DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just hosted a New Year's party for my close circle of friends. First, let me say that we had a fabulous time, and it was the perfect way to ring in the new year. But as I was cleaning up, it occurred to me that most everything I bought for the party was still here.

The invitation stated that I would provide wine, beer, mixers, garnishes and desserts, and invited guests to bring one appetizer and any other beverage they might prefer. Most brought their own wine, some brought their own desserts, and some brought several things.

Therefore, there was way too much food left over, and most of what I had provided in the way of wine, beer and desserts remained untouched. I can't help but think of the unnecessary expense -- something I dislike along with excess. So, am I being too picky and unrealistic expecting people to follow what I thought were clear instructions?

GENTLE READER: If you want to assert the host's privilege of controlling the menu, the way to do so is to provide all the refreshments. It is not by ordering take-out from your guests, as if this were a cooperative party that you had all agreed upon giving together.

Miss Manners realizes that such demands are often made. It has gotten to where other hosts complain that guests often show up with unrequested food and insist upon it being served, thus sabotaging the host's efforts. (Miss Manners advises them to accept these offerings as presents for their future use, and whisk them out of sight.)

But you should realize that to solicit offerings is to cede control. People will then bring what they find easiest or they want to consume themselves. And many of them tell Miss Manners that they are not thrilled to accept an invitation only to find that it is, as you worded it, an invitation to contribute to the larder.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I co-hosted a business function, an "appreciation dinner" for about 50 of our customers. The invitees wore traditional office attire, as did I. The invitations did not specify dress.

To my dismay, my male co-host arrived in a tuxedo. I know this was obviously improper, but as my co-host is also my superior, I had no idea how to handle the situation. While I realized he looked like a boob, my concern was what to say when asked by several guests, "Oh, am I underdressed? Is this black tie?"

In most instances, this was said with a laugh, so I didn't know if they were sharing the joke, or if they were truly uncomfortable in thinking that they had underdressed.

Is there something I could have said? I know my superior thought himself quite the dandy, so I know it will happen again next year. All I had to offer them was a rather lame, "You look just great! Can I get you something to drink?"

GENTLE READER: Try as she will, Miss Manners can think of no way you can rescue someone who is determined to dress improperly: "Oh, it's just that his New Year's Eve party went on rather long and he didn't have time to change"?

So you were right not to address the matter, but to treat the guests' remarks as if they were serious and offer them some offhand reassurance and a change of focus.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 25, and this Christmas I got everything I asked for and then much, much more from my parents. I got expensive concert tickets and a diamond necklace on top of everything else.

I am so grateful, but when I open expensive gifts, I feel guilty because my parents do not buy themselves or each other any gifts. In fact, they hardly get any gifts for Christmas.

I do buy them gifts, but nothing near the level of what they give me, especially this year. I just can't afford it, and they know this. Then to top it off, my mom said, "Oh I was gonna buy myself the necklace I got you because I liked it so much, but I decided not to."

I said, "You should have! You deserve it!" But she shrugs it off. I tried saying, "You should buy yourself something nice; I know you could use a new camera. I am an adult; I don't want anything big this year." She said, "I do need a new camera, but they are so expensive!" She is right, and the kind she would like is way outside my budget. I suggested she and my father exchange gifts, but she claims they already agreed not to.

I know she is happy to give and her intentions are good, but it is not what I want. I want to see them open something that would make them happy. I wish they would understand that expensive stuff doesn't make me happy.

I was thinking I want to give her the necklace she gave me. It's beautiful and I know she will wear it more than me. It is not something I could ever afford to buy her. However, I am afraid she would be offended if I offer. Is it rude or selfish?

GENTLE READER: If you were in an O. Henry story, you would sell the necklace and use the money to buy your mother the camera. You would not tell her, but if she found out, you would explain that you know she wants to make you happy, and that is what makes you happy.

Miss Manners realizes that this violates her rule against rejecting presents. But while it is hard to say that someone who gives -- or wants to give back -- a diamond necklace is selfish, this one came with a hook, in addition to its clasp. You need to deal with the underlying issue, because it is going to keep recurring.

Alternatively, you could say that you want to share the necklace with her, and that it would have more meaning to you if she wore it first. And you should stop asking for presents -- unless you ask for something, like the camera, that would make you happy because it would enable you to give it to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend just emailed that her housemaid threw out my holiday gift! How do I politely respond?

GENTLE READER: Not by sending another present, which is the only motive Miss Manners can imagine that your friend had for mentioning this. You need only say, "What a shame. I had hoped you would like it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a variety of reasons that are too tedious to recount here, chiefly involving in-laws, we are estranged from our only child. We now have a 9-month-old grandchild whom we have yet to see.

We gave a gift at the baby shower, and were later told, “We don’t want anymore of your cheap

*t. You have to understand that if you send anything more, we’ll return it for cash.” The gift was actually ordered in from Europe, from a rather sought-after store.

A very dear relative has sought to repair the damages by inviting us all for Christmas.

We plan to make a donation to a charity in the name of our child, spouse and grandchild as a Christmas gift. We feel this will spare them the unenviable task of returning an unwanted gift, and will also help the less fortunate. This will be our plan going forward. We feel that an active and real demonstration of concern for the less fortunate may be of great long-term benefit to our grandchild.

Might Miss Manners have advice on the best way to present this donation? We think an email to our estranged child et al. from the charity will not be good. In order to avoid the “cheap

*t “ designation, it will be in the four-figure range. We are thinking of putting the thank-you letter from the charity in a shirt-size box, wrapped attractively.

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that a tremendous amount of effort -- and money -- is being put into a present that will clearly never be enough. Your child is trying to hurt and offend you, and rather than continue the effort to solve the bigger problem, you are taking the bait. This is both impractical and expensive. You are not going to win.

Your child will likely say that this is not a charity they support, and Miss Manners cannot say she would blame them. Donations given to charities in another person’s name are not true presents.

Miss Manners suggests that you make the radical move of not bringing anything at all, and simply focus on repairing the relationship. She does not promise that this will not be met with equal grievance at coming to the holidays empty-handed, but at that point, you can accurately say, “We do not seem to be able to please you. Perhaps when we begin to become reacquainted, we will have a better sense of what you and Baby Tilly would most like.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes acquaintances like to infantilize my name, calling me “Davey” instead of Dave. I hate being called Davey, so I nip that in the bud, especially because others will see it as an acceptable address.

However, an older friend can’t seem to help himself, sporadically calling me Davey. I’ve reminded him many times. My plan is to just ignore him next time he says it, or respond in a way he’ll remember, such as, “Yes, A-wipe” or something similar. Your suggestion?

GENTLE READER: That you respond, “Yes, Mr. A-wipe.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)