life

On Enduring Mockery on Public Transportation

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 11th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was riding a crowded metro train at rush hour, people tightly packed together, with no chance to move away from a group of eight people who were loudly mocking, berating and laughing at me and other passengers. It became obvious fairly quickly about whom they were speaking, and equally obvious that they were intending us all to hear.

Except to endure the embarrassment as it continued unabated, was there any recourse at all?

GENTLE READER: You might say, to the other innocent victims in an equally loud voice, “I do so love street theater, don’t you?”

life

Miss Manners for August 11, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 11th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For various reasons, I’m estranged from my parents and, by extension, so are my husband and children. While the estrangement is irrelevant to my father, it bothers my mother, but not enough for her to make proper amends.

Although she has access to her other grandchildren, I think the threat of embarrassment and shame looms, as she’s the only person in her family and social circle to be denied access to relatives. So far, she has been able to conceal this fact, and I have not said anything -- and will not. (My children see my in-laws frequently, so they’re not missing out on grandparents.)

As a way to get back into my good graces and gain access to my children, my mother continues to send gifts for all holidays, special occasions, and for no reason. These gifts come in the mail, directly addressed to them.

Rather than explain to them why they get presents from a grandparent they’ve never met and probably never will, I’ve been telling my kids the gifts are from me. My husband is none the wiser, and I do not think he cares, as he has always been indifferent and uninterested in the estrangement. My children have also never inquired about my side of the family, but when they do, I have an age-appropriate explanation ready.

I confided this information to a close friend, and she was shocked. She said I should either give the gifts away or send them back, but I shouldn’t be telling my kids they’re from me as this is quite rude and an etiquette violation.

What is the etiquette for receiving gifts from estranged individuals? I intentionally do not write thank-you notes, although I would otherwise, as I’ve made it clear I do not wish to engage. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: This practice is not so much rude as it is fraudulent. Miss Manners is also forced to wonder what creative reason you have given your children for why you’ve sent them some presents and given others in person?

If you are not going to acknowledge the presents, the only honorable thing would be to return them. Or to send a letter saying that you do not wish to receive any more.

However, if you insist on keeping them, Miss Manners warns you that you may be setting a dangerous precedent for year-round Santa operation -- a practice you might find difficult to maintain, and harder from which to come clean.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Focus on Phones Can Lead to Slapstick-style Pileups

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this digital age, I increasingly find myself brought up short at store entrances and exits, at the tops and bottoms of escalators and in the middle of sidewalks by people who must respond to a text immediately or edit a selfie before posting on social media.

Of course, this is nothing new, and my response has been to say, “Excuse me,” with the hope that the persons blocking my path will step to the side. But what is the polite follow-up when they do not move, and continue to block the way? (At times, I have not been able to stop in time and have accidentally bumped into them, but this does not seem an optimal strategy.)

GENTLE READER: Perhaps Miss Manners has enjoyed too much slapstick in her day, but causing a human pile-up seems to her an amusing strategy for making your point -- if only you could keep from harming anyone in the process. She supposes there is no guarantee.

In lieu of that, a gentle touch on both shoulders to physically move the traffic-blockers should sufficiently startle them into never wanting to cause the problem again.

life

Miss Manners for August 10, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a tall gentleman, and many times when I go to sit in a theater, the patrons behind me will become upset and say vile things, fearing that I will block their view. I slouch down as far as can, but sometimes that does not ease their perceived inconvenience.

I try to ignore the conversation, though it is barely a foot away and therefore fully audible, and can be upsetting. I am sensitive to the needs of others and do my best to appease them without openly acknowledging their insults, but many times the barrage continues. How do I address such behavior?

GENTLE READER: Face the situation with your tall head on. Miss Manners recommends you say something like, “I am so sorry that I am a bit vertically well-endowed. I am doing my best to stay out of your way.” And then if snickers take over for snarky remarks, at least you will have willingly participated in their source.

life

Miss Manners for August 10, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 10th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was given a gift while out with friends for an occasion that was not the one being celebrated (specifically, a gift for my new baby while out for a friend’s birthday). I thanked the giver and quietly tucked it under the table to be opened later.

When I called my friend the next day to thank her, she mentioned she wished she could have seen my face when I opened it. Was I right not to open it on the spot, since my new baby was not the reason for the celebration? Or should hand-delivered gifts always be opened immediately when given?

GENTLE READER: As your friend delivered this present at her convenience, it is only fitting that you opened it at yours. You were tactful to wait. Miss Manners hopes your friend will realize that and not deprive you of future presents -- delivered when you are the one being celebrated or the two of you are alone -- so that she can fully enjoy your face.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Seat at the Bridge Table Is Offered, Then Yanked Away

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother and I have played party bridge for many, many years with several different groups. One group has only two tables of four women, for a total of eight women, whom they call the “regulars.” My mother and I are substitutes and fill in when asked.

Lately, when a regular cancels, we are called, only to be called back the following day and told, “Oh, so-and-so decided to play after all, so I won’t need you.”

I find this rude and in poor taste, don’t you? This has happened several times recently. I hoped that bridge etiquette would address this.

GENTLE READER: Bridge player though she is, Miss Manners has never understood players who interpret the rules as barring the door to anyone whose friends do not come in exact multiples of four. Has the dummy not noticed that at least one person will always be sitting out in every hand? Of all sports, bridge is particularly amenable to socializing.

Better to rotate the extra person in between rubbers than to rescind an invitation. But if the seriousness of the players absolutely requires consistent teams, then the regulars should be instructed that telling the hostess they are unavailable can no more be taken back than a thoughtless lead.

life

Miss Manners for August 09, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 9th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While sitting with a group at a restaurant table, is it considered the height of rudeness to abruptly interrupt someone while he or she is announcing his or her food order to a waiter or waitress?

Such was a serious problem I had several years ago. While I was telling a waiter what I wanted to eat, a nervy woman in our group interrupted me, snapping in front of everyone, “You should order something else!”

I was never so humiliated in all my life! I was so overwhelmed that I did not know what to say. I was dumbstruck. I gave her a dirty look, but she only looked at me and the others and laughed in my face, not caring that she upset me. To me, that is no way to act in what my mother calls “polite company.”

I wish I had said to her, “If I want your help, what do you say you lemme ask for it!” How would you have dealt with a situation such as this one?

GENTLE READER: Not by returning thoughtless rudeness with snide rudeness.

Miss Manners infers from your reaction that the woman’s injunction contained an implied criticism, perhaps to your selection’s being, in her mind, unhealthy. She understands why you might feel annoyed, but reminds you that you are surely not the only one at the table who noticed this person’s rudeness.

The correct response is to ignore the interjection entirely by firmly completing your order, and then resuming a prior conversation with other members of the party. By making your displeasure clear, you will enlist the help of polite company in embarrassing the nervy woman -- rather than rewarding her by acknowledging her openly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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