DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I went to a restaurant on my birthday. A sign at the door advertised a special reward when paying the bill if you were dining on your birthday. So, I mentioned to the waitress that it was my birthday, in anticipation of the reward.

When it came time to order dessert, the waitress brought a large dessert of the restaurant’s choosing to my table with a showy sparkler stuck into it.

I was appalled. This was not a dessert that I could share with my wife, as she didn’t like it, and I was hugely embarrassed as I do not make a big deal out of my birthday. Now everybody in the restaurant knew it was my birthday.

I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the waitress, so I feigned delight and ate the dessert. I really wanted to share a dessert with my wife, but because of the actions of the waitress, I was cheated out of this opportunity and I’m not very happy about it.

How should I have handled the situation better? Should I have sent the unexpected dessert back and ordered what we really wanted? And why do people do stuff like this on birthdays without asking the celebrant first if it’s what they really want?

GENTLE READER: People generally do not do things like this, but companies do. And no matter how many times the restaurant assures you that they are all about people, or people are their business, or people come first -- what they are doing is running a business.

Miss Manners does not object to this; in fact, she is sympathetic. She mentions it to explain her lack of surprise that a restaurant that no doubt prides itself on “tailoring their service to your every need” in fact establishes rigid policies for their employees that do not always fit a given situation.

Someone in the head office thought it would be nice to do something special for the birthday boy or girl. They told someone, who told someone, who told the staff. You ordered the special reward, and out it came. A more astute wait-person would indeed have noticed that you had not ordered your dinner from the children’s menu, and may have been able to adjust the reward accordingly. But as it was free, Miss Manners agrees with your accepting it with reasonable grace -- and not asking about the free pony ride.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife passed away suddenly, two years ago, at the age of 48. My son is getting married this year, and I’m struggling with inviting friends that my wife did not approve of. Would it be disrespectful of my wife’s memory if they were invited to my son’s wedding?

GENTLE READER: It is said that the good we do lives on after us -- while the bad dies with us. Making this happen sometimes requires the active participation of the living. Your wife may have had good reasons for disapproving of some of your friends, but disapproval is not a flattering thing for which to be remembered. Miss Manners recommends that you conveniently forget why she felt that way, issue the invitations, and dwell on more uplifting memories.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a refund on some meat we purchased from a local rancher. The meat wasn’t the quality we expected, but with sauces and cooking it longer, it was OK.

We received a refund and a nice note stating that the butcher they had hired aged the meat longer than intended.

We don’t want to take advantage of the situation these people are in. We want to return the check, but I am at a loss of what to say.

GENTLE READER: “While it is true that the meat was a bit older than we are used to, as loyal customers, your care for your customers never grows old. We are therefore returning your check, uncashed, with our thanks for your integrity and thoughtfulness.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a very large company that gives us some paid time off for volunteer activities. I’m very grateful to be permitted to serve in such meaningful ways and actually get paid! Volunteer organizations in my community are well aware of our policies.

I have been asked to head a volunteer effort for a very worthy cause. However, they have directed me to recruit 40 volunteers for a full day. Forty seems incredibly excessive for what they say they need, yet they are adamant that I recruit 40.

I’m struggling, because around the same time, a local school needs a large number of volunteers for field day. It’s one of the poorest schools in town, and parents are unable to volunteer because of work, etc. In years past, we have filled the gap. If we all volunteer for the first event, then it’s likely the field day will need to be cancelled or scaled back dramatically.

I have tried subtle hints, as saying that the first ask is simply too large. Do I just bluntly say, “So, do you understand we can’t handle your (very pushy) request and field day? Would you like to be the one to tell the kids?”

The pushiness is fueled by passion for genuinely good works. I might not agree with their methods, but their hearts are in the right place.

GENTLE READER: In this case, etiquette is less concerned with their hearts than with their elbows.

Your company is right to set limits on its generosity -- whether because it is also sending volunteers to another worthy cause, it is a holiday and employees need time off, or the company merely wants to get some work done.

What Miss Manners realizes you need is a way to avoid being caught between representing your company and the organization whose effort you are heading. For this, it is time to find a person of authority in your company whom you can quote as saying some variation on “enough.”

You can then tell the organization how hard you fought for them and how happy you are to volunteer yourself, but that the company is only allowing you to recruit another 19 volunteers. So long as you are confident that your corporate heavy will either remain firm -- or at least unreachably offstage -- this is a more effective approach than bargaining over whose cause is the more pathetic.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At this time of year many of my friends, acquaintances and employees have children graduating from high school or college. Since I know many of them are having difficulty raising funds for further education, it seems to me that cash might be welcome, but I don’t wish to insult them. Could cash be considered an insult?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but an amazing number of people are now eager to be so insulted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 50-something stepson-in-law, although successful in the business world, cannot or does not translate his bone-crushing handshake from his efforts to “impress” business clients into the social world of family gatherings.

At 80 years of age, I have a nice, firm handshake, but with concerted effort, as I am missing the ring finger of my right hand due to a childhood accident.

The last time my wife’s daughter and son-in-law came over to celebrate a birthday, my fighting a recent cancer diagnosis with chemotherapy apparently had no influence on his “business” handshake. He actually hurt my hand, it was so forceful.

He has a delicate ego, and I make every effort to never offer any constructive comments regarding anything about him, for fear of a petulant and sour attitude the remainder of the visit.

Any suggestions, dear lady? I would like to know how to tell him he doesn’t need to try to break my hand when he offers his in a warm and casual greeting. Unless he comes to the realization he is hurting me, I will have to stop accepting his offer to shake hands, and bear the consequences of his delicate ego.

GENTLE READER: Although she never thought she would live to say this, Miss Manners advises you to offer him a hug. It is true that she has been campaigning against promiscuous hugging, but that is among co-workers, strangers and acquaintances. This is within the family, where it might be easier for you to open your arms safely wide than to plead the various legitimate physical excuses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that mere sympathy cards are not the proper way to express condolences. I have written condolence letters to friends whose loved ones I had some relationship with, and could discuss. But what do I say when I only know my friend and didn’t know their loved one?

I have a friend who is caring for her terminally ill brother. They have had a difficult and distant relationship. I have never met her brother and know nothing else about him.

I will certainly be able to offer condolences to my friend on her loss, but can think of little else to say. It seems to me that a blank page of stationery with a few sentences on it looks more depressing than a beautiful card with those sentences written at the bottom of the preprinted wording.

GENTLE READER: You have already told Miss Manners enough to fill a page: that you care for your friend and sympathize with her bereavement, that you know what good care she took of her brother, and that you are thinking of her at this difficult time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)