well, but please respect my wishes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)