DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with often being too nice. It often gives the impression that I'm interested in being friends with someone when I'm really not.

I have gone out of my way to be nice, helpful and friendly because I suffer from guilt when I'm not those things, plus I don't want to be considered a cold, rude, distant person -- I'm not when I do want someone as a friend. I guess I'm saying that I treat everyone the same, and that can have consequences.

My predicament now is that although I will shortly be both moving out of my apartment building and changing jobs (for other reasons), my little one-person fan club insists that we keep in touch and still be close friends and lunch companions. Do you have suggestions as to how to handle this without insulting her or making me feel guilty?

We really don't have anything in common; I don't enjoy her company, and neither of us really contributes to a lifelong close friendship, although you'd never know it. I've planned on not being the one to initiate contact and always having "something else" planned. But that seems like a transparent, rude brush-off. Yet isn't that better than the naked truth? I should add that the other woman has plenty of family and real friends, and so I wouldn't be abandoning her to the solitude I would enjoy.

GENTLE READER: Those who take advantage of the feelings of guilt, responsibility or simple good nature in others rely on a misunderstanding: Friendship is not an obligation but a pleasure, based on mutual understanding and good feelings, often expressed in reciprocal acts of kindness.

Miss Manners says this not to assure you that you have no obligation to others, but rather to clarify what that obligation is -- and is not. Assisting an elderly neighbor, as one example, is a good deed. Spending time with someone who bores you, and to whom you owe nothing, is neither a good deed, a requirement of good manners -- nor a sensible use of time. If you do not offer future invitations -- and answer those extended to you within a measured time -- the problem will resolve itself. It is known as drifting apart.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been invited to a party. The hours are from 6 p.m. until 10 p.m. Am I required to be there the entire time? I had hoped to stay until the end so I can help my host with cleaning up afterward.

GENTLE READER: How long you are required to remain depends on the nature of the party. Leaving in the middle of a sit-down meal is rude, while holding out past the end of a cocktail party may be equally rude.

Miss Manners presumes that your desire to clean up is altruistic -- you want to be helpful, rather than enjoying the act itself. But she assures you that if you reciprocate the invitation, you can clean up your own party rather than hanging around the kitchen at your friend's.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you gently bring up or remind somebody, like a relative or significant other, that gifts they give to you that are really gifts for your pets aren't really gifts for you?

If it was pet food or litter, or something you would normally spend your own money on, that's one thing, because it saves you a future expense. But when it's something your pet doesn't need that you wouldn't get them anyway, it just feels like a disappointing gift to receive, because you thought they would put a modicum of thought into giving you something you would enjoy, but instead gave you something your pet would enjoy.

I feel like it almost can't be brought up without being rude. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your definition of a good gift -- something that displays both knowledge of the recipient and a thought for her enjoyment -- agrees with Miss Manners' own. Where we apparently disagree is not on whether a gift to a third party counts -- it does not -- but on what constitutes a third party.

As a general rule, you are correct: Your friend cannot buy a gift for someone else, and, simply by naming you as the recipient, transfer the obligation to yourself. Pleasant as it may be to you when your daughter receives a thoughtful wedding gift from your friend, it is your daughter who will have to write the thank-you note, because she is in possession of the goods. For the same reason, people who try to pass off charitable donations as gifts should not expect gratitude -- at least not from the empty-handed bride.

But cats, like babies, are not considered wholly independent actors. For this reason, they are exempted from writing thank-you notes. Also because they cannot spell.

Although she agrees that such presents should be the exception, rather than the norm, Miss Manners would let pass the one you describe, assuming that your friend knew how close you are to your cat -- and therefore was reasonable in presuming that the attention would be welcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for attendance at a wake or funeral for someone you do not like, or had a "falling out with" years ago with no chance of recovering the friendship?

I have faced this twice: Once was an ex-boss, the other, an ex-friend. I feel that it looked bad or was deemed unprofessional that I did not attend a four-hour celebration of life that co-workers attended. In the other case, I believed my attendance was hypocritical for both the dead and their family. These instances happened years ago, yet I carry the question.

GENTLE READER: Funerals are not the time to re-litigate past differences, and not only because it would be a one-sided debate: Expressions of satisfaction, even ones you believe to be muted, tend to be ill-received by those who are there to mourn.

Trusting that you can maintain a properly respectful tone, Miss Manners excuses you from attending the funeral only if your disagreement was strong enough that it precluded a civil meeting while you were both alive. In any other case, normal rules should apply, namely that one attends the funeral of those with whom one had a relationship, professional or otherwise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a modern technology dilemma. My mother FaceTimed me the other day to see my daughter eating (she's 5 months old). My boyfriend was sitting next to me on the couch, barely in view of the camera.

Neither my mother nor he acknowledged the other. Whose responsibility was it to say "hi" first? My mother was upset that he didn't say anything, but she also didn't say anything.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has such a rich history that when a new question arises, Miss Manners fishes into the past for precedent.

Here the crucial point is whether the situation you describe is basically a visit, although a virtual one, or instead a telephone call, but a visual one. If your mother were visiting your house, anyone obviously present would be required to greet her. If she is telephoning you, others present should not chime in unless specifically invited.

Miss Manners would consider it sensible to go with the telephone analogy, as your mother intended to visit you and your daughter. But this would require the gentleman to keep out of sight, and "barely in view" sounds as if he ought to move over.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it improper etiquette to show the flesh gum line above the teeth while smiling? Seeing someone smiling like that gives me a kind of disgusting feeling. Not about the person, but it's my perception when I see the gum while smiling.

GENTLE READER: Too bad. Innate physical characteristics are not properly subject to censure by others. Miss Manners does not want to hear what you think of seeing bodies on the beach that are not up to your standard of beauty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a friend's wedding with my grown children. The invitation reads "... celebrate our marriage" and then states the date and time, which is a morning wedding, followed by "no public reception."

Does this mean we need to bring a gift? And do you think this means we are only to attend the church service, since they are getting married in a local church? Would love your take on this.

GENTLE READER: Contrary to popular -- and crass -- belief, wedding presents are not payments for the consumption of champagne, wedding cake and such. They should be given voluntarily by those who wish the couple well, whether or not they attend the wedding.

But Miss Manners admits that her affection would be dampened by the peculiar notation on the invitation. Are they having a private reception to which you are not invited? Are they just trying to keep out the paparazzi?

Wedding receptions are not obligatory, but negative invitations are rude. Your friend need only have omitted any reference to having one -- and asked you to attend, rather than "to celebrate."

But in that case, they must have a receiving line before leaving the church, so that they can greet every one of their invited guests -- before they go off to celebrate with the people they really care about.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)