DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to call attention to a stranger’s shoe odor?

When my wife and I went to an afternoon movie, a couple came and sat down next to us, the man on my left. After a few moments, he crossed his left leg over his knee, putting his left foot closer to me.

Within moments, I was besieged with a truly horrible odor from his sneakers. I moved to my wife’s right, leaving an empty seat to her left. After a minute, she, too, said enough is enough, and we moved together to a couple of rows back, with little inconvenience, in that it was a lightly attended show.

Would there have been a polite way to let this person know of this issue?

GENTLE READER: Even if there were, you would then likely have to endure either an unpleasant conversation or witness his trying to fix it -- with more of a social obligation to stay put whilst doing so. Removing yourself from the situation solved your problem. Let us leave it at that.

Miss Manners suspects that once this man realizes that there are consistently empty seats surrounding him in public places, he will take measures to solve the problem. Or enjoy all of the newfound extra room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About seven years ago, a family who was friends with our family moved halfway around the world. They return to our area once or twice a year, and we usually get together with them and their other local acquaintances.

They have contacted us about plans for this summer. They invited us to a catered barbecue, and asked us to commit to attending and paying $33 per person for hot dogs, hamburgers and potato salad.

We feel that inviting us to a party and asking us to pay for our food is rather tacky, especially as this family is probably wealthier than all of their local friends combined. Moreover, my wife is vegetarian and my son would probably eat no more than a single hot dog.

We would like to see them when we visit, but have no intention of spending nearly $100 for backyard food under the circumstances. I suspect that most of their other friends in this area feel the same way, and their party may turn out to be a bust.

What is the most polite way to let them know that, while we and our other friends would love to see them, we don’t want to pay for their party?

GENTLE READER: This is a sales opportunity, not an invitation.

“It sounds like a lot of trouble to arrange catering for the whole neighborhood, and I am afraid that we are otherwise occupied that day. Why don’t you join us for a more informal gathering at our house later in the week?” And then Miss Manners recommends that you show them what real hospitality -- and not a paid event -- looks like.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I went to a restaurant on my birthday. A sign at the door advertised a special reward when paying the bill if you were dining on your birthday. So, I mentioned to the waitress that it was my birthday, in anticipation of the reward.

When it came time to order dessert, the waitress brought a large dessert of the restaurant’s choosing to my table with a showy sparkler stuck into it.

I was appalled. This was not a dessert that I could share with my wife, as she didn’t like it, and I was hugely embarrassed as I do not make a big deal out of my birthday. Now everybody in the restaurant knew it was my birthday.

I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the waitress, so I feigned delight and ate the dessert. I really wanted to share a dessert with my wife, but because of the actions of the waitress, I was cheated out of this opportunity and I’m not very happy about it.

How should I have handled the situation better? Should I have sent the unexpected dessert back and ordered what we really wanted? And why do people do stuff like this on birthdays without asking the celebrant first if it’s what they really want?

GENTLE READER: People generally do not do things like this, but companies do. And no matter how many times the restaurant assures you that they are all about people, or people are their business, or people come first -- what they are doing is running a business.

Miss Manners does not object to this; in fact, she is sympathetic. She mentions it to explain her lack of surprise that a restaurant that no doubt prides itself on “tailoring their service to your every need” in fact establishes rigid policies for their employees that do not always fit a given situation.

Someone in the head office thought it would be nice to do something special for the birthday boy or girl. They told someone, who told someone, who told the staff. You ordered the special reward, and out it came. A more astute wait-person would indeed have noticed that you had not ordered your dinner from the children’s menu, and may have been able to adjust the reward accordingly. But as it was free, Miss Manners agrees with your accepting it with reasonable grace -- and not asking about the free pony ride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife passed away suddenly, two years ago, at the age of 48. My son is getting married this year, and I’m struggling with inviting friends that my wife did not approve of. Would it be disrespectful of my wife’s memory if they were invited to my son’s wedding?

GENTLE READER: It is said that the good we do lives on after us -- while the bad dies with us. Making this happen sometimes requires the active participation of the living. Your wife may have had good reasons for disapproving of some of your friends, but disapproval is not a flattering thing for which to be remembered. Miss Manners recommends that you conveniently forget why she felt that way, issue the invitations, and dwell on more uplifting memories.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a refund on some meat we purchased from a local rancher. The meat wasn’t the quality we expected, but with sauces and cooking it longer, it was OK.

We received a refund and a nice note stating that the butcher they had hired aged the meat longer than intended.

We don’t want to take advantage of the situation these people are in. We want to return the check, but I am at a loss of what to say.

GENTLE READER: “While it is true that the meat was a bit older than we are used to, as loyal customers, your care for your customers never grows old. We are therefore returning your check, uncashed, with our thanks for your integrity and thoughtfulness.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a very large company that gives us some paid time off for volunteer activities. I’m very grateful to be permitted to serve in such meaningful ways and actually get paid! Volunteer organizations in my community are well aware of our policies.

I have been asked to head a volunteer effort for a very worthy cause. However, they have directed me to recruit 40 volunteers for a full day. Forty seems incredibly excessive for what they say they need, yet they are adamant that I recruit 40.

I’m struggling, because around the same time, a local school needs a large number of volunteers for field day. It’s one of the poorest schools in town, and parents are unable to volunteer because of work, etc. In years past, we have filled the gap. If we all volunteer for the first event, then it’s likely the field day will need to be cancelled or scaled back dramatically.

I have tried subtle hints, as saying that the first ask is simply too large. Do I just bluntly say, “So, do you understand we can’t handle your (very pushy) request and field day? Would you like to be the one to tell the kids?”

The pushiness is fueled by passion for genuinely good works. I might not agree with their methods, but their hearts are in the right place.

GENTLE READER: In this case, etiquette is less concerned with their hearts than with their elbows.

Your company is right to set limits on its generosity -- whether because it is also sending volunteers to another worthy cause, it is a holiday and employees need time off, or the company merely wants to get some work done.

What Miss Manners realizes you need is a way to avoid being caught between representing your company and the organization whose effort you are heading. For this, it is time to find a person of authority in your company whom you can quote as saying some variation on “enough.”

You can then tell the organization how hard you fought for them and how happy you are to volunteer yourself, but that the company is only allowing you to recruit another 19 volunteers. So long as you are confident that your corporate heavy will either remain firm -- or at least unreachably offstage -- this is a more effective approach than bargaining over whose cause is the more pathetic.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)