DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s siblings agreed that my husband could have their father’s home -- since he is the one who stayed in town to take care of his elderly parents -- as long as they could stay at the house when they come to see their father, who is in a nursing home.

We usually take a vacation during their visits, as we can’t get away otherwise; we don’t want to leave him without regular visitors at the nursing home. Before the in-laws arrive, I clean my entire house and stock the refrigerator with homemade casseroles, snacks and drinks, and prepare dinners for when we are home with them.

When we returned from our last trip, you’d have thought someone had ransacked our home. They left crumbs, cups and dishes all over the house and spilled things all over the kitchen counters, stove and floors. One of them left her used adult diapers in a plastic bag on the bathroom floor. They even unplugged our freezer and didn’t plug it back in properly, and we had to throw away hundreds of dollars in food.

I spent four days after work trying to get things back in shape. I was an emotional wreck, and hurt that they were so disrespectful to me. My husband said this is how they live, and because they let us have the house, we have to put up with it. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That it would be less expensive to buy a new house.

Miss Manners is reluctant to say it, but if moving is not an option, you may have to hold out until the house is officially bequeathed to you, if and when that happens. At that point, it will be your decision whether you want to invite them to stay with you or not.

In the meantime, you may say, “I know that we all have sentimental attachment to this home, so I think that it’s in all of our best interests to keep it in the best shape possible.” One can only hope that the prospect of being its future owners will motivate them to treat it more kindly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend from high school who I had not seen in many years. His wife had recently died (tragically, by suicide).

Normally, I would have approached the friend and said, “Hey, Mark. Good to see you again. How have you been?” That would not have been appropriate in this situation. What would have been the best way to greet him and then express my condolences?

GENTLE READER: “How have you been?” would have been fine, if said in a sympathetic tone. Then you could have said how sorry you were.

But condolence letters express the sentiments that may be more difficult to do in person, and you can still send him one. Then when you see him next, you may inquire about his health in the normal fashion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed that after having a tweet go viral, many users leave their cash transaction app addresses below the tweet as a sort of virtual tip jar. I usually leave a tip if I find it funny, as I would at a restaurant with good service.

A friend recently told me he does not tip, no matter how much he enjoys the tweet. I feel like this is rude and devalues comedic expression. He believes that a tweet, regardless of content, probably doesn’t deserve his money. Who is in the right here?

GENTLE READER: Well, it seems that “free speech” is, in fact, dead. What an amusing new twist on that notion.

Miss Manners understands that social media is often used as a platform to try out comedic material. If and when that material is transferred to the stage or page, its authors should be duly compensated. In the meantime, they need not be paid for the rough draft.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The nephew of one of our family friends came to visit from another part of the country. We are both 15 years old and white. I was surprised that the N-word was a normal part of his vocabulary, but I’ve made no move to stop him from using it, because he didn’t seem to have malicious intent.

It’s his first time away from home, and since he’s our guest, it would be rude to correct him. Were he an adult, I would have no issue telling him how offensive and unacceptable the term is. I feel torn between trying to spare his feelings and trying to spare others’ feelings in the future. I found myself wondering, “What would Miss Manners do?”

GENTLE READER: While it is generous of you to presume the best of your acquaintance, it is impossible to separate the word he is using from its malicious intent. It is inherently meant to offend.

Rather than your age being a hindrance, Miss Manners finds it uniquely suited as a means of peer pressure: “I was taught never to use that word, and I think you will find it’s considered horribly offensive here. Other kids are likely to feel the same, and I would not want you to feel ostracized.” You will thereby be showing him the most infinitesimal glimpse of the feeling he has clearly heretofore been imparting on others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone asks for a recipe that I do not want to share, what should I say? The requested recipe is one I have been cooking for 50 years. Living in a small town, I’m afraid that “my” recipe will make the rounds and no longer be associated with me. After a person compliments a hostess for a particular dish, why can’t that person wait for the hostess to offer to share the recipe?

GENTLE READER: “Well, if I share it with you, then I will no longer have the pleasure of luring you back for more.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I met with an old friend, a lady I had not seen for many years. I knew that her former spouse had dumped her for a younger woman a few years ago, after about 50 years of marriage.

His name came up in our conversation, and I learned that he died last winter. I automatically expressed my regret and said that I was sorry.

She looked as though her wish was that he was in some particular corner of hell. I apologized for saying anything, and let it go at that.

How should one respond in such a situation? Having never met her ex, I could not really express an opinion about him or his treatment of her.

GENTLE READER: Your behavior having been correct, Miss Manners only hopes that your friend will read this answer, as your exchange will not be the last time your friend hears condolences for a man whom she is evidently now happy to have seen go.

Because ex-spouses often have trouble gauging their own feelings about the death of a former partner, even close friends may be at a loss for what to say. The answer is a neutral expression of regret. The proper answer is “thank you,” with a sad look if the regret is shared, or a tight lip and change of subject if it is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My aunt texted me and said her company was looking to hire new people, and that she had me in mind for a position. She told me to submit a resume directly to her, and she would put in a good word.

While I appreciate it, I am simply not interested. My current job doesn’t have great benefits, but I love it, and as of right now, I am definitely not looking for a new one.

I don’t know how to tell her this; I am afraid she will be offended or won’t want to reach out in the future. Or worse yet, she won’t take no for an answer (she can be a bit harsh). How do I handle this in an appropriate way?

GENTLE READER: Anticipating -- and avoiding -- unwanted consequences is an admirable trait, but as etiquette most often deals in the here-and-now, it is sometimes a bit nearsighted.

Before dealing with the distant problem of turning down a job offer your aunt’s company has not made -- or the middle-ground problem of a rude rejoinder your aunt has not made -- we must first solve the immediate problem. That is accomplished by saying that you are flattered she thought you would be a good fit, and that you would be happy to hear about such things in the future -- but at the moment, you are more than content with your present job.

No reasonable person would find this offensive. How to answer the unreasonable person who does object is not something Miss Manners can provide without knowing the form the offense takes. The aunt who pouts at you from across the room at the next family birthday party should be gently ignored, while the more vociferous one will require more active measures.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)