DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to interact with people whom one does not care to socialize with? I feel that it is to limit the social interactions and to be polite when I do see them. My husband disagrees; he says this is "being fake."

You see, I don't care for several of my husband's close friends. They are my/his former co-workers, and I have very little in common with them. I feel very uncomfortable at gatherings, as I do not like to drink alcohol excessively.

When I do see them, I feel I am as polite as possible. My husband is angry with me. He says they like me, and I should attend more functions with him. However, I have absolutely no desire to see these people on a regular basis. I do feel guilty that these people may have mistaken my courtesy for friendship.

Do you see the dilemma I'm in? My patience is worn thin at this point. How do I maintain these boundaries without appearing snobby or impolite?

GENTLE READER: As you have distanced yourself from these people in a way that is apparently both successful and polite, Miss Manners recommends that you continue to do so.

The problem is with your husband, who inexplicably thinks that faking an affinity you do not feel would be more genuine. You might point out to him -- with whom you can be explicit about your preferences -- that your being more honest with his friends would increase his problems with them, not the reverse.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My new partner and I receive invitations from my friends and family for dinners and social events. They are happy for me in my new relationship and want to meet him. My partner does not enjoy casual socializing, and is adamant about not wanting to go.

That is mostly fine with me, so we have agreed that I will let him know occasions that are important to me that I would like him to attend. He's fine with that and has done so. He is retired from a successful professional career, is a happy guy who engages in sports and activities he enjoys, and we have an active life together.

I think his dislike of socializing is in response to many years of required attendance at business and personal affairs (he is a widower). I am happy to attend alone, but the oblique excuses I make for him are making me feel uncomfortable. Please help me with a response that is truthful but fair to him and will not offend the invitees.

GENTLE READER: What you need is a series of responses to deal with the rude, but unfortunately predictable, follow-ups to an initial refusal.

Answer No. 1: "Edwin is so sorry but he will not be able to attend." Answer No. 2: "He just can't. He's so tied up right now."

Answer No. 3: "I realize that. He would love to have come, but it's just not possible."

Miss Manners trusts you to follow the pattern and improvise more as necessary without resorting to, "Edwin hates your barbecues and now I'm not coming either."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would one go about staying polite when leaving an unpleasant situation, such as involuntarily receiving something unwanted or bad news?

If I am pulled over for having a tail light out and receive a ticket, I don't want to say "Thank you" or "Have a nice day" -- because really, who wants a ticket? -- but I'd still want to be respectful and polite.

GENTLE READER: How about "I'm very sorry, officer, and I assure you it won't happen again"? Miss Manners promises you that this is more effective than "Why aren't you out catching real criminals?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not long ago, a committee was appointed to investigate claims of racism and racial discrimination in our community.

After reading a newspaper article describing the rather polarizing language the committee used to present its mission to the public, I felt led to respond with a letter to the editor decrying that language and also pointing out a local instance of institutional racism overlooked by the committee.

You may imagine my surprise at reading an open reply on the same editorial page from a member of the committee summoning me to a meeting of the committee to defend my remarks.

Given that my telephone number is published and my email and snail mail addresses are common knowledge, I felt this was a highly unusual way to send me such a targeted invitation, which I find necessary to decline due to a conflict with my evening work hours.

Am I stuck in a time warp where I have missed a tectonic shift in the etiquette of issuing invitations? I trust not.

GENTLE READER: Were you too busy at work to look up how to correspond directly with this committee or its members?

The etiquette rule that eludes you is to respond in kind. You send an email invitation, you get an email response. You send an engraved card by post, you should get a response by post. Miss Manners noticed that your challenge was made in the newspaper, where the committee had stated its mission. So you are the one who made the dispute public.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteer with my local hospice, where I'm assigned one patient/family at a time who I visit weekly in the home, sometimes for many months. These relationships become very special and dear to all of us.

Many times the family will want to give me a gift at the holidays or at the end of the assignment. I explain that it's against policy to take gifts, and try to encourage them to consider donating to the hospice.

Sometimes they insist, and, for one spouse, my polite refusal was adding to his grief. A couple times I've been given $100 gift cards, which I turned over to the volunteer coordinator so they could be given to patients/families in need. I sent thank-you notes to the families, but did not mention that I had given away the cards.

Is this the right thing to do? Is there anything I can say to refuse these gifts and still show my thanks for their allowing me to be part of such a difficult, yet precious, time?

GENTLE READER: You are doing it. And you strike Miss Manners as the kind of person we would all want at our bedsides when dying.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law's sofa has so many throw pillows on it that there is no room to sit. What is the proper thing to do when invited to sit down:

Throw one or more pillows on the floor? Move one or more pillows to the back of the sofa? Perch uncomfortably on the edge of the sofa? The last option is what I have been doing, but there must be a better way.

GENTLE READER: Well, they are called throw pillows.

Miss Manners cannot advise you to litter your mother-in-law's floor with the pesky things, tempting as that may be. At least when hotels and hosts litter the beds with extraneous pillows, you can swipe them off and replace them in the morning with no one the wiser.

Your situation comes under survival tactics, such as when a restaurant customer is served food without the proper utensils to attack it. Which is to say, ask for help and if none is forthcoming, solve the problem yourself.

In this case, you would pleasantly ask your mother-in-law where you might put the extra pillows -- perhaps she would like some for her chair? If that fails, make a neat little pile of pillows and sit either to one side, or perch on top of them like a crow on a dung heap.

Or, for heaven's sake, pick another place to sit, perhaps racing your mother-in-law to her favorite chair.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter quickly realized (on the night of her wedding, no less) that her choice for a husband was not going to work out, and we are left with the task of returning gifts, checks and cash.

Does etiquette require us to offer an explanation when returning said gift, or is no explanation and a thank-you for coming all that is necessary?

GENTLE READER: It strikes Miss Manners as odd to thank people for going to a wedding that the bride either skipped or wishes she had not attended.

Your daughter does owe wedding guests an explanation, but the only proper one is, "It was a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage." This will drive people crazy, especially considering the timing, but that is their problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started dating someone whose out-of-context singing, humming and whistling deeply irritate me. I realize this is a joyful act, so I do have some guilt about feeling annoyed with him.

Last weekend we were on a crowded train back to the city, and when he started it up again, I (sweetly) asked him to stop. I found it especially inconsiderate and bothersome because I'm sure other people, absorbed in their own conversations, books, etc., didn't want to hear him either. I could tell my request hurt his feelings and offended him.

More than the actual act, my concern is that he is inconsiderate and lacks self-awareness. Or, maybe worse, that I've become uptight and intolerant. Am I wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Are you wrong to date someone who has a habit that drives you crazy, but who is unwilling or unable to drop it? Yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)