DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father passed away suddenly at the young age of 64. Knowing his preferences, we held a simple wake after his cremation.

My best friend, who has been in my life for nearly 20 years and thus knows my parents well, was unable to attend because it fell on her first wedding anniversary. I readily expressed my understanding when she told me this, though I privately thought that if the situation were reversed, I would have attended regardless.

During the wake, she texted me to thank me for allowing her to hold her wedding at my home the previous year. I found the message egocentric and inappropriate, and given the circumstances of the day, I was hurt that she didn't bother to acknowledge my family or our pain.

When I later expressed this to her, privately and in person, her response was that she shouldn't have to put her life on hold because I suffered a loss and that her intent was to honor me for my contribution to the beginning of her marriage.

What does etiquette dictate about communicating with individuals who are actively grieving? Am I wrong to feel that our loss should have been front and center for someone so close to us who obviously knew about the event?

GENTLE READER: Your best friend was honoring you by trying to distract you during your father's funeral, in order to dwell on her wedding?

Miss Manners sympathizes with you on your two losses, because surely you cannot consider that the act of a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I asked a colleague and friend of my partner, whom I had contact with on numerous occasions, if we could possibly stay at their private club/hotel. I did not clear the "ask" with my partner, btw. They had offered it several years back, and it was a lovely stay.

We hadn't seen this person in a year or so, but I reached out to ask if we could stay again with another couple for a very special occasion. Mind you, we pay the same as a hotel.

They responded no, they weren't comfortable with it. I'm mortified with myself for asking. I apologized at once and thanked them. Why do I feel humiliated? And frankly, I feel terrible for putting this person in clearly what turned out to be an uncomfortable place. And for not asking my partner first. I had been the one to interface last time, so why did I think it would be OK?

GENTLE READER: Well, why did you? You have only a distant connection with these people, and no justification for thinking that they should make their club available to you.

Miss Manners is truly not trying to make you feel worse, but only to point out that such feelings are useful in alerting you to your mistakes. You have done the right thing in apologizing, so it is time to appreciate the lesson and move past it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My lovely young teenage daughter enjoys taking our two friendly dogs for rambles in our large city, but she keeps encountering the same problem. Many people stop to admire and pet the dogs -- some of them grown men who use the opportunity to ask her personal questions she's uncomfortable answering (how old are you, what's your name, where do you go to school, etc.).

When she was younger, I told her to tell people who made her uncomfortable, "My mother told me not to talk to strangers" because anyone who refuses to honor that reveals himself as someone she ought not be talking to. But she feels she's too old to say that.

I'm not afraid for her safety -- our older dog is a true gentleman, but any indication of distress on the part of my daughter would change his demeanor completely -- but I want to provide her with the right thing to say that feels polite to people who are just making conversation but also gives her a way to deflect people, or questions, that give her a bad feeling. And I do think she should trust her feelings in those instances -- that's important.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. But as you already taught her the perfect thing to say, you need only teach her a new way to say it.

When a small child solemnly invokes a parental rule, she is not considered rude because she is reciting an important lesson. Miss Manners agrees that your daughter is too old to say it -- if she says it solemnly.

But if she says it with an apologetic twinkle, it will seem charming.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone wants a family member to help with something, should they scream the person's name as loudly as possible and hope the other person is within earshot, or should they get up and look for the other person? I'm not talking about an emergency situation, just something like they need help with the computer.

GENTLE READER: Until she got to the part about the computer, Miss Manners was going to recommend an active and gentle approach. But in her experience, someone with a computer problem can be in desperate shape, allowing for a piteous call for help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many restaurants play music at enormous volume. While I understand this on a Saturday night in a festive atmosphere, at other times it is distracting.

My husband and I often have Sunday brunch after church, and I would like to converse with him without shrieking. In such an instance when the music is blaring, I often ask the waiter politely if it would be possible to turn the music down. This bothers my husband, and he thinks I am being overly demanding. Is there another or better way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: It is not rude of you to ask, but neither would it be rude of the waiter not to comply, because of the house policy, based on the presumed wishes of other customers.

But you and Miss Manners are not the only people to consider conversation an essential part of going out. The time to inquire about the decibel level in a restaurant is when you make the reservation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: OK, so let's get down to business. There's this boy at school that I really like. The problem (among others) is that I'm a sophomore and he's a senior.

Don't get me wrong; we are actually good friends because of theater. But I'm afraid he'll only think of me as a little sister. Plus, I suspect he likes a junior at our school. He's very popular, kind and funny, but he was not embarrassed to be friends with me even when I was a freshman.

Do you have any tips or ideas on how I can become closer to him or something before the end of the year? Maybe how I can tell him how I feel about him without ruining everything? That's what I'm worried about -- him going away to college before I get the chance (or bravery) to tell him how I feel about him.

GENTLE READER: While ever an enthusiast of romance, there is a reason that Miss Manners favors the 19th-century kind. Yes, its plots can be slow-moving, but wrestling with feelings until one is certain of their reciprocation makes for far less heartbreak and regret.

However, since you have common interests, there is no reason that you cannot ask this young man for coffee to talk about theater -- or invite him to see a show. If he agrees, and does not invite a gaggle of friends along, you have fair indication that there might be interest.

But even if that turns out not to be true, Miss Manners assures you that a two-year gap will soon seem insignificant -- and little sister vibes have a way of changing. If his college is somewhere you'd genuinely be interested in exploring, you can always go visit -- and remind him of what he left behind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm the mom of two very young kids. They are often invited to birthday parties and are too young to be dropped off and left without a parent.

Several of these parties are held at restaurants at lunchtime, and I always find that food is provided for the kids but none is provided for the adults. Attending parents must either abstain from eating or purchase their own meals.

I find this to be rude on the host's part. My husband finds nothing wrong with it. Since we live on a tight budget, I've decided to no longer accept invitations for at-restaurant parties. Am I expecting something from the host that I shouldn't?

GENTLE READER: While eating leftovers from children's plates is a habit best left at home, these hosts seem to have given you little alternative. Miss Manners assures you that requiring attendance for a meal that is only being served to some of the guests is rude. Since toddlers probably couldn't care less about food as a means of entertainment, making it a central focus point seems nonsensical. She therefore permits you to forgo these festivities with a clear conscience. Send your husband to them instead.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)