DEAR MISS MANNERS: While traveling, my husband and I decided to stop for the night. I called a large, mid-priced chain hotel. While talking, the clerk asked to put me on hold. It was a long while, but I figured she had to wait on someone at the counter.

A few minutes later, we got to the hotel. The same woman was at the desk. In the middle of our discussion, she excused herself and went to the back. It was, again, a very long wait, and when she finally came out, I asked if something was wrong.

“I’m sick,” she said. I asked her if she meant her stomach. It was. I asked if it was contagious, and she said, “I hope not.” I was horrified and pulled back from the counter, saying that I did not want to get sick. She said she understood and would ask her manager to wait on me, then went to the back again. I waited and waited and nobody came out. I guess she was vomiting again.

I told my husband that I just wanted to leave. He was very annoyed with me, but we left. He said I was terribly rude and had embarrassed him with the way I physically reacted.

My main concern was not catching whatever she had. Besides standing right in front of her, she would have been handling my credit card, the room keys, the pen and paperwork that I would also handle.

Was I rude? I just did not want to get sick. How else should I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: With at least a semblance of polite concern for the person who is actually sick, before becoming consumed with the remote likelihood of your own illness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does “elegant shades of white” mean for wedding attire?

GENTLE READER: That the bride is the highly unusual combination of dictatorial, yet willing to be upstaged.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a gift is given, is it ever appropriate for the giver to tell the recipient that more time and effort went into the gift than would possibly meet the eye? (“Believe it or not, it took all day to find just the right one for you.”)

On one hand, since it is the thought that counts, the recipient might want to know the amount of thought (“That was so nice of you!”). On the other hand, such disclosures may tarnish the gift and come off like crass fishing for thanks.

Even if there is direct inquiry (“How long did it take you to make it?”), is it permissible to respond directly, or is deflection (“Oh, it was no trouble, really”) the preferred response?

GENTLE READER: “Oh, I had so much fun finding/ordering/whittling this present for you. I do hope that you enjoy it.” If asked for more detail, Miss Manners will allow you to indulge modestly. Indulge, not luxuriate.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband asked me if I would hand him a specific item from his sizable work bag, which was across the room. I brought him the entire bag instead of removing the requested item.

His response was to angrily snap at me that I might as well have not done him a favor at all, and went on to imply that if I’m too lazy to do a favor in the manner requested, that I should say so and he would just do it himself.

I was floored at the rudeness of it all and stubbornly stood my ground, saying that he should be more clear. He maintains it is common sense that I should have brought him the specific item requested, not the entire bag, and that it is not unreasonable to expect a favor to be done precisely as it was worded.

He apologized for his overreaction, but he wants an apology from me -- for angrily telling him that the only proper response when someone does you a favor is “thank you” and that his argument is absurd.

I just can’t bring myself to apologize for doing him a favor. I have a feeling this argument is going to stay around until I break down and apologize, but fear it will set a precedent wherein asking for favors will become a dreaded question.

GENTLE READER: At the risk of getting herself embroiled in this volatile dispute, Miss Manners will say this: Her own dear mother taught her never to look inside anyone else’s belongings and to just hand the whole bag over, as you did. She permits you to relay that to your husband. But for the sake of the marriage, you might preempt it by saying, “I am sorry that I got angry, dear, but ...”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve quit drinking alcohol, and now drink tonic water in social situations. Is it rude to bring a bottle to a dinner party where I know a lot of different wines (but no other drinks) will be served? Or should I stick to water, as my friends don’t usually have tonics on hand?

GENTLE READER: Stick to water -- for the moment, at least. Bringing your own beverage should really only be relegated to potlucks and fraternity parties. However, if you request the drink enough times when asked for your preference, Miss Manners has high hopes that eventually it will appear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother recently gave me a photograph in a frame. I had given her that photo and frame 20 years ago. Her gift was hurtful to me, since I thought it was a meaningful gift when I gave it to her.

Is it necessary to thank someone for a gift you originally gave to them?

GENTLE READER: If it happens again, you might watch for memory loss. But Miss Manners will allow you to say, “Funny. Our tastes are so similar. How meaningful for us to have the same photograph in both of our homes.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I receive stationery as a gift, is it best to write the thank-you note on that stationery?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette may not, strictly, require it, but it is certainly best, as it avoids any implied criticism that you would have preferred something different.

Miss Manners realizes that not all gifts are given by someone in a charitable frame of mind: Gentle Readers have informed her of stationery being given as a way to signal a dissatisfaction with prior thank-you notes (or the lack thereof). But she also chooses not to look for trouble.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a coffee shop/cafe that gets very busy during lunch. One day, while I was working the main register with a long line of customers, some kind folks completed their lunch order, paid, then left $10 in cash and asked me to apply it to the order of the man behind them in line.

I figured he was a friend of theirs and didn’t question them further. When the man came to the register, he just asked if he could please have some water; I pointed him to our water station. He went off and I realized he was whom the couple had left money for, presumably charitably.

I couldn’t shout him down, so I tried to attach a note to the bill for a co-worker to take to the couple. However, it was the middle of the lunch rush and I wasn’t able to leave the register.

Later, when things quieted down, the couple came back. I immediately handed them their money, apologized, and started to explain. They told me, somewhat resentfully, that they wanted to give the man money but wanted to spare him the embarrassment of receiving it. They “thought I could explain to him he had credit to use.”

I felt bad about the whole interaction -- I wish the man had gotten to benefit from that $10 -- but also annoyed! It seems like these people were avoiding their own embarrassment, not his, but that it was his loss. I’ve helped plenty of customers buy food for other people, including local homeless folks, and there are many gracious ways to do so. Am I just bitter here, or am I justified?

GENTLE READER: Like etiquette itself, the server-customer relationship depends upon reasonable restraint on both sides. Such restraint includes being clear -- not leaving you to guess what you were being asked to do or how to do it. And it requires staying reasonably close to the task at hand: The service you were advertising was coffee and perhaps a doughnut, not social work.

Your customers failed on both counts. There are, indeed, better ways to accomplish what they wanted, and there are certainly ones that do not put the work on you. Miss Manners wishes that employers exercised equal restraint by not looking at every transaction as an opportunity to sell the next product (except by demonstrating exceptional service).

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)