DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was invited to a dear friend's 2-year-old daughter's birthday last year, I sent a text inquiring about her daughter's interests. Based on her response and my internet research, I selected a gift for her daughter.

A week and a half before the party, all the guests received an email stating that in lieu of gifts, they would like guests to bring diapers to donate to a local charity. When I arrived at the party I told them I had brought a gift for their daughter and asked where to put it. I was scolded by the hosts and by one of the cousins for bringing a gift.

While they have good hearts and are kind people, they made me feel as if I were rude, and I felt humiliated. I wanted to show everyone our text exchange to prove that I did not ignore their request and that I bought the present prior to their email. Instead I just apologized (for buying their daughter a gift!!!!).

Yesterday I received an invitation to her daughter's third birthday with no mention of a charity, and I am wary when it comes to buying another gift. Should I just wait to see if they send out another email? Should I ask them? And what should I have said last year instead of apologizing?

GENTLE READER: This sort of thing gives good works a bad name.

Do these people imagine that because they care about people in general they are entitled to be rude to people they actually know?

No, they are not kind people. They embarrassed you, a guest, for the crime of bringing their daughter a present.

As you are apparently willing to attend another such event, Miss Manners suggests you ask your dear friend what rules she is setting. Just do not ask her for etiquette advice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who insists that she has a year to send a wedding gift. I believe that with internet ordering, wedding registries that have free shipping, and the abundance of inexpensive, speedy delivery options available, this is an outdated concept. She is not sending her gift via Pony Express.

My contention is that these very delayed gifts lead to hurt feelings on the part of the recipient.

GENTLE READER: Outdated? Considering how short many marriages now are, Miss Manners would have thought this an especially timely and prudent rule. It has not been rescinded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out I will be receiving an inheritance from a boss whom I worked for for over eight years. I believe it is proper to send a thank-you note to his children after receipt, but I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Evidently your former boss greatly appreciated you, and what you owe his survivors is a full appreciation of him, rather than of the legacy. It should be a condolence letter rather than one of thanks, as you cannot thank the person who gave it to you. His generosity should of course be mentioned, but Miss Manners cautions you not to write as if it were that alone that prompted your letter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a sporting event that was part of an acquaintance's birthday celebration, I met her husband for the first time. Later, while I was surveying with dismay the long lines for food, I noticed that he was halfway through one of the lines. I was ecstatic at my good fortune!

I asked if he would purchase food for me and gave him a $20 bill. He returned and presented me with a plain hot dog (bun and hot dog only), which I estimate would have left a reasonable amount of change even at ball park prices. He made no mention of the change, which I thought was a bit odd. I didn't press the matter, but was left with an uneasy feeling.

Was I out of line to request the favor of such a new acquaintance? I did not specify whether I expected change or offer to buy him an item as part of the transaction. Was it rude of me to request the favor without offering him the option to use the change toward his own purchase? Was it my responsibility to inquire about the change when he returned and presented me with my very plain hot dog?

GENTLE READER: Even an old acquaintance would have trouble juggling an additional order of food, let alone stopping to slather ketchup, mustard and relish on it.

You could have offered to pay for the rest, if for no other reason than that figuring out change from different sources was likely to stall an already harried exchange --and irritate the people behind him. It is also possible that he intended to give you change, but forgot.

Miss Manners suggests that you let it go, next time saying, "I hope that it did not cause you problems -- and please don't bother about the change." Thereby you get credit for the outcome, while also giving him a chance to remedy the situation if he so chooses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I purchased our dream home after many years of hard work and sacrifices. Our 15-year-old new home is contemporary and modern in style, set on a scenic hill with a small lake across the way.

Many guests are happy and intrigued by its openness, exquisite style and location. But when family members visit and tour, we often hear: "This is not what I expected at all." What would you suggest as an appropriate response to this somewhat awkward statement?

GENTLE READER: "Thank you, we're so glad you like it."

Miss Manners notices that people who are incorrectly credited with being gracious never deny it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine wants me to wait until the last minute on a Saturday morning (I work full time, 9 to 5, Monday through Friday) to see if she wants to do something with me or not. I think this is very rude.

I would never even think of asking a person to hold an entire Saturday until I decided what to do at the last minute! How can I help this person see that her demand is unreasonable?

GENTLE READER: "If you are not able to commit to plans, perhaps we can schedule a time when you know you will be free. What does next summer look like?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughters, ages 7 and 8, and I are sometimes invited to a dinner with a family who has boys, ages 9 and 10, or another family with boys aged 8 and 10. We always have a lovely dinner, but then once the adults start talking, the boys take out their iPads and basically ignore my daughters.

I've taught my daughters that when we eat at someone's house, we are there to socialize with them and that it's not appropriate to play on a mobile phone or tablet, as that would be rude. So on the occasions that we eat with these families, my girls end up in tears because they feel ignored and eventually get super bored.

It's not that I expect the boys to entertain them, and I could send the girls with their own tablet. Am I being a rude guest, and should I just tote along a tablet for my girls to play on?

GENTLE READER: Before you resort to such measures, Miss Manners suggests you start out lower on the tech pole by instructing your daughters to bring board games or art materials discreetly. When the boys inevitably take out their tablets, instruct the girls to start a game or a (non-messy) art project, encouraging the others to play with them.

If that fails, at least your daughters will have something to occupy them -- until they quickly learn that staying at the table, listening to grown-ups' conversations is often the best entertainment of all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have come to learn that a few people did not receive their invitations to my wedding for one reason or another, and I only found out when I inquired about their RSVPs (I inquired after the posted RSVP date).

In most cases, the address was right, but they still did not get the invitation! I even double-checked the addresses myself, and my calligrapher checked that every address was correct and a legit postal address through the post office.

This got me thinking that when I send thank-you notes, how am I to be sure everyone got their notes? I do not have everyone's phone numbers and am wondering if I am supposed to follow up with the 170-plus people coming to my wedding regarding if they received my thank-you notes? I don't want anyone thinking I am ungrateful for their gift to us, and given the issue regarding some of the invitations, I am afraid they will not all get their thank-you notes. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: That your guests acquire better mail service. Or better excuses for not having responded.

Even with tangible evidence, it is not reasonable to expect that you check in with all recipients to make sure that they received your letters of thanks.

However, when you see each person next -- or at the reception if they sent the present early -- Miss Manners recommends that you make a point of thanking them again, adding, "I hope you got my letter. The post seems to be intercepting them." She does not allow this excuse, however, for those hoping to forgo writing them entirely. But nice try.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)