DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I, who have lived in our tight-knit neighborhood for more than 25 years, have just become the first to take down our old house and build a new, larger one in its place. We wanted to stay in the neighborhood we loved, with old friends nearby.

We will be inviting many friends and neighbors to see the house before we move in, as there has naturally been a lot of curiosity and we want to get the “tours” over with all at once.

I have always been taught that “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all,” but I find this is not always the case with others. I don’t know how to handle criticisms of our taste or what we did or did not choose to spend money on.

Already, a woman has asked the size of the house and number of bathrooms, and immediately told me that her son’s house is twice the size with en-suite bathrooms for all the bedrooms (which we do not have).

I feel this is very rude, but do not know if I should say so to her face or try to brush it off. I’m afraid such remarks do cause me stress, and more than a couple like this are likely to make me ill and spoil the event. Even thinking about it is giving me a headache.

GENTLE READER: What are you fantasizing that you would say to your neighbor’s face? “Oh, good for him”?

All right. Miss Manners simply wants to work on the diction, and perhaps a bit on the wording. Practice saying, “How nice! I’m sure he must be very happy with his house, and you must be very proud of him.” In order to make this a conversation, rather than a competition, you must say it with cheerful enthusiasm.

But do you really want to invite people whom you apparently know to be tactless and critical? Couldn’t you let them suffer with curiosity by saying, “Oh, really, there’s nothing much to see. It’s just an ordinary house with a bit more room than we had before”?

If you must let them in, you could respond to any such unpleasant remarks by saying, “Perhaps you would do it differently, but this is what suits us.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that one must never wear clothing which bears a likeness or replica of the flag of the U.S.A. -- that the “flag should never be used as decoration for civilian clothing, pillows, furniture or athletic uniforms.”

I see violations of this admonition more frequently as time passes. Has the rule changed, or is it simply now more often ignored by our manufacturers and consumers?

GENTLE READER: Oddly, the rule is being ignored primarily by people who consider themselves patriots. What puzzles Miss Manners is that such violators seem to feel that they are somehow honoring the flag by strewing it all over themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss tucks his shirt into his underwear so that you can sometimes read the underwear brand on the elastic in the front. Is there anything to be done?

GENTLE READER: A lady does not discuss a gentleman’s underwear -- unless she is his wife and is letting him know that she is throwing it out. If a gentleman co-worker is available, Miss Manners recommends you enlist his help in pointing out the problem -- as long as he promises to do so discreetly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece and her husband were married nearly two years ago, and we have been made aware that they never sent thank-you cards for many of the gifts they received. This breach of etiquette was made known from guests inquiring of us about whether we knew if the couple had received their wedding gifts.

Now they are expecting their first child, and I know they will want the Aunties to host a baby shower, as is our family custom. Frankly, we are embarrassed and reluctant to send out invitations to another gift event for them, knowing how hurt/ignored many felt not to have their previous gifts acknowledged. I know of no polite way to tell my niece that this is a problem, and yet I really don’t want to host and thereby sanction their rude behavior.

GENTLE READER: As loving Aunties -- and soon to be Grand-Aunties -- you are in the unique position to help this couple maintain goodwill amongst friends and family.

“We would love to host a shower for you, but want to make sure that you have the time to acknowledge presents if the guests bring them. Perhaps we can help you gather addresses and facilitate letter-writing.”

If this plan is met with resistance, then Miss Manners authorizes you to defer hosting the party, saying that you simply do not have the time -- perhaps politely pointing out that it is likely the same excuse the couple had for not sending those thank-you letters in the first place.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited my sister and two cousins out to lunch. When it came time to order, I ordered first, and then the waiter asked for my guests’ orders. Later, my sister said she was mortified, because the hostess always orders last.

Did I commit a social faux pas? Usually I will order first so as to set the tone of the price.

GENTLE READER: Proper manners would be for the host to ask their guests what they wanted first, and then to order for the table. But Miss Manners has noticed that this has gone out of favor, particularly when it is abused by menu-splainers too eager to show off their culinary knowledge and ignore their guests’ tastes.

However, making recommendations and setting the tone for, if not price, then certainly the breadth of the menu, is an excellent idea. It helps cue guests that three courses may be encouraged, but ordering carryout for the week is not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a 2-year-old son and are currently expecting another baby. My husband’s younger brother and his wife are also expecting their second child, due a week before ours.

We are very blessed to have friends and family who were ecstatic over the birth of our first. My dear friends threw me a lovely baby shower. We have everything we need for the new baby and I’m grateful to have friends who wouldn’t dream of throwing a second shower. I’d be mortified if they did.

My sister-in-law’s family is unfortunately the very type to throw a second baby shower. At her first shower, they charged $5 at the door for “lottery tickets,” with the money ostensibly going to the parents-to-be to cover certain costs associated with the baby. This was in addition to the shower gift I’d brought AND being asked to bring a pack of diapers to help the parents.

Her family is also highly competitive, and is sure to make very pointed remarks when they ask me about my own impending baby shower and I answer that there won’t be another.

How should I handle those remarks? I don’t want their false pity, nor do I wish to hear disparaging remarks against my friends and family for not throwing another shower. Clearly it’s not polite to point out that she shouldn’t be having a second shower, but what is a polite, firm way to deflect?

GENTLE READER: “We are very excited to attend Margo and Larry’s shower. Do you think they’ll have another boy?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a bar for a work-related dinner meeting and ordered soup. I peppered said soup before tasting it and was castigated by one of my dinner companions.

Is the etiquette in a bar the same as what should be practiced in a more formal setting?

GENTLE READER: The peppering of one’s food is not subject to degrees of formality. Nor should they be your dinner companion’s concern -- unless that person also happens to be the chef.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An elderly parent died a couple of years ago. Now another elderly relative has passed. My husband and I received condolences on both occasions. We were very moved by the numerous cards and handwritten notes we received.

I was astonished that we both received condolences by email as well, and found myself greatly offended at that. I don’t expect flowers or memorial donations to charity or food, just a simple card or a handwritten note. But I would rather not hear from someone at all than receive an email condolence. It seems as though the elderly person was not worth any more effort than a mere mouse click.

Am I wrong and petty? Or has custom changed to where an electronic condolence is acceptable?

GENTLE READER: It has not. But Miss Manners has admittedly weakened her stance, since any correspondence at all is often rare. She does not condone the emails, but as you received so many letters from people who addressed them properly, she suggests you not let it ruin the relationship with the senders who did not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)