DEAR MISS MANNERS: The conventional response to “How are you?” is “Fine, thank you.” What do you recommend for a response when things are not at all fine?

“Fine, thanks, and I’m calling to tell you that our granddaughter’s funeral will be on Friday” or “I’m fine, thank you. I’m on my way out the door, because my doctor just called and said to come in immediately and to be prepared for very bad news” just don’t work.

Surely there is a standard form for saying that you are not doing well without encouraging prying on their part or whining on mine.

GENTLE READER: “Could be worse”? But perhaps things hardly could be.

As you point out, “How are you?” is a convention, only one step up from the traditional greeting of “How do you do?” (to which the answer is “How do you do?”). Anyone who is anxious about your health will peer into your eyes and say, “Tell me, how are you really?”

So the trick is that if you skip answering, no one will notice. In both examples you give, you could have gone right to the follow-up statement. Miss Manners believes you could also get away with nothing more than a hearty, “And how are you?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I were extremely happily married for more than 45 years. We virtually never fought and only wanted to be together.

My wife suddenly died, without warning, approximately four months ago. We both come from very close families and we have several children of our own.

I have been very lonely since her death. I am getting older and do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. But I also do not want to cause problems with any family members who might think that I was not being loyal to the memory of my late wife.

How long would you say it is appropriate to wait before starting to look for another companion?

GENTLE READER: It would be cruel of those who care about you to want to add to your sadness by condemning you to loneliness, but such is often the case. However, ambiguity is on your side.

“Dating” is such a loose term these days that you needn’t admit to it. What you are proposing to do is to “get out a bit and see some friends, to relieve the grief.” Surely no one could object to that.

And it could include seeing new friends, but Miss Manners does not recommend searching for them on any site frequented by your relatives. If a serious relationship evolves -- and you know enough about what that constitutes to proceed cautiously -- there will be time enough to inform them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On what occasions is it not proper to compliment someone -- on dress, accomplishments, etc.?

GENTLE READER: It is always proper to compliment people on their accomplishments. On dress, only when you know them socially, not professionally. And on “etc.,” Miss Manners suspects you’d better not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a family member, a 57-year-old woman, who is, to put it bluntly, a tyrant. She heaps verbal abuse on people, says intentionally cruel things, and rarely attends a family gathering without making someone cry.

No one has said anything to her because she is so overbearing that everyone else is afraid of her.

At a family barbecue, she began berating my 87-year-old mother. My son, who is 16, apparently had had enough, because he picked up a bucket of water that happened to be handy and threw it in her face. She stood there stunned for a moment and then left. Several people cheered as she did so.

My husband and I disagree on what should happen next. I don’t think a 16-year-old boy should be throwing buckets of water at a 57-year-old woman, no matter how provoked, and that he should apologize. My husband says that he did what one of the adults in the family should have done long ago, and the way to deal with bullies is by standing up to them.

I agree that part of the problem is that the adults in the family should have acted years ago, but that still doesn’t excuse a teenager abusing an elder. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: It never fails to amaze Miss Manners that many people who are against rudeness are in favor of violence. As many of your relatives have signaled their approval of this way of settling scores, you should probably bring a towel to the next family gathering.

Your dissent seems to be based on the relative ages of the combatants. Miss Manners agrees that respect for elders is important, but is your only lesson to your son going to be to attack someone of his own age? And what if the next bully he faces is the same age but physically stronger than he?

There are other ways to stand up to bullies. Your son could have achieved the same effect by saying firmly, “I won’t let you talk to my grandmother that way,” or, considering that he was addressing a repeat offender, a rousing, “How dare you talk that way to my grandmother?”

When you explain tactics to your son, you should also commend him for coming to her defense. But yes, he should apologize -- not just to his drenched victim, but to the entire family for his action. But he can add that he will not stand for bullying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever all right to say to an overly helpful guest, “Sit down or I’ll break both your legs”?

GENTLE READER: It is tempting. People look so proud of themselves when they keep on helping after they have been thanked and told to stop.

But no. Even breaking one leg would violate the rules of hospitality. Rather you should say, clearly and decisively, “I know you mean well, but please respect my wishes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For nine years, I have been seeing a mental health professional who has been treating me for depression and anxiety. I have a good relationship with the doctor but feel it is time for a change.

The chief reason for considering leaving is that his fees have become too expensive. Many other mental health care professionals' fees in the area are much less. The doctor I am seeing is a one-man operation who leases out a small space in an office building. His education level and experience is not much different than the other doctors I have been researching.

Should I tell him the chief reason I am leaving his practice is the expense, or just that I need a change?

GENTLE READER: Your dealings with professionals such as therapists (and hairdressers) are not social relationships, and their cessation does not require the same amount of care by way of excuses in order to spare their feelings. Miss Manners does not, however, object to the professional courtesy of telling this gentleman that his prices are not competitive. This will also give him the opportunity to counter the offer -- and not wonder forever what he did wrong.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When tipping in cash at restaurants, I have a habit of handing the cash to the waiter or waitress who is serving us after our bill is settled. I have a fear of someone stealing the cash if we leave it on the table, especially if the restaurant is busy. Is this proper etiquette, or should I do this a different way?

GENTLE READER: There is no strict rule to this, as long as you can do it without making a show of it, embarrassing the staff or looking like an illegal trade is being made. If you are unable to manage that, Miss Manners recommends folding it in the leather bill holder or hiding it under a saltshaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom's friends and I are split on the issue of grandparents and other adult relatives (other than the child's parents) at children's birthday parties.

Some of us have very kid-themed parties (at the playground, for example) and still invite grandparents, while others believe that adults (other than parents of the young attendees) should not be asked to attend parties that are too childish for them to enjoy. The latter group holds two birthday parties for their children each year, one for adult relatives of the child and the other for the child's friends.

We're curious about what etiquette states about this. Those who have been inviting adults to kid-themed parties will mend our ways if we are told we have been erring badly. Some of those who have been holding two parties would like to stop if they are told that just the kid-friendly party is sufficient for everyone.

GENTLE READER: You may be surprised to hear that Miss Manners' only firm stance on the number of children's birthday parties is that they be age-appropriate in activity and provisions (for both adults and children, whether at two parties or one two-layered party), and that you do not tax anyone with feeling obligated to attend multiple parties with multiple presents. Also, no clowns who might scare children (or adults). Other than that, know your audience and invite accordingly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)