life

Angling for Some Fishing-Etiquette Tips

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We approached our favorite fishing spot. About 40 yards away was another boat. The other fisherman yelled, “Welcome!”

He saw that we were catching fish, and that we released all of the catch. He asked if he could have a fish we caught. We agreed, so he trolled over and took the fish. Everyone was very friendly.

Then his tone changed drastically, and he said, “Leave this spot to other people who don’t get to come every day! Don’t you know fishing etiquette?”

We were surprised. What are fishing-hole manners?

GENTLE READER: Apparently whatever the crusty fisherman there cared to tell you: “Welcome,” “Don’t come back,” and “Give us your fish.”

The etiquette of this particular fishing hole -- Miss Manners doesn’t know if she is more amused or flattered that etiquette was invoked -- seems to be a kind of rough banter that you can take for joking. The reply she suggests is, “Oh, but if we don’t come here, how are you going to get any fish?”

life

Miss Manners for September 10, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think I do OK with dinner-table conversation, but mingling at a reception or casual buffet can be really hard. There are all of these groups of two or three people talking with each other, and I figure I should try to talk with them, too.

Should I go up to a group of people who are already talking, and just start listening to the conversation until I can join in? That seems OK if I already know one of the people, but it seems weird if I don’t know them.

Maybe I should just go up to a person who is alone; is that the only option if I don’t know anyone? What if I go up to a group and start listening to a conversation, and then can’t think of a way to join in for five minutes or more? Should I just sneak away?

Also, if I am talking with one person already and a third person comes up and joins in, can I just leave after a while if the two of them seem to be having a good time? I don’t really want to interrupt them just to say that I am going to get a drink, but I also don’t want to be rude by walking off without saying anything.

GENTLE READER: Mingling is not easy, Miss Manners grants. But that is the expected activity at chairless parties. And it doesn’t matter whether you know anyone there, because the rule is, “The roof is an introduction.”

Relieving loners is kind, as well as easy. When you sidle up to a group, they should at least smile at you until they get to a break in the conversation when you can be included. If none of that happens, toss them a smile and just sidle away, no excuse needed. If your group is getting along without you, you can also slip off for better pickings with barely more than a smile.

Freshening one’s drink is the standard parting line, although “I enjoyed talking with you” (if there was any talk at all) works just as well without your having to head to the bar. Remember that the whole premise of such a party is to keep moving.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Priest Needs to Turn Down Crowdfunding Requests

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 8th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As pastor of a Catholic parish, I often get requests for help, and usually the various organizations in our parish or diocese can reach out to assist the people who come by or call.

Lately, however, I have been receiving emails from people wanting me to publicize GoFundMe accounts for various individuals. We have no way of knowing if these accounts are legitimate, and if we agreed to include one account in our church bulletin, others would want us to include theirs, as well.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can gently tell these people that we already have systems in place to help those in need, but that GoFundMe is not something we take part in?

GENTLE READER: Taking advantage of your divine intervention for nefarious purposes, Miss Manners has to think, is a special kind of sin. But even if intentions are good, these congregants must recognize that if you cannot do something for everyone, you should not do it for one. In secular terms, it is called policy.

life

Miss Manners for September 08, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 8th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering about the dictum that one should reciprocate a dinner invitation with a return invitation. What if one does not want to continue the acquaintance?

This situation has arisen several times over the years, but a recent one raises this unresolved question again. We were invited to a lovely dinner by a local couple. We were given a warm welcome, and the meal was beautifully prepared, taking into account some dietary restrictions of ours. However, the husband became drunk and somewhat abusive. It was an uncomfortable situation.

We left as soon as we gracefully could. We had brought flowers, and sent a thank-you note afterward. We would prefer not to be in that situation again.

GENTLE READER: The rule about reciprocating dinner invitations was meant to promote the pleasant longevity of the friendship. If one does not wish it to continue, Miss Manners assures you, the deal is void. But if it has happened several times, it does make her question the quality of your friends -- or the wine that they are drinking.

life

Miss Manners for September 08, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 8th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee wants her mom and dad to walk her down the aisle. We are Jewish, and although this is not required by Jewish law, it is customary.

Her parents had a terrible divorce, and her dad doesn’t want to walk down the aisle with her mom. Should he have to do this? What’s the solution?

GENTLE READER: Anything that avoids a bickering march down that aisle.

Perhaps you can suggest that one of the parents walk your fiancee down the aisle and the other be given a different distinction, such as performing a reading or making the initial toast.

If there is further squabbling about who does what, Miss Manners suggests you kindly offer one of your own parents to perform the honor. That ought to help everyone quickly fall in line.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

When Confronting Hate, Consider Both Etiquette and Safety

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 7th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am well aware of the rules of not interfering in conversations overheard in restaurants, and that there is an assumed “bubble” of privacy for those engaged in private conversation.

However, I found myself in an awkward position while I ate in a booth that backed up to another booth. Four people were speaking in foul, hateful language about Jews and African-Americans, with a few anti-Muslim remarks thrown in for good measure. Aside from being shocked that people would feel free to speak like that in a public place, albeit at their own table, I couldn’t believe that they even thought that what they were saying was remotely accurate. It was like listening to Nazi propaganda come to life. I cannot overstate the hate exuding from their mouths.

They were not being loud, belligerent or bellicose, and were polite to their server, a person of color. I said nothing.

Was that the right thing to do? I really wanted to stand up, go to their table and tell them I could hear them spewing their hate in foul language, and that they may want to rethink their choice of words in a location where it was easy to overhear and where the objects of their hate may be present. I am Jewish. Is being silent in this type of situation the same as being complicit?

GENTLE READER: While normally Miss Manners would find relief in the fact that these awful people were at least outwardly polite, it does complicate the infraction.

Unfortunately, we live in volatile times, and Miss Manners finds herself further cautioning you against admonishing these people in public for fear of retaliation, or of inciting an angry invocation of various amendments. If you feel that it is safe, you might approach them and say, “I am sure that you are not aware that others can hear you” and leave it at that -- and then consult the restaurant management if the situation escalates.

life

Miss Manners for September 07, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 7th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A question about thank-you note etiquette is tearing my family apart.

I received a notification that a gift would be coming in the mail by someone who was not the sender of the gift. I had my thank-you note written and ready to send out as soon as I received said gift, because I didn’t want to feel like my thank-you note was insincere or that I was entitled to the gift by sending the thank-you early.

The family member who sent the gift is now incredibly upset with me, because apparently I should have sent the note as soon as I was notified that the gift would be coming, even though the notification was not from them.

GENTLE READER: Even Miss Manners, a fastidiously prompt sender of thank-you letters, would not require someone to write one before the present had been received. Please tell your family to pull themselves together and slow their enthusiasm -- lest they similarly start cashing checks before they are sent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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