DEAR MISS MANNERS: I very strongly feel you are remiss to insist that manners or custom dictate that a card or handwritten note be the “acceptable” and “appropriate” way to express condolences. What happens if, in the near future, paper ceases to exist? In a world without paper, would everyone be violating “manners” because no one can offer a card or written correspondence to express sympathy?

Paper has not existed since the beginning of human interaction. Certainly human emotions and interactions have existed much longer, and are the primary drivers for dialogue; thus the sentiment, not the mechanism, is the important piece. Manners are not predicated on the mechanism by which the message is delivered. No one is shouting across a busy train station to say “SORRY!”

While, in a perfect world, individuals would take the mannerisms of the recipient into account and adjust accordingly, you shortchange and diminish the thoughts, feelings and well-intentioned attempt to reach out with a sympathetic response by putting forth that an email is “not enough.” If my emails expressing shared happiness, condolences or any other emotion are “not enough,” perhaps it is on the recipient to be more receptive of those who intend goodwill.

GENTLE READER: While it is true that paper has only existed since about the year 100 (and papyrus since 3000 B.C.), it still has its uses. You have a printer, don’t you? And the death of the book was heralded some time ago, but it turns out that a surprising number of people prefer to read books on paper instead of on screens.

Surely you do not expect Miss Manners to deny that it is the message itself that is important. But that argument is like saying it doesn’t matter if you wear your gym clothes to a wedding, as long as you genuinely wish the couple well.

Thoughtful condolence letters mean a great deal to the bereaved. As appreciations of the deceased and expressions of compassion, they are often treasured and kept, rather than read and deleted.

You could point out that in that case, the recipients could print them out, keeping the words, if not the immediacy of handwriting. But, then, that would involve using paper, wouldn’t it?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am shopping for clothes, sales assistants say, “Tell me your first name” as they assist me to the dressing room. This has become ubiquitous.

I hate it! I understand why they do it, and am not a little embarrassed at my internal response. But I am 60 years old, and I do not want to give out my name in order to try on clothes.

The request seems forward and overly personal, and interrupts the otherwise anonymous vibe of my shopping experience. I swallow my negative feelings and give my name with a smile.

Is there a polite response that protects my anonymity, or should I contact management to suggest that not everyone enjoys the “personal touch”? And if I am being overly sensitive, I would accept a gentle rap on the knuckles and will take it like a lady!

GENTLE READER: Going around rapping knuckles is not the way to teach good manners, and Miss Manners neither practices it nor recommends it to you. All your recommendation to the manager would get you would be the untested assertion that most customers like it.

But there is a phrase that will handle the problem. It is: “Call me madam.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always locked the front door after a guest or delivery person has left my home. My husband says this is rude, as it implies I am either happy someone is gone or afraid a stranger will be dangerous.

Is it rude to lock my front door after showing someone out of it? If my husband is home, is locking it unnecessary since I’m not alone? If I’m alone in my home when seeing people out, is it not considered rude, but rather a smart safety measure?

I would appreciate your insight, as I am not doing it to send a message of rudeness but rather out of my own fear of having an unlocked door.

GENTLE READER: Do you mind asking your husband to run through his vision of the effect of locking the door on those departing? Miss Manners is glad to hear that he is thinking of others, but she is puzzled.

Does the guest who is retiring after a pleasant visit hear the click of the lock and conclude that going back in and asking for another drink would be unwelcome? Does the delivery person slink off to the next delivery with hurt feelings?

Your husband is offering a solution to a nonexistent problem. Miss Manners suggests that he redirect his compassion to your feelings and your safety.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think your advice to always include “please” in a social request fails to recognize that some people fear the word might be interpreted to mean that the requester believes the request would be denied or ignored without the “please.” So using it would be an insult to someone who likes to be seen as always helpful.

I suspect this apprehension is common, and results from children being denied requests until they say “please” to an instructing adult, thus coming to feel that “please” is a coercive word used to force action.

GENTLE READER: And don’t forget the argument that “please” is insulting to the person asking, because it sounds like begging. That line is often used by people eager to drop the few daily courtesies that remain.

But without the addition of “please,” a request becomes an order: “Do this,” “Give me that,” “Stop what you are doing” or ”Go fetch!” Miss Manners can tell you that those good people you mention, the ones who pride themselves on being helpful, act out of the goodness of their hearts -- and would not be so eager to assist people who try to order them around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why are we always looking for polite ways to address someone else’s impoliteness? Why must we feel guilty about offending the offender? Why do we walk on eggshells and agonize over how to approach a person who is completely out of line? After all, it is not my fault that the person behaved like a total ass.

GENTLE READER: And you admire that person so much that you want to act the same way?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made a birthday cake for a co-worker who is also a friend outside of work. Our office has a friendly atmosphere, and this is not unusual. She, in turn, shared that cake with our other co-workers, as she is a giving and outgoing individual.

Shortly after that, another co-worker announced that her birthday was the next day, and that she wanted me to make the same cake for her. I was taken aback, but, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, I agreed.

Now it seems that I have become the office baker. Without protesting that my budget does not support everyone’s “special” day, nor do my time limits, how do I politely rebuff this trend? The audacity to make such demands on your co-workers without consideration puts me off and I am left stuttering.

I’d like to add that at the time I presented the second co-worker with her cake as demanded, I also attached a recipe card. This subtle hint apparently went unheeded, as I have had several of these women state quite blatantly that they do not bake. What is a polite but firm response for next time?

GENTLE READER: Try shifting the blame to a higher authority. Tell your boss that the team has expressed a desire to celebrate birthdays in the office, but that you simply do not have the time and resources to supply all of the catering.

Perhaps there can be a company-funded party committee where everyone takes turns -- including your boss, so that she does not miss out on the fun. She will either facilitate its forming or, more likely, reject the idea entirely as not the best use of company resources. At which point, Miss Manners recommends that you celebrate with your co-workers-who-are-also-friends safely outside of work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young neighbor couple and their 7-year-old child stopped by our house to drop something off for my husband. We are friendly, but not close.

As we chatted with the parents, the child began to walk around our home and eventually went upstairs. I felt uncomfortable, but did not want to insult the parents by making it seem as though the child were not welcome.

One of my daughters (in her early 20s) was in her room, and was startled when she came out and saw the child in her sister’s room. She said the child wanted to know what was in each room.

How should I have expressed that I did not want the child wandering around my home? In my upbringing, it would have been considered very rude to have behaved so. The parents seemed unaffected and offered no direction to the child. Please advise how I could have asked the child not to wander without being offensive to our stop-by guests.

GENTLE READER: By professing concern for her safety. “I’m afraid that there are all kinds of dangerous things upstairs that haven’t been childproofed since my daughters were young. Perhaps I can get a game or some drawing things for Bentley so that she will be safely occupied while the grownups chat.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)