DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to pre-empt people from coming to visit at the hospital?

Last time I was in the hospital, my boss and his wife came to see me. I was horrified! After three days without a shower and looking and feeling my worst ever, I was totally humiliated. I will never be able to look him in the eye again.

Another friend came and stayed for over an hour in spite of my hints and then outright pleas that I wanted to be alone. The next day she showed up again, and I totally lost it, telling her, “Out! Out!”

Now I’m scheduled for another hospital stay, and people are already asking which hospital I’ll be in. I’ve said that I appreciate their kindness, but don’t want visitors. I fear this is falling on deaf ears.

GENTLE READER: And you show your appreciation by shunning your boss (do you plan to quit your job?) and shouting at your faithful friend?

There are special polite social protections and leeway granted to hospital patients. You can ask the staff to say that you cannot have visitors, without the need to specify that it is because you don’t want them. You can post a sign on your door saying “No visitors allowed.” And if they get past these barriers, you can still fall asleep during a visit, or announce the intention to do so by saying, “Forgive me, I am afraid that I am supposed to be resting.”

Miss Manners wishes that you will recover your health, but also that when you do so, you will still have a job and some friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be an assumption now that a mother will pay a sitter when she goes on a date. But growing up in the ‘80s, it was my understanding that the mother’s date would pay. Should someone offer to cover the sitter when asking out a single parent?

GENTLE READER: Really? Was it as recently as that when there were enough single mothers of young children dating so as to establish rules about costs?

In any case, there was no such rule. It is true that the customs of courting costs have changed. But that is in regard to the costs of the event itself.

Formerly, it was awkward for polite ladies to reciprocate, by pretending to have been given theater tickets or staging an occasional home-cooked meal. Although gentlemen were supposed to pay the bills incurred during the date, it was never the case -- as some ladies still like to maintain -- that their guests were entirely free of obligation.

But each was always supposed to meet the respective costs of preparing for the date -- clothes come to mind -- and Miss Manners imagines it would be awkward for a gentleman to offer to pay for the sitter, unless the couple were beyond the mere dating stage. It would be unseemly for the lady to expect this.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe that, in casual conversation, asking someone to pass an item by saying, “Could you get that for me?” and then saying “thank you” when it was received was acceptable. My husband feels that this is rude, and that every request must include a “please.”

People I’ve asked agree that simply asking, and then ending with a “thank you,” is fine, but my mother-in-law very pointedly corrects our children for doing this when asking each other for things.

Is it possible that my own dear parents taught me incorrectly, and I’ve been inadvertently being rude my whole life, and now have passed this on to my children? Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

GENTLE READER: Thank you, but would it still be appreciated even if it means telling you that your own dear parents taught you incorrectly and you have been inadvertently being rude your whole life and have now passed this on to your children?

And, as a bonus, that those you have queried are equally wrong?

Miss Manners prefers to believe that you misunderstood your parents. Otherwise they would be the first progenitors in history actively to instruct their children not to say please when making a request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the funeral of a very dear person who was a founding member of the church I attend, I approached the deceased’s sister outside the church prior to the start of the service. I attempted to hug her and express my condolences. The sister all but recoiled, stating that she was not accepting any displays of condolence because it was “too upsetting” to her. Another family member, who was standing nearby at the time, just looked at me with a kind of “what-can-you-do?” expression on her face.

I was stunned and somewhat embarrassed because other people standing near enough heard her say this. I have not seen this person since the funeral about one month ago, and I am still a little rubbed about her behavior.

Should I be? She even made a remark to the effect that she knew her niece -- the deceased’s daughter -- would probably hear about it and be upset with her, but that she didn’t care.

GENTLE READER: Thus both admitting and defending being rude to you.

Although we try to make allowances for the emotional state of those in fresh mourning, that does not include hurting other mourners by repulsing condolences. On the contrary, the immediately bereaved should be representing the deceased to those who also feel their loss.

So yes, Miss Manners agrees that you should be a little rubbed about this behavior. And that for the sake of your late friend, you will now let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a man saying when he wears shoes without socks? Is this appropriate in formal settings (i.e. weddings, church, business meetings)?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps that he cares more about being comfortable -- or in this case, Miss Manners would imagine, uncomfortable, if he is wearing proper shoes -- than being dressed for the occasion.

But Miss Manners also asks herself what it says about those who are peering down his pant legs to notice.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister invited me to join her, her husband and another couple for brunch. We would be a group of five, as I am single.

When I arrived, the four of them had already been seated and their four chairs were clustered together around three quarters of a circular table. My chair was comparatively removed from the other four in the middle of the remaining quarter of the circle. I was seated between my sister and brother-in-law with their friends directly opposite me.

As the meal progressed, I felt increasingly isolated as I frequently found both my sister and brother-in-law simultaneously engaged in one-on-one conversations with the wife and husband opposite me. I would sit in silence, not sure where to look.

My relative distance from them and their proximity to each other effectively compounded the effect, by impacting my ability to hear what was being said in a noisy restaurant. Additionally, often both my sister and brother-in-law physically turned their bodies away from me as they engaged with their neighbor on the opposite side.

Throughout the meal, all I really wanted to do was get up and leave. The one thing that prevented me from doing so was fear of my actions being considered histrionics. Consequently, I finished the meal in relative silence until my sister finally sought to engage me in conversation following dessert.

How would you have handled the situation? Is there a way to politely take your leave of a meal without causing a scene in such a situation? As it happened, I said nothing, and later sent an email explaining how I was hurt by what had happened.

GENTLE READER: Call in the authorities.

Miss Manners is not suggesting histrionics in the form of police assistance, but to call in those with even greater power: the ones in charge of restaurant seating. When you sized up the situation, you could have asked if there were smaller tables so that you all could better hear one another. Even if none were available, this would alert your lunch companions to the awkward placement of your chair -- and encouraged them to be aware of it, and converse accordingly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend canceled her wedding just a few weeks before it was to take place. I had already sent a gift from the registry, which was never returned or acknowledged.

Now, several months later, the couple has reconciled and rescheduled the wedding. I do not wish to buy another gift, but plan to write a card. Should I acknowledge the gift in any way? She gave me a wedding gift, so I do not want her to think that I did not give her one. She may have lost track of my gift in the upheaval of the canceled wedding.

GENTLE READER: Write in the card: “I am so thrilled to hear that you and Ragmar have reconciled. I was hoping that the silver nut dish would get used by both of you. Now both of our dreams are being realized. I look forward to the wedding.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)