DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you write a five-star review about an awful experience?

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to? Or are you hoping that the review will be so brilliant that it will be considered five-star, even if the restaurant itself is terrible?

Miss Manners is certain that even in this current world, where everything is liked and rated, the critics themselves are generally not -- at least not until the rowdy and unsavory comment section.

To avoid becoming a victim of that, she advocates fairness. Candor is allowed; meanness is not. "Hygiene does not seem to be a priority at Cafe Bon Chance," for example, is preferable to, "Our waiter doesn't seem to have bathed since the Carter administration."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it reasonable to ask visiting children to help mine clean up the toys that were taken out during a play date (especially when it's a big mess)?

Our normal rule with our children is that toys must be put away before taking out others. I would like either to ask that child guests observe this or to ask them to help clean up toys before they leave. Play dates are valuable, but is the price for them cleaning up an overwhelming mess ourselves?

Is this reasonable, or do we need to make a better effort of making numerous toys unavailable prior to play dates? This would be rather difficult given all the toys are stored adjacent to the living room, with no door to close off the toy area.

GENTLE READER: Guests are generally expected to clean up after themselves. But if yours are small and need to be coerced into doing so -- to the best of their abilities -- Miss Manners will allow encouragement.

Leave 15 minutes before the end of the play date to announce, "OK, everyone, time to clean up! How many toys can you put away in 30 seconds? Woolworth, you are in charge of making sure that everything goes in the right place. Ready? Go!"

Expectations can be low here, but telling Woolworth that he is responsible for any extra cleanup when his guests are gone might encourage him to help with the coercion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in the country, near a large metropolitan area. Friends and relatives will often visit, usually unannounced. 

We tend to keep our furnace at 60 degrees. When they show up, I turn up the furnace. It is not really anyone's business that we do this for health, financial and environmental reasons. 

How do I deal with all of the people who want to tell me how my house temperature risks illness, or is "weird"? I welcome everyone who takes the trouble to come to my door, but I don't really want to hear lectures about how we live. I am naturally welcoming, but I am tired of guests trying to rearrange my life.

GENTLE READER: Unannounced guests are not, Miss Manners assures you, in a position to be dictating the circumstances they find when they show up. You might politely point this out. "Thank you for coming. Next time, if you give us notice, we will be sure to have the house already at the temperature you prefer, but I am afraid that this is the way we like it when you are not here."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine made some poor choices at work and was forced to resign from her company. I learned about this because it made national news.

I want my friend to know I still love her and am there to support her, but I don't know what to say. I have thought of writing her a letter of encouragement, but am at a loss for words. What do you say to someone you care about who has done something terrible?

GENTLE READER: Too many wives of power-abusing men are asking themselves this very question right now. The scope of the crime is paramount here -- and decisions about morality versus loyalty must be made.

There is, for example, a difference between a financial transgression and a human violation -- even if this distinction is only in the eyes of the friendship and not the law. "I was sorry to hear your news. I hope that you and your family are well" covers most categories. But Miss Manners suggests you resist adding, "Let us know if there is anything we can do" -- lest you find yourself suddenly subpoenaed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a couple months. Even though I tried to be prepared, and have received a lot of help, I am feeling very stressed trying to organize everything.

My best friend is getting married two weeks after I am, and I will be her matron of honor. We have been friends since we were babies, and are actively organizing events for each other and assisting with each other's planning, but it is a lot of stress!

I have another friend getting married in a year who is a bridesmaid in my wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor, and I said yes, but that I wouldn't be able to do anything until after my wedding and my friend's wedding.

Since I said this, I'm getting daily text messages about her wedding planning, emails from her mother about planning her bridal shower, and getting angry text messages if I don't respond immediately. She has threatened to remove me as matron of honor three times, but each time quickly changed her tune when I said that it is her choice and that I would understand. 

My stress level is very high, and I've long lost my patience with the daily messages about flower colors. I would like to remove myself from this wedding. Is there an appropriate way to do this? How could it affect her role in my wedding? 

GENTLE READER: It sounds to Miss Manners as if her withdrawal from your wedding might not be the worst thing to happen.

"No one understands as I do how important the difference is between avocado and chartreuse, and how much effort it takes to plan a wedding. As I mentioned, I am afraid that I am just incapable of making any important decisions right now until after my own and Tyra's weddings. So I absolutely understand if you find yourself too busy to partake in mine. We brides have to stick together."

With any luck, she will be so confused by this sentiment that she will slink off into her subtly hued wedding world without you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is a master at giving backhanded compliments. While I have been dealing with it for decades now, I still find myself having the perfect response at around 3 a.m. the next day and being irritated with myself that it still bothers me. It seems to be something she is unaware of or thinks is harmless.

I've tried a blank look in response, as well as my most blithe smile or a puzzled expression with the question, "What makes you say that?" What is most irritating when she (or anyone) does this is that the statements usually have a grain of truth but gross inaccuracies.

I do not wish to reward people with a response when they deliver a veiled insult, nor do I want to encourage further discussion by asking for clarification of what's been said. But I would ask you if there's a polite way to shut down a person when they seem to think it's OK to speak this way?

GENTLE READER: Not having specific examples to work with, Miss Manners has invented her own to clarify the different degrees of insult, which require different answers. Without asserting that backhanded compliments are distinct from veiled insults, the choice of one term over the other implies to Miss Manners a level of escalation.

"You look so good without your glasses," may imply that you look terrible with them on, but leaves too much doubt to justify retaliation. The compliment could be genuine, albeit awkward. "At least these glasses are an improvement on the old ones," makes the insult plain. A "thank you" delivered in such a chilly tone as to contradict the literal words, perhaps followed by moving to another part of the room, is fully justified.

Note that Miss Manners almost never allows the 3 a.m. response. It is invariably nastier and less witty than it sounds in the pre-dawn hours, and it rewards the offender by demonstrating anger, when understated contempt would be more effective in dissuading future repetition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any legal or common sense limitation on the number of giant plastic toys that a 1-, 2- or 3-year-old child should have? We have an infant in this category, with enough such toys to fill at least one nursery school.

Wouldn't it make more sense for someone to give cash or savings bonds for the future, when the child is old enough to buy things that he likes? Someday, the family will have to give away or sell the old toys to make room for the giant playthings of the future, possibly multiple times.

GENTLE READER: Now that the fever of the gift-giving holidays is a distant memory, Miss Manners would welcome a discussion among the "haves" of, "How much is enough?"

There will, however, have to be some ground rules. The first is not threatening generously intentioned relatives with legal action. The second is thinking about those who do not have mountains of toys. Civility is not inclined to abet children who throw a tantrum because they received the wrong present -- even if they are old enough to have children themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)