DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have decided to apply for a master's degree, despite having an exorbitant amount of anxiety surrounding academia. It often feels like I require 13 tries before even understanding concepts that other students pick up immediately (even though I know every individual has their own personal struggles!).

I meet regularly with a therapist and stick to a regimented sleep, medication and exercise schedule to keep my anxiety under control. Despite this, I still occasionally find myself becoming extremely emotional around tutors, teachers and other mentors trying to help me reach my goal.

I do my best to excuse myself if I need to wipe away some tears, but there are many occasions where time simply does not allow for this. I'm very curious if there are any etiquette tips for situations when anxiety gets the better of me. How do I explain to others that my reaction is not their fault, and how do I deal with these exhausting emotions when they insist on coming out in public?

GENTLE READER: The situations you are speaking of are not public -- you will exchange tutors, teachers and fellow students periodically, but not daily or even weekly -- a point Miss Manners makes for a reason.

Most academic programs provide for individual contact with teachers, tutors and mentors, which is the proper place to mention your situation, preferably prior to a demonstration. Those professionals will then be aware what is happening and in a position to help, by, for example, calling on someone else or excusing you. This is not a step to be taken for every diagnosis or discomfort, but only for issues well outside the range of average behaviors. You do not, after all, wish to be the student whose dog is always eating his homework.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother passed away. She was aged, and it was not unexpected. At a family dinner, I mentioned that it was not a good year for me, as two acquaintances of mine had also passed away, both of them very suddenly.

My sister-in-law asked what caused their deaths. I replied I didn't know and didn't ask. She replied that she would want to know. I said that out of respect for the families in their time of grief, I could not do such a thing.

If a family member had told me the cause of death, and someone else asked me, then I would say, "I am not a detective. I am a mourner."

Sadly, the discussion went from talk to debate. I excused myself and went home. I later apologized, but am still taken aback by her lack of manners and courtesy. Is there a situation where one may ask the cause of death? Should I just remember the decedents and mourn? They were beautiful people whom I shall miss.

GENTLE READER: Your sister-in-law does appear to have missed the point of funerals, which is not to gossip about the deceased to whom you are paying respect, but to comfort the living. Discussions of even the most peaceful and expected deaths are likely to upset the other mourners. And not all deaths, Miss Manners reminds your sister-in-law, are peaceful or expected. You were right not to inquire.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I invited some friends and their significant others to celebrate my birthday, I asked people what date and time would be best, and reserved a nice restaurant based on their availability.

A week before the event, a friend who lives the farthest away called and suggested a different place. She said the original place was "pricey," and that it would be far for her to travel (over an hour). She encouraged me to pick somewhere 30 to 40 minutes from her.

In the end, I did cave and pick a different restaurant, because it was important to me that my lifelong friend be present to celebrate. However, I can't help but be annoyed with her. I have gladly traveled over an hour in the past to locales of her choosing, including to her birthday. If it's truly too expensive for her to have dinner with friends, she could order appetizers only, split the bill with her boyfriend or simply not come.

So what should have been done here? Was it wrong of her to wrangle the host into accommodating her personal concerns? Or was it wrong of me to choose somewhere out of a guest's price range?

GENTLE READER: They were not your guests. Were you the host of this party, as well as the guest of honor, Miss Manners would have supported your indignation that a guest tried to renegotiate the terms.

But you were only asking your friend to buy herself dinner while paying tribute to you. That she wanted to go someplace she could afford seems eminently reasonable. Of the three cost-saving suggestions you mention, Miss Manners would have chosen the third.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 73-year-old man. Looking at me, I am obviously somewhere in the 70s age range. I often encounter much younger people who address me as "young man."

I do not understand why they do it. We both know I am not young. Do they think I feel better to be so addressed?

For example, when I had hip replacement surgery recently, I was attended to very professionally afterward by a physical therapist, of apparent age mid-30s or so, who deserves great credit for everything she did in helping me to recover and return to what I consider to be a very vigorous 73-year-old lifestyle.

But she keeps calling me "young man." Maybe it shouldn't bother me, but it does. How should I handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: By asking the therapist politely to stop, because yes, she does think that this makes you feel better.

Our society has the appalling concept that it is embarrassing to age, and that we therefore have to keep up the elaborate pretense that everyone seems young. You are not the only adult who finds this disrespectful. If you explain this gently, you will be doing a favor not only for other clients, but also for her, as she ages.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to begin a conversation with "I don't want to start a fight, but ..." and then say something rude, challenging or confrontational? Another version I've heard is "Don't get mad, but ..." just before a person says something rude.

While this declaration is fine on certain occasions (such as when a trusted friend is telling me a hard truth from a place of love), I do find it hard to deal with on others. It seems to me that it is a way to shift blame from the person saying something rude to the person who hears an insult and then feels the need to respond by dispelling or challenging whatever was said.

P.S. The person who says this most often is my ex-husband. "Don't get mad, but I no longer care about your feelings." I suppose a candid "Me too" might've been a better reaction than trying to justify why we should get along for the sake of our shared child.

GENTLE READER: Oh. Miss Manners was about to handle this as the nasty habit some people have of trying to head off the consequences of insulting others by classifying them as helpful. But that was before she read your postscript.

Of course it is rude. Not caring about the feelings of others is practically the definition of rudeness, and saying so takes it up another notch. Your ex-husband was trying to be rude. You don't need Miss Manners to tell you that. She only hopes that for the sake of your child, you do not descend to his level.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: May I call my doctors, including dentists, by their first names? I have been their patient for almost 20 years.

GENTLE READER: And therefore you feel you are on the same terms with them as others with whom you take off your clothes or welcome into your mouth?

Miss Manners does not recommend dispensing with the formality of professional relationships, which makes that useful distinction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a disturbing trend that my husband and I have experienced from weekend guests. These are friends who previously have said that we have the best bed-and-breakfast in California.

When they woke up, the wife greeted us with, "You need another blanket on the bed." I asked if they had used the room heater or the comforter; they didn't use the heater and said the comforter was too heavy. I felt that this was akin to how one might respond to a rental.

She also complained about the food, making our dinner very uncomfortable. (My husband is a great cook and everyone says so.) I felt that this was akin to a restaurant review.

Needless to say, we have not invited these "friends" back. I write to alert your readers not to apply online behavior to personal experiences.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. Perhaps you should not have been so flattered about being compared to a B&B.

The confusion between the commercial and social worlds has become commonplace, with guests expecting to set conditions and hosts demanding contributions and even payment. In your situation, Miss Manners would have been tempted to sympathize with the guests, saying, "I'm so sorry you're not comfortable here. Let me find you a good hotel."