DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would one go about staying polite when leaving an unpleasant situation, such as involuntarily receiving something unwanted or bad news?

If I am pulled over for having a tail light out and receive a ticket, I don't want to say "Thank you" or "Have a nice day" -- because really, who wants a ticket? -- but I'd still want to be respectful and polite.

GENTLE READER: How about "I'm very sorry, officer, and I assure you it won't happen again"? Miss Manners promises you that this is more effective than "Why aren't you out catching real criminals?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not long ago, a committee was appointed to investigate claims of racism and racial discrimination in our community.

After reading a newspaper article describing the rather polarizing language the committee used to present its mission to the public, I felt led to respond with a letter to the editor decrying that language and also pointing out a local instance of institutional racism overlooked by the committee.

You may imagine my surprise at reading an open reply on the same editorial page from a member of the committee summoning me to a meeting of the committee to defend my remarks.

Given that my telephone number is published and my email and snail mail addresses are common knowledge, I felt this was a highly unusual way to send me such a targeted invitation, which I find necessary to decline due to a conflict with my evening work hours.

Am I stuck in a time warp where I have missed a tectonic shift in the etiquette of issuing invitations? I trust not.

GENTLE READER: Were you too busy at work to look up how to correspond directly with this committee or its members?

The etiquette rule that eludes you is to respond in kind. You send an email invitation, you get an email response. You send an engraved card by post, you should get a response by post. Miss Manners noticed that your challenge was made in the newspaper, where the committee had stated its mission. So you are the one who made the dispute public.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteer with my local hospice, where I'm assigned one patient/family at a time who I visit weekly in the home, sometimes for many months. These relationships become very special and dear to all of us.

Many times the family will want to give me a gift at the holidays or at the end of the assignment. I explain that it's against policy to take gifts, and try to encourage them to consider donating to the hospice.

Sometimes they insist, and, for one spouse, my polite refusal was adding to his grief. A couple times I've been given $100 gift cards, which I turned over to the volunteer coordinator so they could be given to patients/families in need. I sent thank-you notes to the families, but did not mention that I had given away the cards.

Is this the right thing to do? Is there anything I can say to refuse these gifts and still show my thanks for their allowing me to be part of such a difficult, yet precious, time?

GENTLE READER: You are doing it. And you strike Miss Manners as the kind of person we would all want at our bedsides when dying.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law's sofa has so many throw pillows on it that there is no room to sit. What is the proper thing to do when invited to sit down:

Throw one or more pillows on the floor? Move one or more pillows to the back of the sofa? Perch uncomfortably on the edge of the sofa? The last option is what I have been doing, but there must be a better way.

GENTLE READER: Well, they are called throw pillows.

Miss Manners cannot advise you to litter your mother-in-law's floor with the pesky things, tempting as that may be. At least when hotels and hosts litter the beds with extraneous pillows, you can swipe them off and replace them in the morning with no one the wiser.

Your situation comes under survival tactics, such as when a restaurant customer is served food without the proper utensils to attack it. Which is to say, ask for help and if none is forthcoming, solve the problem yourself.

In this case, you would pleasantly ask your mother-in-law where you might put the extra pillows -- perhaps she would like some for her chair? If that fails, make a neat little pile of pillows and sit either to one side, or perch on top of them like a crow on a dung heap.

Or, for heaven's sake, pick another place to sit, perhaps racing your mother-in-law to her favorite chair.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter quickly realized (on the night of her wedding, no less) that her choice for a husband was not going to work out, and we are left with the task of returning gifts, checks and cash.

Does etiquette require us to offer an explanation when returning said gift, or is no explanation and a thank-you for coming all that is necessary?

GENTLE READER: It strikes Miss Manners as odd to thank people for going to a wedding that the bride either skipped or wishes she had not attended.

Your daughter does owe wedding guests an explanation, but the only proper one is, "It was a mutual decision to dissolve the marriage." This will drive people crazy, especially considering the timing, but that is their problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started dating someone whose out-of-context singing, humming and whistling deeply irritate me. I realize this is a joyful act, so I do have some guilt about feeling annoyed with him.

Last weekend we were on a crowded train back to the city, and when he started it up again, I (sweetly) asked him to stop. I found it especially inconsiderate and bothersome because I'm sure other people, absorbed in their own conversations, books, etc., didn't want to hear him either. I could tell my request hurt his feelings and offended him.

More than the actual act, my concern is that he is inconsiderate and lacks self-awareness. Or, maybe worse, that I've become uptight and intolerant. Am I wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Are you wrong to date someone who has a habit that drives you crazy, but who is unwilling or unable to drop it? Yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his fiancee decided they wanted a no-frills wedding at the beach: just him, his bride and, lucky for us, as parents we were at least invited. I was disappointed, as I would have liked to have had a wedding for our family and friends, but it's ultimately about what they want for themselves.

Our relatives who live out of state were slighted that there wasn't a wedding as well. While many acquaintances and not-close family members posted congratulations on social media, none of the immediate aunts and uncles acknowledged their wedding with a phone call or even a card. I'm upset with my sisters and brothers and in-laws that such an important day in the life of someone they claim to love so much went by without even a phone call within the month following.

When did social media become the accepted way for people who are family or close to you to send their wishes? While they were disappointed to not be given the chance to attend his wedding (it was planned in two weeks), my son is even more disappointed by their lack of interest.

GENTLE READER: As entertaining as this game of "Who was more slighted?" may be -- particularly when played out with an audience on social media -- there appear to be no winners. Miss Manners further questions how these family members might have even known about the wedding, had it not presumably been posted on social media in the first place.

If that is the case, they were simply responding in kind. If cards and calls were the goal, however, then you and/or your son should have sent out formal announcements or made personal phone calls with the news. If that was what was done and the aforementioned postings were the response from your relatives, then forgive Miss Manners. Your son does, indeed, win the award for most justified grievance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My colleague, Devon, loves to tell ribald jokes around the office. He often has us in stitches.

One thing I cannot stand, however, is when Devon makes me the butt of gay jokes in mixed company, essentially outing me. While I make no effort to hide my sexuality, I do believe I reserve the right as to how and to whom I disclose my orientation.

Although I have talked with him before about my feelings, his barbs continue apace. Short of reporting him to management, how might I find a lasting solution to this problem?

GENTLE READER: You could go just short of reporting him to management. That is, you can say, "I am sure that you mean it in jest, but management has started to crack down on jokes about sexuality and other protected classes. They might view this as harassment, and I would not want you to get fired."

For all our sakes, Miss Manners hopes that your erstwhile friend does not then seek a new audience by taking his humor public.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)