DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a dinner at my home for some close friends, and one texted the day before to let me know that she would not be able to attend; however, her husband would still be able to make it. They had taken it upon themselves to invite a friend of theirs named Bert in her place.

I had met Bert on prior occasions and have always been appalled at his rude manners. Anything from lecturing me about my “obesity” to arrogantly correcting anyone within earshot is the norm for him.

My friends seem oblivious to his behavior, even though it happens right in front of them. He has chased away many guests at their home, due to his sharp words. While I can simply remove myself from his presence at their gatherings (or more often, I don’t attend many of their gatherings anymore), I would not have the same option at my own table. I certainly would not want to subject my guests to his belligerent attitude.

The fact is, he is not welcome in my home. I was in a very difficult situation, since my friends had already issued the invitation. I couldn’t use the excuse that I wouldn’t have room at the table, as the wife would be absent and Bert would be occupying her spot.

I told her that I didn’t mean to be offensive, however, I needed to be able to trust that Bert would refrain from being rude to me and to my guests. She was taken aback, as she insists that he is “a sweet guy.”

I happen to know that several others have disagreed with her on this point over the years. In the end, the husband and Bert did not show up, and my friend is quite offended. I’m sure that I could have handled it better, but I’m at a loss as to what could have been said. Whenever anyone has tried to discuss the topic with her, she completely denies it and is very insulted. How could I have politely conveyed that it is not appropriate to invite someone else to my home, especially someone that I don’t even like?

GENTLE READER: The specific problem you mentioned is simpler to answer than the general problem you propose. Rather than exact a pledge for Bert’s behavior, you could have -- if you feel as strongly about Bert as you indicate -- apologized, but explained that Bert is not among the guests you invite to your home.

This creates a problem for the friend who violated this rule by inviting him, but not for you. And while the answer may upset her, Miss Manners notes that your less direct approach had the same effect. Less extreme situations require less direct answers, with a less guaranteed result: “You know how Bert is an acquired taste, and while we should definitely get together, my other guests are very sensitive and will not get his sense of humor.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my daughter and son-in-law were on their way over for Christmas, they called to ask if I minded if they brought their roommate, who had no family and no other plans for the holiday.

While I did not want to be rude, especially on Christmas, I did feel like I was put on the spot. I explained to my daughter and son-in-law that while I empathized with their roommate’s situation, I felt Christmas should be more intimate and was to be shared with family. After all, this was my daughter’s and son-in law’s first Christmas as a married couple. Was I wrong to tell them to leave the roommate at home?

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that you have a strange idea about the meaning of Christmas: that it involves excluding stranded outsiders. That is not the general interpretation. Nor is it held by your daughter and son-in-law, whose exclusivity you say you wanted to protect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have wonderful in-laws, whom I adore. They are always willing to give us a hand on home improvements, which is saying a lot, as they live several hundred miles away. I consider myself lucky. There’s just one thing that bothers me when they visit, and I wonder if I should just let it go, or if it can be solved.

Both my in-laws fall asleep in the living room during the day. The problem isn’t that they sleep -- it’s that my mother-in-law, especially, snores. The sound of snoring just grates on me, especially if I’m watching something or trying to focus.

We have perfectly adequate guest rooms, with beds that are always fully made. I’ve asked my husband to suggest that they nap in those rooms, but he refuses. Is there a polite way to ask them to nap upstairs during the day, or should I just deal with it for the time that they are here?

GENTLE READER: It is difficult to remember that people do not snore on purpose, and are not even aware that they are doing so. So while Miss Manners understands the urge to smack them awake, please keep in mind that these are your wonderful in-laws as well as your guests, and refrain from doing so.

You can announce “nap time,” as if you, too, were going to catch one, and you can assure them that they will be more comfortable upstairs. But if they do not intend to nap, and just doze off, they may not move.

In that case, can you? You could go upstairs, or busy yourself in the kitchen or another room until the noise subsides.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some family members came to our holiday celebration and ate almost nothing. The explanation given was that they had been hungry, and ate at a restaurant before arriving. What should we do and say next time, if anything? We enjoy getting the family together, but this behavior is hurtful to the hosts who have worked hard to prepare the meal and get the family together.

GENTLE READER: Say nothing and be grateful for your extra desserts. Miss Manners does not approve of scolding even thoughtless guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: You give and collect “Likes” and comments on social media. You are not able to buy a tube of toothpaste without being asked, by the business selling it, to evaluate the experience. So you understand the importance of feedback.

Why, then, do you resist writing letters of thanks? That is feedback. Miss Manners would not think it much of a leap to realize that people who take the time and trouble to send you presents want to know how you reacted.

Well, not exactly, which is undoubtedly part of the problem. They do not want to hear that it is the wrong color, the wrong size, something you already have, something not on the list of things you ordered, or something for which you have no use. They want to know that their effort has been successful. They want a Like.

That, too, is part of the problem. You cannot accomplish the task with one click, although some have tried that. You must compose some sentences.

But that, too, should be a concept with which you are familiar: personalization. If, for example, the presents are for your wedding, you will have spent months fussing with ideas of how to personalize the event. How much time did you spend just on deciding what your personal cocktail (whatever that means) should be?

Of course, that experience might have misled you to believe that personalization was all about displaying yourselves. And that therefore, what your generous friends need in return is a photograph of you at the wedding they attended (whenever those come back from the photographer).

Really, all you need is a plain sheet of paper. Cards printed with “Thank you” only point out the fact that thanking is a chore done by rote. So does opening with “Thank you for the ...”

Then you must write something personal -- no, no, not about you again, but about the recipient of the letter and the present that person sent. How kind that person was to think of you, and how thoughtful the present.

Yes, it was, even if you didn’t like it. Your benefactor had to think of you, even if guessing wrong about what would delight you. Letters of thanks are not the occasion to unload your complaints. Everyone needs some positive feedback, and it is in your interest to encourage generous people, who at any rate deserve it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband loves to talk to people. When he talks with men, it doesn’t bother me, but when he talks with women, I feel self-conscious. I would like you to tell me the proper way to act when this happens.

GENTLE READER: What you should do is to act delighted that your husband is enjoying himself and either join the conversation, if it interests you, or drift away and talk to someone else, male or female.

But Miss Manners supposes that before you are able to do that, you must examine the source of your discomfort. What harm do you think he is causing? Do you have experience or serious reason to believe that he is betraying you during these conversations?

If so, you should deal with that. But if not, you are the one who is harming the marriage by seeking to curtail his innocent enjoyment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)