DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the best way to order something from a menu when the restaurant has given it a ridiculous name?

The restaurant calls the sandwich I want "Smack Yo Mama." It's stupid -- and I find it offensive. Do I just point at it in the menu and say, "I'll have that"? Or do I say, "I'll have the Smack Yo Mama without the side order of misogyny, please"?

GENTLE READER: Pointing is one option. Another is to read back the description that most menus find necessary when the name is so clever as to be unidentifiable:

"I would like the pastrami on rye with Tabasco, cayenne pepper and a side of pomme frites."

Miss Manners recommends reserving complaints for someone, such as a manager, who is in a position to make a change. If none is available, the suggestion box or the restaurant's comment section on its website will do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband had been widowed 10 years before we met. He had three early-adult children and I was divorced with one high-school-aged and one early college-aged children whom I raised by myself.

My entire family loves and includes my husband in every occasion. After nine years of marriage, with no conflicts between myself and my husband's family, my husband's children still exclude me from every occasion.

I was included on his son's wedding invitation as "and Fam," but I wasn't seated with family, given a place at the reception table or included in pictures. The couple's pet dog was given the place that the groom's father's wife would traditionally have been given -- I was given a folding chair in the kitchen doorway because there was no place card for me at any table.

I am not included in family holiday gatherings, although last year I was notified that I owed a significant amount for the rental of a cabin for a Christmas gathering that I wasn't invited to and didn't attend because I didn't know about it.

I have attended gatherings and grandchildren's birthday parties, even though I wasn't included on the invitations, and each time I have been treated as an outsider, again asked to step out of family photos.

I behave as graciously as possible, but it continues to be very uncomfortable for me, even though my husband doesn't see it that way. Today's invitation came again addressed to only my husband.

Is it rude for me not to attend? Is it inappropriate for me not to send a gift? My husband never gives a gift at all -- I have always been the one to give the gifts.

GENTLE READER: How can it be rude not to attend an event to which you were not invited?

But when you say there have been "no conflicts" between yourself and your husband's family, Miss Manners can only conclude that you use the term in a very literal sense. There is an enormous conflict -- whether or not your husband is able to see it, and whether or not you are too gracious to make a scene.

Families have been broken by lesser provocations than those you describe. If your husband is unable or unwilling to defend you, you need no excuse to decline invitations that were never made.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to interact with people whom one does not care to socialize with? I feel that it is to limit the social interactions and to be polite when I do see them. My husband disagrees; he says this is "being fake."

You see, I don't care for several of my husband's close friends. They are my/his former co-workers, and I have very little in common with them. I feel very uncomfortable at gatherings, as I do not like to drink alcohol excessively.

When I do see them, I feel I am as polite as possible. My husband is angry with me. He says they like me, and I should attend more functions with him. However, I have absolutely no desire to see these people on a regular basis. I do feel guilty that these people may have mistaken my courtesy for friendship.

Do you see the dilemma I'm in? My patience is worn thin at this point. How do I maintain these boundaries without appearing snobby or impolite?

GENTLE READER: As you have distanced yourself from these people in a way that is apparently both successful and polite, Miss Manners recommends that you continue to do so.

The problem is with your husband, who inexplicably thinks that faking an affinity you do not feel would be more genuine. You might point out to him -- with whom you can be explicit about your preferences -- that your being more honest with his friends would increase his problems with them, not the reverse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My new partner and I receive invitations from my friends and family for dinners and social events. They are happy for me in my new relationship and want to meet him. My partner does not enjoy casual socializing, and is adamant about not wanting to go.

That is mostly fine with me, so we have agreed that I will let him know occasions that are important to me that I would like him to attend. He's fine with that and has done so. He is retired from a successful professional career, is a happy guy who engages in sports and activities he enjoys, and we have an active life together.

I think his dislike of socializing is in response to many years of required attendance at business and personal affairs (he is a widower). I am happy to attend alone, but the oblique excuses I make for him are making me feel uncomfortable. Please help me with a response that is truthful but fair to him and will not offend the invitees.

GENTLE READER: What you need is a series of responses to deal with the rude, but unfortunately predictable, follow-ups to an initial refusal.

Answer No. 1: "Edwin is so sorry but he will not be able to attend." Answer No. 2: "He just can't. He's so tied up right now."

Answer No. 3: "I realize that. He would love to have come, but it's just not possible."

Miss Manners trusts you to follow the pattern and improvise more as necessary without resorting to, "Edwin hates your barbecues and now I'm not coming either."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would one go about staying polite when leaving an unpleasant situation, such as involuntarily receiving something unwanted or bad news?

If I am pulled over for having a tail light out and receive a ticket, I don't want to say "Thank you" or "Have a nice day" -- because really, who wants a ticket? -- but I'd still want to be respectful and polite.

GENTLE READER: How about "I'm very sorry, officer, and I assure you it won't happen again"? Miss Manners promises you that this is more effective than "Why aren't you out catching real criminals?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not long ago, a committee was appointed to investigate claims of racism and racial discrimination in our community.

After reading a newspaper article describing the rather polarizing language the committee used to present its mission to the public, I felt led to respond with a letter to the editor decrying that language and also pointing out a local instance of institutional racism overlooked by the committee.

You may imagine my surprise at reading an open reply on the same editorial page from a member of the committee summoning me to a meeting of the committee to defend my remarks.

Given that my telephone number is published and my email and snail mail addresses are common knowledge, I felt this was a highly unusual way to send me such a targeted invitation, which I find necessary to decline due to a conflict with my evening work hours.

Am I stuck in a time warp where I have missed a tectonic shift in the etiquette of issuing invitations? I trust not.

GENTLE READER: Were you too busy at work to look up how to correspond directly with this committee or its members?

The etiquette rule that eludes you is to respond in kind. You send an email invitation, you get an email response. You send an engraved card by post, you should get a response by post. Miss Manners noticed that your challenge was made in the newspaper, where the committee had stated its mission. So you are the one who made the dispute public.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteer with my local hospice, where I'm assigned one patient/family at a time who I visit weekly in the home, sometimes for many months. These relationships become very special and dear to all of us.

Many times the family will want to give me a gift at the holidays or at the end of the assignment. I explain that it's against policy to take gifts, and try to encourage them to consider donating to the hospice.

Sometimes they insist, and, for one spouse, my polite refusal was adding to his grief. A couple times I've been given $100 gift cards, which I turned over to the volunteer coordinator so they could be given to patients/families in need. I sent thank-you notes to the families, but did not mention that I had given away the cards.

Is this the right thing to do? Is there anything I can say to refuse these gifts and still show my thanks for their allowing me to be part of such a difficult, yet precious, time?

GENTLE READER: You are doing it. And you strike Miss Manners as the kind of person we would all want at our bedsides when dying.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)